S-Anon

[stillandagain]

I have just joined the email group for spouses of PA's, S-Anonymous. Anyone here have experience with this method of support. At this point, I am looking hard for any help that I can get, and there don't seem to be any "live" PASO groups near me.

[TooSensitive]

StillandAgain, I think it’s great that you recognize your need for addt’l support, and that you are being proactive in seeking that out.

I don’t have experience with that specific type of support. I went to my own individual therapy sessions; joined a mood disorder support group that meets in-person (I have bipolar, and though they aren’t equipped to deal with PA/SA specifically, they have been able to help me work through some of the resulting negative emotions, esp. when in the past, my h’s behavior would trigger feelings of depression for me); and joined a different on-line message board (similar to this one; I only started coming here as an alternative a few months ago, and I prefer it here b/c of all the couples, even though my h is not also here).

I went to one S-Anon meeting that is held weekly at a local church; but I never went back for several reasons, but mainly b/c I was not comfortable labeling myself “co-addict”/”co-dependent”. I also had already been going to my mood disorder support group for nearly 2 years at that point, and having their format for comparison, there was no comparison for me (S-Anon did not offer feedback from other group members, whereas my mood disorder support group did, and that was what I was used to having; otherwise, it felt very one-sided, and I still felt alone, despite being in a room full of other partners; after sharing, my words hung in the air and I felt no different than before I shared). I also wasn’t interested in doing the 12 steps; everyone I had known in my real life up to that point who had done them did not seem to be a better person for it. I have a little more faith in them, seeing how they have helped some of those here; but I am still a bit jaded by the people I know out here in the real world. But I also realize they are not a magic bullet (nothing is), and that you get out of it what you put into it. Some people remain stuck in certain ways, despite having done the 12 steps; that has been my real life experience, anyway. I also feel like they are just too structured for me. Maybe I would benefit from that structure; maybe I wouldn’t. I think the key is finding what we feel works best for us, no matter who else it has or hasn’t helped. If it feels right to us, then we should do it; if it doesn’t, then we shouldn’t, though it’s good to recognize why, and make sure the whys aren’t the wrong reasons for staying away from it (b/c we are avoiding growth).

You may find this e-mail group offers you that addt’l support you need but haven’t been able to find elsewhere, due to lack of resources. You will know in due time if it is working for you. I hope that it helps!

[stillandagain]

We found a therapist with considerable experience with PA! He is willing to work with us separately and together.

I am feeling like I am getting what I need here on ttf. The S-Anon email group is a very confusing "forum." I cannot figure out how to participate, and am not 100% comfortable with what I read either. I think at this point I am going to stay this course and pass on full participation in S-Anon.

Does this make sense?

[JenMac]

HI Stillandagain!
I can only speak from my own experience, which is ironically something that Alanon teaches in their program.
So I will tell you that TTF has been what I need over my healing. It has so helped me as I have moved through the many stages. To be able to share my thoughts and feelings, to be able to connect with others who know what I am experiencing, to learn from others' experiences and to share all of this with my H. This has all been truly a blessing to me.
I went to a counsellor for a short time and I did not find that particularly helpful to me. It gave me someone to share my thoughts with but that was it really. I am glad you have found one who has experience with PA as mine certainly did not. If anything, she downplayed P use and that was not very helpful to me at all!
I also have not been attending my Alanon meetings really since this happened in my life. It may be something I go back to in time as I feel it is worthwhile. But I do feel like the things I have learned from Alanon have helped me immensely in this as well.
So I would just tell you to go with you feel comfortable with. You can always change your mind later if you feel you want to. This is a process and there is no right or wrong way to proceed. You will feel your way through it, just like the rest of us.
All the best to you as you make your way!!
Jenn

[stillandagain]

Hi, Jenn. Thanks for this reply. Much of it mirrors my own thoughts. I have been in therapy off and on throughout my adult life, and actually related to addiction in the late 80"s-early-90's. So that, in addition to actually being an Addiction Chaplain (I know, ironic) makes me familiar with the philosophy and concepts.

THIS moment has hit me harder than any I can imagine, and there have been many! I was assaulted more than 20 years ago, did some PTSD work, and see my reaction to the P definitely as a PTSD reaction. I know that I over-react, and that I need the help of an "expert."

I also like it here, very much. My observations of S-Anon is that there is no "free exchange" like there is here. I think this suits me and my style best.

Anyway, thanks for the ear. It helps to sound this out, to hear myself process. I feel pretty clear that I have made a decision already!

[TooSensitive]

StillandAgain, I am so glad to read about this news from you!

And reading what you wrote as to why you are choosing not to stay with the S-Anon e-mail group, in that there is no forum for "free exchange" helped me identify one of the core reasons why I did not go back to S-Anon again - b/c of that lack of "free exchange", which I was used to having at my mood disorder support group meetings, it didn't feel as if there were any "connections" going on in the room. What I felt was emptiness, void of any real feelings, and void of any true connections.

So I wanted to thank you for helping me have that insight!

I am so happy for you about the counselor; I hope it really helps matters for both of you. I know it has great potential to do just that!