Angry today

[stillandagain]

i cannot shake it
i am angry

not hurt or betrayed or sad

angry

yes, I am angry at my pa

but also angry at what, long long go, injured and hurt him

and angry today because he and I have both sought help these two weeks. phone tag with a "specialist" therapist, no reply from a local SA group,

angry that I have NO ONE to talk to

angry that I am afraid, so afraid
of him slipping
of being betrayed
of not being able to forgive or trust
at myself

angry today

[rosie]

And you have every right to be. Let it out and don't let anyone here or otherwise tell you that it isn't okay.

Take care of you.

[TooSensitive]

Anger is absolutely warranted after what we've been through. And it takes a long time before we are able to shake the anger. Even then, the anger always has the chance of returning, depending on how we are feeling otherwise, what has been going on, etc.

I agree with Rosie - you are entitled to feel anger. Alot of anger. If we don't allow ourselves to feel that anger when it hits, we only end up burying it, where it grows and festers, causing the potential for it to explode even worse than it was before.

No, we don't want to feel angry forever. I'm sure we don't want to feel angry at all. But I have been told that anger is an emotion which has its place and time; and to deny that anger, when it is warranted, can be a dangerous thing. It isn't good for us to deny it, emotionally-speaking.


I guess the key is to learn how to best express it so that it is communicated without taking it out on anyone in the wrong ways. I think coming here and writing about it is a great way to express it; I also feel we should have the right to express it to our h's, too, esp. if they are a contributing factor to that anger.


I think when we give ourselves the chance to let out that anger, it doesn't pressure-cook like a volcano. Physically or verbally assaulting our h's is not the right way, either (though I admit I have done both in the past, back in the early days); but we certainly have the right to express our anger to our h's and to let them know that is what we are feeling, when we are feeling it, and why.

Journaling has also been a great way for me to vent and let out some of my anger, too. As I said, I have been guilty of letting out my anger in unhealthy ways in the past; but over time, I have learned how to let it out in healthier ways.

StillandAgain, I think it's great, and very healthy, that you came here and listed all the reasons why you are feeling angry today. Doing so may help alleviate some of it and make it a little easier to deal with.

[Amo]

I will talk to you. The next step for my h is figuring what happened when he was 10, that lead to him not liking himself, and abusing his member.

[stillandagain]

Ditto Amo!

Its amazing to me how each other's stories are the same as each other's stories.

So sad

[stillandagain]

anger waxes and wanes

sadness is pervasive

[transitionalgrace]

Toosensitive was so insightful and her response was well written. Anger is an emotion that we cannot ignore and the first step it to identify and own up to our anger. If we ignore it or deny it, anger will fester and get out of control. That's when we do some pretty dumb thing.

Anger is a good emotion as long as we don't over react to it. Anger can cause some mighty good changes in our lives. So be angry and feel good about being able to admit to it. Good job, it's part of the grieving process, which is what you are going through. We've been there and although it's not easy to admit to or express, our anger has helped us face our journey.>:D<

[TooSensitive]

Thx, TG! We also have to be careful not to bury our anger, b/c we think by doing so, we are not only protecting them, but also, by doing so, we are giving them the best chance to progress in their recovery. We must be careful not to avoid any of our negative emotions; b/c doing so ends up being done at our own expense, ultimately. It is a case of learning how to express those in healthy ways; not burying those, b/c we think that is the best way to manage them.

I eventually progressed to the point that if I recognized that I was not in a place to express my negative emotions in a healthy way to h, I would find some other way to get them out in the meantime, until I was in a better place. I would either vent to my therapist; vent to a friend; journal; or write h a letter that was never sent. I still have a folder on my desktop called, “Letters To You”, which contains all these letters written only for the purpose of venting. H knows the folder exists, b/c he saw it last night, while he helped me backup my laptop files onto an external hard drive. If he ever told me he wanted to read them, I would let him. So they’re not a secret, and they’re not off-limits. But they have served their purpose, when the time was right.

TG is right in what she writes and esp. about anger being part of the grieving process. Most books written about the grieving process talk about 5 different stages of grief that we need to work through:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining (what if; if only; this is often done with our Higher Power/God – “if you help my loved one, I will never do xyz again”; or in our own mind with the addict – “if only he would do xyz, then we could be happy”; or, “if he stops doing xyz, I will stop doing abc”; sometimes it is a mental trade-off; sometimes it is wishful thinking, and often unrealistic)
4. Depression/sadness
5. Acceptance (once we truly accept what has happened – which does not mean what happened was okay, only that we will be okay, despite what happened – then we can move toward forgiveness. Forgiveness is not granted for the benefit of the person who needs to be forgiven; forgiveness is granted mostly for our own benefit, so that we can ultimately move on from what has happened.)

There is at least one other model out there that involves about 16 different stages, though I am not familiar with it and have only briefly heard of it. My h, in his quest to prove me wrong and to be resistant to anything I have to offer, found that one book which differs from the mainstream. He told me the 5-stage model does not work for him nor apply to him; but that the 16-stage model does. Hey, so long as you’re doing something, whatever works for you, buddy! (My h not only had to grieve the loss of the addiction and the loss of our relationship as we knew it, but also, he never properly grieved the loss of his mother at the age of 12, nor the loss of his first-born child, who was only 4 when she passed away; and his not grieving, but instead, burying all the pain, factored heavily into his current issues.)

I feel that as we move forward in our healing, what can help us, is to recognize that we too are grieving the loss of so many things – who we thought our h’s were, what we thought our relationship was, and many parts of ourselves, besides “life as we know it”. Being a partner, there is an awful lot of loss involved for us; and so, it makes sense that as we go along, we will be feeling many different negative emotions, not only from the direct impact of being traumatized by our h’s behaviors, but also, due to grieving. I went to a series of lectures on grieving a couple of years ago, and the speaker said the typical grieving process takes on average 18 months (though sometimes less, and sometimes more); that you can experience more than one stage of grieving at the same time; that you can skip a stage, only to go back to it later; that you can work through one of the stages and onto the next one, only to find yourself moving backward again through one of the previous stages ; and that grieving happens anytime there is change of any sort, even positive change, and certainly when facing significant life events aside from death, such as addiction. It all made sense to me, and still does.

StillandAgain, I hope you keep expressing your emotions, no matter what those are. The more you do it, the easier it will become, and the less foreign it will feel (if it even feels foreign to you at all). For me, it wasn’t so much the emotions themselves that felt foreign, so much as it was the intensity of those emotions that felt foreign. For a long time, my emotions and my grieving were more charged up than those would have been if someone I loved had died. But that’s what living with an SA can do to you. I am just glad to see you expressing what you are feeling here. The more we express our emotions, the less intense they eventually begin to feel, and the easier it becomes to manage them when they hit again. That was my experience, anyway. When they were at their most intense, I never thought they would ever lessen in their intensity, yet eventually, they did. That was when I knew I’d be okay in the end. You will be too; it just takes time. A lot of time – and a lot of hard work. You are already starting to do the work – you are already on your way! I am glad that your h is here too – I feel that will only help things, and make your healing easier to accomplish. I had to accomplish all my own healing without any help from my h, so first I had to work through resentment about that, and then accepting that he was not going to help me at all. That made it more difficult for me, and that was yet another area of grieving for me; but I became determined, and so, I did it. I came out the other end; you will too – I just know it. Esp. b/c you have your h on the journey with you. Just please remember that if he falls by the wayside, it might set you back temporarily, but you can pick yourself back up again, and you can keep moving forward regardless, even if you have to do so alone. When you come here, you know that you are not alone.

[transitionalgrace]

If anyone is interested, there is a short but excellent book on grief, entitled "Good Grief." I recommend it to many of my patient's and their loved ones.

Another thing we must remember is that with every loss, we experience what is called secondary losses, things that we will miss due to the change in the relationship or life.

Give yourself some slack and time to get a gripe on what is happening to you right now. Be kind to yourself>:D<

[rosie]

I don't think anger is a feeling. I think anger is a defence mechanism.

Anger alerts you to the fact that something is wrong, unfair, unjust, and unacceptable in your life. Anger represents a conflict of values and how you are living.
Anger distances you from your feelings, so that you can make decisions with your head and not your emotions. Anger makes you more rational (in my opinion) and able to better deal with true conflicts going on - it allows you to make decisions without social /emotional conflict. Anger is important for our survival - it inspires us to act, to change things, to respond to a threat to ourselves. The problem with anger in our society is that we are taught to keep anger hidden and we live in an unnatural way - a very false way - people rarely express how they are really feeling and instead put on a social veneer. We try to 'love unconditionally' which although I love the concept, I think is a very unnatural way to live. You don't see any other animal living this way. If a tiger took all the resources, another tiger in the pack might kill him. In our world though, we are taught that you keep going and keep loving and don't react with anger because it isn't "nice" and it isn't "ladylike" and it isn't "civil".

My counsellor said that Anger is NEVER the true feeling. That anger MASKS the real feelings under the surface - the only two emotions under there (according to him) are fear, and sadness.

I love anger because it makes stuff happen. To me, it is a motivator. If I am angry, it is for a darn good reason and I try to use it to make my life better. I think its healthy to express anger and to use it in a constructive way, but only dealing with the anger and not the emotions underneath the anger is a recipe for disaster in my opinion.