I'm going to marry a PA

[Pony]

Hi everyone.

Me and my fiance has been together for three years. He is a PA, he realizes the fact and fights with it. He tries really hard to be honest with me, though he's ashamed of what he does. I do my best to support him and always be there for him, to love him no matter what. We're going to get married this year. We've been in a long-distance relationship since the begining and I wonder if there will be some problems and issues we haven't faced yet as we haven't lived with each other before. Actually, I'm pretty sure there will be some. And here's my question: what should we expect, prepare for? How does living with an addict looks like? Do you have some advices? I now some of you are married. How do children affect a marriage in this context, how is daily life etc.? I hope you understand what's bothering me.

Thanks for your help,
Pony

[transitionalgrace]

I your future husband admits to porn than you should know that you will never be the only woman in his life. He will lie, cheat, or do whatever he has to do to get his fix from his drug of choice - the drug of porn.

What to expect? Well I was married 34 years before I learned of my husband's addiction. You will lose your trust for him because of the lies and the deceit. You will learn about and feel the pain that addiction causes to loved ones. You may very likely suffer with low self-esteem because you will never be able to live up to the women that he is lusting over. As you get older, he will continue to check out sites that have younger women willing to appease the desires of your h for a price. His desire for you will diminish.

Your time with him will get less and less because he will want more and more of his drug -porn. Rather than go to bed with you, he will stay up until early morning hours to watch porn and chat with other women. Rather than get chores done at home he will be feeding his addiction with the computer. while you are gone visiting friends and relatives, he will be on the computer feeding that ugly monster within himself.

Anytime you decide that you are going to try to cure him, he will not like you because YOU will be the enemy. You will be that nag trying to get in between he and his drug. Guess which one he is going to pick.

if your boyfriend is serious about recovery, I hope that he has himself in therapy and a support group. You need to educate yourself on the subject of porn addiction. Educate yourself before you get married, so that you can make educated and knowledgable decisions. If he isn't getting serious help for his addiction, then he isn't serious about beating it.

I wish you luck. After 34 years, I know that my husband drug means more to him than our relationship. I am now in the process of a divorce. I hope this offers you some idea that porn is not just his problem if you are married. It will be your problem as well. Think strongly about your decision. It will not be an easy life living with a porn addict.

[Amo]

I your future husband admits to porn than you should know that you will never be the only woman in his life. He will lie, cheat, or do whatever he has to do to get his fix from his drug of choice - the drug of porn.

What to expect? Well I was married 34 years before I learned of my husband's addiction. You will lose your trust for him because of the lies and the deceit. You will learn about and feel the pain that addiction causes to loved ones. You may very likely suffer with low self-esteem because you will never be able to live up to the women that he is lusting over. As you get older, he will continue to check out sites that have younger women willing to appease the desires of your h for a price. His desire for you will diminish.

Your time with him will get less and less because he will want more and more of his drug -porn. Rather than go to bed with you, he will stay up until early morning hours to watch porn and chat with other women. Rather than get chores done at home he will be feeding his addiction with the computer. while you are gone visiting friends and relatives, he will be on the computer feeding that ugly monster within himself.

Anytime you decide that you are going to try to cure him, he will not like you because YOU will be the enemy. You will be that nag trying to get in between he and his drug. Guess which one he is going to pick.

if your boyfriend is serious about recovery, I hope that he has himself in therapy and a support group. You need to educate yourself on the subject of porn addiction. Educate yourself before you get married, so that you can make educated and knowledgable decisions. If he isn't getting serious help for his addiction, then he isn't serious about beating it.

I wish you luck. After 34 years, I know that my husband drug means more to him than our relationship. I am now in the process of a divorce. I hope this offers you some idea that porn is not just his problem if you are married. It will be your problem as well. Think strongly about your decision. It will not be an easy life living with a porn addict.

This is insightful. I hope to not get to this place. I've been married for ten years, and my h's use is a daily habit. I guess I am lucky that he wants to get over his depression. And I think the P is a huge part of him feeling down. Thank you for your insight, and I hope everything gets better for you.

[JenMac]

Hi Pony!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad that you are here.
I am an SO here and I have been here for almost a year, in fact it was last year at this time that I discovered my H's P use and addiction.
My H and I have been married for 34 years and we have had a great marriage for all those years so the discovery of this was devastating to me. It has been a long difficult year.
But Pony, I can tell you that my H and I have worked through this together and have become so much stronger and closer over the past number of months. We have both worked very hard on our healing to get to this good place.
I can tell you that it gives me hope that your bf has come to you with his struggles. He admitting to this is huge in my mind! Most often this is discovered by the SO and that is so very hard!
Yes Pony, there will definately be struggles and issues that you have to contend with, no doubt about it. However, if your bf committs to his own recovery and continues on with being honest with you, that can only help to assist you both on your road to healing from this addiction.
There are many couples here who have been able to work through this and who have found themselves in a better place from doing just that. Working together seems to be the best way to do it.
Pony, TTF has been a blessing to me during this time of healing. I don't know where we would be without it. My H Mac is here as well. Perhaps your bf would join us! It could be a very good thing for him too.
Wishing you well Pony!
All the best!
Jenn

[rosie]

Look through the SO journals. Marrying a PA is like marrying any other addict - except, with every other addiction, your joint sexual intimacy is directly impacted by the addiction.

The fact that you are on this forum asking and presumably he isn't - is pretty expected and also alarming. If he is the addict, he should be making sure that you are reassured and have the information necessary to move forward with being married. Given you are asking about problems that might occur in your relationship - I assume you haven't read a whole lot about pa/sa. If this is so, you really need to read about it extensively to know what you are in for. Forearmed is forewarned. Knowledge is power!

I've been married to my PA/SA for 10 years, we have children. I would never knowingly marry an addict of any kid - but particularly a PA/SA as the journey is absolutely horrendous and crushing. It's like marrying a ticking time bomb. I personally, and with hindsight would waited until he is in recovery for at least 2 or 3 years if we loved eachother after all was said and done.

Good luck with everything.

[Pony]

Thank you all, your utterances are helpful.


Transitionalgrace, I really feel for you. I see how a reluctant attitude of an addict may influence his partner's feelings. And as my parents are divorcing, I can tell what an awful thing it is. I wish you healing over all this nightmare with all my heart.
Personally, I am aware that it's not only his problem. Well, it's never been. We both work hard to overcome it. Also it's not like I am the only one who wants him out of this or even that he fights with this just for me. He hates his addiction, mostly because it destroys his relationship with God and his conscience. He needs my help, I know it and he knows it too, so he tries to confess to me every collapse. We talk a lot and actually it gets us closer, being honest about our feelings helps both of us. It's not easy but I still trust him, maybe because he told me about the addiction right at the begining of our relathionship. Although I can see how embarassing it is for him, he's never tried to hide the problem. That shows me how he loves me and cares about me and gives me hope that eventually we can win this war.
I know how it hurts, and it hurts bad. I already have some problems with self-esteem and body image, though I'm 18 and attractive. Sometimes I can't sleep or have nightmares – and I'd never had problems with insomnia before. Sometimes consciousness of P's presence in my fiance's life gets me down so much that I don't want to go anywhere nor talk to anyone, don't want to get up from bed nor study nor anything. Those days I only feel like crowling into a dark cave and never going out. What I'm afraid of is what you mentioned – ceasing desire and interest in me and our home etc. I sometimes get paranoid. But in all these thoughts and feelings God is my relief, He truly comforts me and helps me find joy. That's why I want to get married – I know I'm needed and also I know that with Jesus on my side, there will be nothing that I couldn't bear.
About his recovery: that's the tough one. There's definitely a lack of support groups, forums etc. in our country, especially in his city. And because he doesn't speak English well, he can't join this particular community and I regret it, but can't do anything about that. However my goal for this year is to find a counsellor or a group or anything and encourage him to get professional help. For the time being, he talks with me, his friend and his pastor. I find it a good begining.
I read about PA and SA a lot, that's how I found this forum. I've posted this thread with hope that I'll get some more personal adviced and you didn't let me down, so thanks again.


JenMac, I've read your posts and I must admit that your and your husband's attitude is very comforting and encouraging. Like you noticed and like I wrote above, it's my fiance's honesty what gives me hope. And I am not going to give up and I will fight till death. I love him so much and he's so important to me that I won't let him struggle with this alone – and that's what is love about, isn't it?
To me, this forum is a great place as well. I've found it recently in my miserable days and I thanked God with tears in my eyes. Unfortunately, my fiance can't be here (as I already explained). My only thought is that I could be his translator but it doesn't seem convenient. Anyway, we'll see.


Rosie, I guess I'm being silly that it hasn't come to my mind to look up journals. So obvious! Thank you.
I know it's going to be hard and I'm trying to prepare for the worst but I'm still going to marry him. I considered waiting a number of years but it came to me (and he told me the same) that one of his biggest hindrances in his recovery is living alone. I also need to be close to him, have a possibility to get a hug in difficult times and talk and spend time together as much as we can. (By the way, to my mind this is what's different in SA or PA than in other addictions, that a partner needs help from the exact same person that hurts her – or him. That's kind of confusing).
About him, I think he started to fully realize my share in this not so long ago. It's this year when he finally found out that it's not about his fight, it's about ours. I came to that much, much earlier. I admit that we're getting along better now, after his „discovery”. So I'm looking ahead with hope.


Let me repeat one of my questions: what about kids? Did the addiction change your or your partner's contact with them? Or how their presence affected you as a couple? Gave you strenght to fight, became one more problem to bear or what? If they found out, how it was to them?

[Hopeful]

Hi Pony,
I feel there is always hope and the fact that he has told you about this before you are married is such a big step. Your question about kids.....Although our children are in their 20's now, the youngest still lives at home. We've been married 31 years and since discovery last March, our relationship with them has tremendously improved. Since we are healing and recovering they seem to notice the difference and want to spend more time with us and it has made us so much more of a loving family.
I really feel that you are lucky to have found this out at such a young age and the possibility of having such a loving, open and honest relationship right from the start is a wonderful thing.
I wish you the best. Communication and understanding from your fiance is the key to helping you both get through this. You definitely are stronger together than apart when dealing with anything in life.

[rosie]

About him, I think he started to fully realize my share in this not so long ago. It's this year when he finally found out that it's not about his fight, it's about ours. I came to that much, much earlier. I admit that we're getting along better now, after his „discovery”. So I'm looking ahead with hope.

It might be your fight as a couple to you, but unless he is 100% committed 100% of the time, it's going to be your pain and his failing.

Its normal to feel better after a confession - they just got it off their chest, and you just had to take it on. Relief for them, hurt for you. You feel relieved to finally know what is going on. The closeness you feel will wane over time most likely and you will face ups and downs.

Let me repeat one of my questions: what about kids? Did the addiction change your or your partner's contact with them? Or how their presence affected you as a couple? Gave you strenght to fight, became one more problem to bear or what? If they found out, how it was to them?

Having children in this mess is cruel on them.

Having children makes your life more stressful and the more stressed a PA is, the harder his recovery. It makes you less able to leave if your husband decided he can't be bothered in recovery. It also makes you feel insecure about your body, it harms your sex life and would most likely make recovery difficult due to extra demands.

Please read about this addiction - it rips families apart.

Here's a question for you. Is your partner on a forum (or this one?)?

[Pony]

Two responces, two points of view...

Hopeful, I'm happy for your family in this hard time. Thanks for the warm words..

Rosie, apparently you haven't read all my post, so I'll repeat what I've already wrote about it. There's no such forum available in our language (well, I found out that it was one a few years ago) and he's not fluent enough in any other. So no, he isn't. And - also like I've wrote before - I do know a lot about both PA and SA. We're not going to have children right after the wedding because I have to finish my study first. What if he had been in recovery for a few years and been doing okay, would having kids be still so harmful to them or us? Well, I don't think so, if you do, please be more accurate, if you don't mind.

Its normal to feel better after a confession - they just got it off their chest, and you just had to take it on. Relief for them, hurt for you. You feel relieved to finally know what is going on. The closeness you feel will wane over time most likely and you will face ups and downs.

You see, it's not like I'm relieved because I "finally know what is going on". I've known all the time. Actually, I don't feel any relief at all. I'm just happy to be there for him and help him out, happy to be his friend, sad to hear that he collapsed again, but happy to know that he's not giving up. I'm not sure if you understand what I mean, I can see that our experiences are so different in this matter...

[rosie]

Good luck to you both.