I'm going to marry a PA

[transitionalgrace]

I will pray for you and your boyfriend. An added comment to your response to me. You mentioned that you have God and Jesus on your side, thus I assume you are a Christian. I am a chaplain and I too would have supported my husband IF I knew that he would really work towards sobriety. Even now he is chatting with young women, your age, on a regular basis. If you and your boyfriend truly believe in the Word of God, then you both know that lust can be harmful. Forgiveness is good, but one must truly redeem themselves. Your boyfriend may have a language barrier, but pornography is a pandemic problem around the world. I think that it would be possible to find a website in his language where he can work on his addiction.

You wanted to know about kids and several women have responded to your question. My daughters are 31 and 28. They knew about my husband's addiction before me because he left his browser history on my daughter's computer when he was babysitting my young granddaughter. She was very unhappy to think that he was on the prowl for women in the area for sex while watching our precious granddaughter. The fact that their father is into checking out women younger than them also frightens them. So you see, unless your boyfriend is 100% into recovery you can look for alot of heartache.

I ask that you do yourself a favor and talk to a therapist before you get married. I just want you to be certain that you are really ready for such a big step in your life, especially when you are facing an addiction that escalates if the addict doesn't get help.

Good luck to you. May God guide you in this decision.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi Pony,

What does your fiance do to show you he hates his P addiction and is fighting it? Does he have an internet filter, phone with no internet, attending support groups or counselling? What is he doing, other than telling you that he is fighting?

I hope you will think about counselling prior to getting married as others have suggested. I would also look into information about enabling and co-dependancy. I truly hope your fiance is committed to recovery, that's why I am interested to know what he is doing to fight this addction.

I wish you well. You are so young and I hate to think of you knowingly entering into a committment that already seems like its giving you symptoms of depression. If this relationship is true and meant to be, it doesn't hurt to wait a little while to see what happens on the recovery front, does it?

[vintageturtle]

Pony, you bring up some interesting questions. I think the answers will depend on how well your partner is doing with recovery. It sounds like he has relapses regularly, but is it daily? weekly? yearly? If he has been making steady progress and making real sacrifices to help his recovery (internet filters, getting rid of the internet at his place completely, etc.), I would be more optimistic than if he has been working on recovery but his acting out hasn't decreased.

When I was looking for information and support for spouses online, I came across a question similar to yours. The answers were mostly "don't get married; be grateful you know now so you can avoid that situation." And I was mad after reading that. Because they were basically saying that I shouldn't have married my H. He wasn't a PA then, but he became one. As mad as I was at my H, he was finally making progress with recovery (his attempts all failed until he confessed to me, did a 12-step programme, and started attending SA meetings), and I felt like our marriage was going to survive it. So I was upset that they were suggesting that I should have thrown our marriage away, if I had only known he would have this addiction.

Now, if he hadn't been making improvements and really recovering, we would have been headed towards divorce and my answer may have been different. I don't think it would be a good idea to enter into a marriage with someone who is a PA or SA and is not making progress, not keeping sober and in recovery.

You make an interesting point about how it might be more difficult for him to slip if he's not living alone. By looking around at the PAs here, it does seem that the men in relationships are more likely to stay sober. But this kind of thinking puts you in the role of protector. Will you two always be home at the same time? Will you feel like you can't ever go out and leave him on his own? It was important in the beginning, IMO, and made my H's recovery easier to have me around. In the beginning, he wasn't home alone (or only very rarely) and I never went up to bed before he did. But that was in the beginning, before his hormones and all that had a chance to return to normal. We still go to bed at the same time now, because it is better for our marriage if neither one of us stays up late without the other, but he is home alone at times.

About children: We were just starting our family when H became an addict. I had no idea; he hid it for 8 years, going on and off between having times when he was regularly indulging to going for months without it. I thought he was just really busy; he would get home late, often after I was asleep, and then be exhausted in the morning. I thought he was just working a lot, and it was just part of our life that I did all of the childcare, errands, and housework. But often he was staying up late with P, when I was asleep.

When he wasn't in a using phase, he would spend long hours at work in an effort to stay away from it (he never used at work). So the children didn't see much of him. And I think he held back emotionally, because he was afraid that his addiction would grow to become so much of a problem that he would lose his family. He also says that he now realizes that he was lax in a lot of his duties as a husband and father because he knew that if he was trying to do "the right stuff" in his life, that giving up P would be the most important priority. Does that make sense? Like he couldn't be a parent and tell someone else to do the right thing when he wasn't doing the right thing. He blames himself for the problems our family has had, because he wasn't investing himself fully in us.

And it just really stunk never having him around or available. I'm amazed now at how much more time he has for us. His relationship with the kids now has definitely improved. He's here and awake at bedtime to help with the kids. So, if I were going to do this all over again, even if I were still to marry him, I wouldn't have brought kids into the relationship until he were really sober.

[vintageturtle]

About his recovery: that's the tough one. There's definitely a lack of support groups, forums etc. in our country, especially in his city.

Are there Alcoholics Anonymous groups he can attend? Sexaholics Anonymous is based on AA. I think the founder of SA either read the AA book or was attending meetings, and adapted the programme for SA. Or there may be general addiction recovery groups he can attend. My church has an addiction recovery support group; I believe they don't talk about the specifics of their addiction, so it's very anonymous in that way.

[BelieveInHope]

Pony,
My advice would be to hold off on the wedding for two to three years, and if he has gotten help and recovered and you both have put in the work to heal your relationship, then get married.

I was 20 and attractive too when I got married. I wasted 9 years trying to be pretty for a man who was looking at every other woman and girl but me. I still am attractive, as are the other women on here. Being attractive or beautiful won't stop him from lusting and fantasizing after porn, after women in public, or after your friends and even family members.

There is no harm in staying engaged for another couple of years and seeing how things go.

I don't want you to look back and feel like you wasted your life.

Best of luck.

[rosie]

I'm just happy to be there for him and help him out, happy to be his friend, sad to hear that he collapsed again, but happy to know that he's not giving up. I'm not sure if you understand what I mean, I can see that our experiences are so different in this matter...

Our experiences are not different, I am just 10 years in. When I first discovered PA I was hurt, but I also felt "Glad he was open" and "wanted to be his friend and help him" - this is called co-dependance or co-addiction. I wanted to rescue him and it gave me a purpose.

Don't assume that your case is any different - that could be a symptom of denial. There are varying degrees with all addictions, varying behaviors, but they all share the common threads; self-absorption, lack of values, hurtful behavior, manipulation/deception. In fact, addiction is contrary to every single marriage vow there is.

[StollenHeart]

Welcome to TTF Pony, gald you are here!
I am an SO and have been married for 6yrs and with my husband for 7+yrs. I just recently found out about his addiction last month. We also have two children. Honestly still trying to hold things together and figure stuff out I would say be careful. I love my h very much and plan on helping him through this but it has definetly changed A LOT of things in our marriage. Trust is lost, and we are fighting more, which does affect the kids.
My h is also refusing therapy and thinks that since I found out than everything is fine-very frustrating. You will have your good days and bad days in your relationship/marriage.
Marriage is a very serious step, bringing an addiction into it will be difficult. But if you both are willing to overcome and you have the love to fight through than go for it! But if you have ANY feeling of doubt,please take that to heart.

God bless
SH

[fragileego]

I married a PA last year. We had a long distance relationship for some time, lived together for some time (without me having known about his PA), and I left my home and my life to relocate to another country to start a life with him. I did not find out about his PA until I was 8 months pregnant with our first child, less than 3 months ago. I don't think I would have married him had I known about this addiction unless he was in treatment for a period of time and heading toward recovery.

Now that we are married and have a child, this complicates things. I love my SO with all my heart, and I truly want us to be able to work through this, but I do feel stuck at times, and as though I've entered into this marriage without fully knowing what I'd gotten myself into. I feel horrible for saying that.

Just speaking from my own experience, I think you should live with him and give it some time before you marry him. You mentioned that you have self-esteem issues, and if that is the case, then you may not be fully prepared for how his PA will affect you. Again, I am only speaking from my own experience with my SO, but, as admirable as you are for wanting to work through this with him, it doesn't sound as though you are fully sure how his PA will affect you, and you are important too.

[rosie]

as though I've entered into this marriage without fully knowing what I'd gotten myself into.

I felt the same way - and i think many SO's do.

I feel horrible for saying that.

Please dont. It's true. It's your truth, and you didn't know what you were getting into and that sux. It doesn't change that you love him and are working through things. Don't apologise for your feelings, you have a right to feel those things.

[TooSensitive]

I married my h last June, fully knowing about his SA. He was still in recovery at that time, though the month prior, he had stopped going to SA meetings. Back then, I wasn't too concerned about that, b/c he was still seeing his CSAT, after all.

Yes, I love my h, and yes, that had to be present for me to marry him. But I was becoming very physically ill, and I needed my h's health insurance; and that was what prompted me to marry him spontaneously. Otherwise, I would have preferred to wait until he was further along with his recovery. Which could have meant that we would never marry, if his progress was not to my satisfaction.

He stopped seeing his CSAT last fall, due to finances. Now that we have the money again for him to resume, he is telling me he does not feel he needs any further counseling, b/c "he has everything he needs within himself". Well, we all do. But sometimes we don't know how to tap into that without the help of a professional. And even if my h already has all he needs within himself, he is not using it to his advantage. We still have major issues with communication concerning anything involving emotions. He avoids talking about his, unless those are related to his job; and he is not interested in hearing me talk about mine, either. He's made that obvious to me, even though for a time in the past, he was interested. He just isn't any longer.

Please be careful; sometimes once they "snare" us, they become lazy and complacent about recovery. My h did. But b/c I had seen some progress in him, I didn't see that one coming. And now, he acts as though he doesn't need any more recovery, and that I am just supposed to accept that there will be times when he still "lusts over other women". As if I could.

I don't dwell on the past, and I accept my situation, in terms of certain things. I accept that I did what I did, without regret. But if someone were to ask me what I would do differently if I could, my answer would be, "Wait to get married, until he had progressed much further".

Marriage has its benefits, and sometimes our being there is that incentive and that motivation that helps push them through. But sometimes, being married is that justification to become complacent about recovery. If they want to recover for themselves too and not just to keep us in their lives, I think there is less of a chance that this will happen. But if they don't truly believe they need to recover from anything, and are only in recovery in an effort to try to appease us, that is when they will most likely become complacent, like my h did.

I see good signs of what is going on in your fiance's recovery; the honesty factor is so important, besides his motivation to recover for himself, too. So I do feel he has a good chance at making it, and that the two of you have a good chance at making it, too. Just please remember that life holds no guarantees, no matter how great things appear to be going. Just please be realistic and please be prepared that the final outcome could go either way.

Pony, it sounds as if your mind is made up. Only you can decide what to do in your own life. If this is what you truly want to do, then I say go for it, and I wish you nothing less than the best of luck, strength, love, peace, and healing for you both. And congratulations!