I am an enabler

[Amo]

Where to start, I saw p, my parents were into some stuff. I met this fantastic man, when I would go to his home, he would be into his P. We started a relationship, then married. I knew about what he did, and felt like crap, but thought it was normal.

I, when he asked, and he was overseas, went and looked for P for him. I bought P for him. I paid for his subscriptions.

Well, things have not gotten better intamently. I have no sex drive now. And he changed. This was after having three children together.

He wakes in the morning, I don't bother to get out of bed, because if I do, I know he's with his P. I go to bed earlier than him, he's with his P, he will get up in the middle of the night, yup he's with his P. And sometimes after a bad day, he's with his P.

He admitted today this started when he found his father's stash, very young.

I am tired, and can't deal. I am thankful to find this site, and I am an enabler of his addiction.

[Crisodian]

Amo,
First, a warm welcome to TTF. I am the SO of a PA who has been in recovery since 2009.

I think you will find that many of us here feel in some way we enabled our H's addiction. Not all of us purchased P, but so many of us looked the other way during our H's P use sending the message "it's ok to use", and in a way, enabling our H's to continue with thir bad choices and bad behavior simply because we never said "STOP". And then there are others who had no idea what their H's were doing, using or sinking into.

I'm sorry you are struggling right now. Have you communicated how you feel to your H? Often times, many SOs find it very helpful to write a letter to their H, telling him how their P use makes them feel, what it is doing to your life, and why you want it to stop. Sometimes, when the addict "sees" in writing what their use is doing, it helps them find the resolve to stop the P cycle.

I also recommend a boundary letter. What will you accept in your life and in your home? What are your conditions to him? Do you want him to stop completely and get help? Do you want him to tell you if he relapses? What are the consequences of his actions?

But more important than anything else, is to remember the following:

1. Even though you feel you enabled your H to seek and use P, his PA is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. The addiction is his.

2. Seek help and healing for yourself. Recovery and healing as an SO is hard and emotional. Support for yourself and finding your own healing are key to helping yourself. Your healing will be different from his pursuit of addiction recovery.

3. Take care of yourself. Rest. Eat.

Find peace on your journey,
~C~

[Amo]

Thank you.

He got rid of his stash last night. And as he did that, I didn't know how much. And I wasn't surprised that it was more than I thought.

I had him sign up for here, and he has been in therapy for six months for depression. He has been depressed for years, but never told his therapist about this, and the only reason I know that is because H told me. He doesn't talk about his p use. Only I knew. I told him to tell his therapist.

Being on square one is the toughest currently. He was talking this morning to me very frankly, and we have a great communication, just not about this, and sitting there hearing him talk about it, was uncomfortable.

At least now I know why he was irritated on vacations in hotel rooms with me. He wasn't near his stash. And he, at least for me, hasn't figured out hand held stuff, because he hates cell phones.

I need the support. I find it weird writing about this. But I just wrote so much, again this is weird. My parents were big S&N people and I knew about it, that was why p wasn't a huge deal to me. I am not a prude, but what my H was doing wasn't like what my parents did, so I am not understanding the addiction. I understand it IS AN ADDICTION.

[rosie]

At least now I know why he was irritated on vacations in hotel rooms with me. He wasn't near his stash.

Oh yeah - my HB hates holidays with me/family and usually spent time away in the room after goading me into a fight so I left him with his own devices. I remember one time we met my brother in another state for dinner - my HB spent the whole time in the hotel room - we were at dinner for 3 hours. I was so embarrassed. Husband said he was "in the toilet". Yeah, ok.

He always rushed to pay the hotel bill too - wonder why that was!!

Anyway. The journey is long and you will look back on other memories and see how P use affected everything you did.

Depression is common too - pa's often use P as an escape from feelings, and literally depress emotions. Hence DEPRESSION. Just like alcoholics or drug addicts, the substance of choice is uses to help them distance from feelings.

[stillandagain]

I, too, am an enabler. Mostly in NOT leaving my H PA, before or since we've been married. I knew about the P at the start of our relationship, it cut me to the quick. Its like this: I would discover something, he would lie, then admit a small part, and I would make demands and not leave. I bought him the latest SmartPhone which triggered the last cycle. This is barely the beginning of my enabling, but you get the picture. We BOTH have a long history with this issue, but I am just beginning to understand the part about my enabling. Now we are both here at TTF, are looking for a 12-step group, have installed filters and safeguards, due to a combination of discoveries lately - one of the main one being that his almost 13 year old son has admitted to seeing N women on a stinking LEGO site! I checked his history on my computer and it was more than a one-time thing (duh!).

Anyway, I do not want to BE an enabler anymore! I have a lot to learn. I also want to stand behind my own ultimatum to not tolerate this behavior anymore. Its too painful.[-(