Lifetime Over

[onmyown]

Hello to all you partners of PA's out there. I have fliitted in and out of this site over the last year, but now feel the need to join and express my sadness. After finding my hubby on internet porn sites back in November 2009, I have ben through the worst time in my life. We tried 2 different concillers, ( didn't realise how deep he was into it then) he lied each time and denied the depth of the situation! We ended up going thru 2 computers and 6 laptops. He would get found out again, destroy them, promise to stop then go out and buy another one and then hide them all over. he has now left as it was destroying me. he is renting a house not far away and I hardly ever hear from him. I am so hurt at the rejection. We had been together fot 36 years! I went round to see him to take some mail as i still worry about him, and he says he can't look me in the eye. He is not the same strong man he once was and this addiction has brainwashed him. He was asked if he wanted help and to come back home by a relative but his answer was " Not if I have to give my laptop up" I feel so lonely and am now struggling to make ends meet in a part time job. some days I dont know which way to turn. Losing my lovely husband to a cyber world!!

[JenMac]

HI Onmyown!
Oh I am so sorry for your circumstances and pain! Such a sad, sad thing!
I too have been married almost 35 years to my H Mac. I know the heartache you are experiencing and I know how difficult it must be that you are apart! I am glad you are here!
Mac and I have been here for about 11 months and we are coming up to a year from the time of discovery in just 2 short weeks. It has been a rollercoaster ride ever since.
I see that you have been to counsellors and have not felt much success OMO. I am sorry that hasn't seemed to help!
You have come to a good place! There is much support for you here! And if your H chooses to join there is support for him as well! In fact there are a few of us couples here and it has worked well to be working at this together and to feel the support and friendship of others who are going through the same things. I hope you will discover it to be the blessing that I have!
I am wishing you well OMO! Whatever happens within your marriage, it is important at this moment that you care for yourself! I know that is not easy but it is absolutely necessary!
Wishing you well OMO!
I am glad you have found us!
Jenn

[onmyown]

Thank you so much Jenmac for you understanding reply. only You and lots of others on here really know the pain and hurt this causes. Only close family know of the situation. My eldest son hasn't spoken to his dad since June 2010, so he hasn't seen his grandaughter whom he previously worshipped. This doesn't seem to bother him. My other son lives away and speaks from time to time with him, but has decided after many aguments with his dad, all to no avail that the best thing to do is not mention the subject and pretend it doesn't exsist! we are going through the motions of divorce, but at the moment my hubby wants to hear no more from the solicitor at this time. He is just burying his head in the sand! This makes me think there is a small part of him that wants to know I am in the background, but I need to move on. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare, but I know I never can. He enjoys doing this so much. I read on this site somewhere that a PA said even prison or death would not make him stop. I believe my hubby feels this way!:((

[JenMac]

Wow OMO!
That is such a sad thing! Your H sounds like he is in very deep! Such a hard time for me/us to wrap our minds around, isn't it? Throwing away everything in your life for this superficial, dehumanizing, soul destroying world of Internet P. How unbelievable is that? I don't believe I can ever truly understand how this can be so all consuming.
OMO, I know it is hard to accept this. I know that after so many years of marriage, you must feel like you are left flailing in the darkness, but you have to move on from here. You have to put one foot in front of the other and start to put your life back together. I am glad you are here! Have you considered seeking support from an in person support group? I belong to Alanon which is for loved ones of alcoholics but I know there are groups that are dedicated to this addiction too. Perhaps seeking that out may be good for you too? I found, for me, that family members and friends, while well meaning, really had no understanding of what I was going through so I chose not to share this with them at this time. I have shared in the past and found that stressful in itself so I did not this time round.
You need to look after yourself OMO. Do things that you need at this time and be kind to yourself. You are grieving and you need to give yourself the time to do that while gently moving yourself along.
I am so sorry you are going through this especially at this time of your life! It is a huge loss!
I am sending huge hugs your way OMO!
(bighug)
Jenn

[Broken Spirit]

OMO, I am sorry that you are having to deal with all of this pain, but am glad that TTF is here to educate and to support all of us in this position. >:D<

I have been with my husband for ten years. I can only imagine the pain you must feel after 36 years to discover that you are married to a stranger.:(

Please remember to take care of you. You deserve much better than what you have received.

[transitionalgrace]

I too am sorry that you had to find your way to this site, but know that there are many who are walking a journey similiar to yours. You have support and compassion from many. The reason I am responding is because I have been married 34 years. I learned of my husband's pa on July 31, 2010. He left that night and I am thankful that he did.

He too is acting much like your husband. He is willing to give up the life that he worked 34 plus years to achieve for his addiction. The drug of his choice is the porn! You wonder if he wants the divorce. Let me tell you that his decision to do "nothing" is a decision. He is probably wanting you to make the moves. I have the same problem. I started the divorce when he said he wanted one. Now he rarely talks to his attorney. I am continuing to push for the divorce because he is not making any decisions, which means I must if I am going to work towards my healing.

Your husband's only concern is his need for the adult entertainment. You've been in his life and it never interfered with his sex activity so he might feel that he is obligated to "take care of you." I think my husband told my daughter that he wasn't going to toss me to the curb. Well he did imo, and so now I am on working to improve my living conditions and myself. I am working towards healing and getting stronger. I have a therapist, I worked on myself in an online work shop and I found online support groups.

Your children, even as adults, can't even fathom what you are feeling. Their relationship is different than your relationship with your partner. They can't understand the humiliation and sense of betrayal that we feel. They can't understand the loss of trust or the loss of self esteem that we feel. They just want to keep in contact with their father. My adult daughters feel the same way, even after he blamed them for our marital problems and told my oldest daughter that she would never see him again. it's manipulation at it's best.

Do yourself a favor and get some help. educate yourself on this problem. Start to work towards your own healing and put yourself first! You probably haven't done that in a long time and can be the most difficult step to take. You've put your partner ahead of your own needs most of your life. It worked to fuel his narcissitic supply. Learn to love yourself, be patient with yourself, and know that you deserve to be loved fully and to enjoy a real emotional, intimate relationship. Your husband isn't capable of that now. Set your sights for better things for you! Take baby steps, one step at a time. You can do it. And stick with this group! They will walk each step with you offering you the support and encouragement that you need. Prayers and hugs friend.>:D<o:-)

[onmyown]

Thank you so much. Your life seems an exact replica of mine. , I had sent him a text 2 weeks ago to tell him of my dads birthday today) as my father has been so good to him over the years. I had not heard from him for weeks and felt I needed to hear from him (dont know why) He turned up yesterday with a card and during our conversation I started to cry. His reaction was, here is some money as I dont want you to struggle and you only have to ask if you are short. he also said you only have to click your fingers and I will come back. I said if you ADMIT you have an addiction I will help you. His reply was I am not addicted I have just been stupid! When you have seen your husband climbing out the loft with the laptop, running down the garden to hide the laptop under the dustbin, going to bed for a so called "afternoon nap" and being found to be clutching the laptop under the covers and other stuff too numerous to mention I know he has an addiction. I only have to look in his eyes and can see quilt and shame in them. Even now I am tempted to take him back, but I know I am worth more than that. Trouble is I still love the man that WAS and I am greiving for him. I feel so sad. You are right about the children as my youngest son makes excuses for him. What a terrible way for a marriage to end. Is there any success storie's? Seems our husbands dont even want to try

[IN NEED OF HELP]

onmyown
I am a PA. I am sorry for your struggles that you are going through. I am so sorry for ALL that us addicts put there loved ones through. It is not fair to any Wife, or SO to be treated this way.

I just Pray, that your husband comes to see that he does have a problem, and that he will do something about it. Until that time does come where he realize that he does need help, all you can do is try to find a way to start healing yourself. you are off to a good start just by being here. All the SO's here, will do all they can to help you through all this.

I do hope for the best with you, in all of your pain. God bless you.