good reading material

[StollenHeart]

I have been doing a lot of research on p addiction since I found out. There is a lot of usefull information and personal stories all over the net in many different sites, and of course here >:D< My husband actually showed me this site >:D<
I ended up on Amazon looking at books about p addiction and women dealing with their husbands addiction etc. I am very impressed how many choices of books there are, helping people PA and So's to get through together. I had a few in mind to read but instead of ordering them through Amazon or where ever, I decided to go out to my local book stores and ourchase them now (too impatient to wait weeks for my new books lol).
Sadly I could only find ONE book on p addiction!! ONE! I went to 4 different books stores and out of the four only one store had A BOOK! (needless to say I did purchase it Out Of The Shadows).
Learning more about p addiciton and realizing it is actually is quite commen, I am very disappointed reading material is unavailable unless you order it. It should be easier to find.
Has anyone else noticed this?? Or recommend any good reads??

Thanks :-B

[transitionalgrace]

I didn't find many on the subject either. Most of the books are written for the pa and refer to the so's as co-addicts. I personally don't like that title. What I did learn after awhile is to go to the bookstore and peruse the relationship books. I found several that wrote about how the relationship affects us. "Pornland", is an excellent resource as well as "Pornified" and any books by Patrick Carnes. There is the book entitled "the manipulative Male." I have a whole list that I have read, but many of the books that I read were suggested by authors of the book I read before I bought the next one.

[TooSensitive]

“Out of the Shadows” was the very first book I read. I almost threw it across the room. PC, the author, was basically telling me that I had to accept half of the blame for h’s behavior. I was so angry after reading this! I saw the overall value and lessons to be learned in the book; but there were parts that I just refused to apply to myself being a partner, calling myself a “co-addict” being one of those. After reading that book, I told my h I refused to take any blame for the lies he had told and for the things he had chosen to do. He was doing these things long before I ever met him, so how could I be to blame for behavior that began decades ago? B/c I allowed it to go on? I didn’t even know it was going on for a time. And once I did, that is when I demanded it stop, the denial stop, and that he get himself into recovery.

A good book for partners to read, IMO, is “Your S*xually Addicted Spouse”. I did have to order it off Amazon, but it only took a few days, or a week at most, to get here. However, I’ve only managed to get halfway through that book, as well as all the other books I have that are written for partners. I always end up getting so triggered, b/c I get to parts that talk about thresholds the addict should be crossing, which my h has never crossed. There are parts that talk about things h should be doing to help me in my own healing, that h has never bothered to do. Even though I did ask, multiple times over. At some point, I stopped asking and simply gave up on him ever doing those things.

So yes, there are a lot of books out there for partners to read. Some are written for the partner; some are written for the addict. I think it helps when an addict also reads books that are written for partners; and when a partner also reads books that are written for addicts. My h was never interested in reading not only what I wrote, but also, what had been written in book form for partners. He did not want to know about my pain; he did not want to deal with any of that. So I had to learn how to deal with all that on my own. I applaud those addicts who have gained enough empathy for their partners and have been able to offer support and comfort to their partners on their own journey. It ends up helping your relationship heal too in the process.

[SoSick]

Does anyone have any recommendations for books that don't support the notion that P is ok/the SO has blame? I want to read books about this, and methods to help deal, but I don't want to hear "P is fine blah blah" or "The SO should be more adventurous/something stupid" blah blah. I reject that notion and can't believe the advice will ever help if it comes from someone who thinks that. Harsh maybe, but I won't change that opinion.

[TooSensitive]

SS, there are many books out there written esp. for partners. The one that most comes to mind for me is, "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". This book in particular uses the "trauma" model, which does not place any blame on the partner, vs. the "co-addict/co-dependent" model that most if not all the other books use, which places at least part of the blame upon the partner. I myself refuse to take any blame for my h's behavior that began decades before I even knew he existed.

If you search books on Amazon using the word "sex addiction" or "porn addiction" or "partners of sex addicts", many books will come up. You may find others there that sound appealing to you. None of them condones p at all; in fact, they liken p use to infidelity. Books on surviving infidelity are also good, b/c even if our h's did not have an actual "physical affair", we still have the same feelings as if they had. We still feel as if they had been unfaithful - and that's b/c they were, even if they weren't in the "traditional" sense.

[fragileego]

What I have found on the internet is a frustrating number of articles or discussions about how SO's who oppose their partner's P use are "insecure, controlling bitches." No joke. More likely than not, they were penned by men who need to justify their behavior to themselves (Note: I realize women can be PA too, but the majority are men).

When I first delved into this lovely topic to figure out whether I was overreacting, this lack of information online made me feel even crazier.

[Loving Wife]

A few books I founds: Wired for intimacy how pornography hijacks the male brain by William m. Struthers & The porn trap by Wendy and Larry Maltz. I liked the porn trap the most. It has a section called "partners in pain" the I highlighted the h*ll out of.