My SO appears to be so annoyed lately.

[SeekingFreedom27]

Hey

I'm a recovering addict, but I hope some of you would be kind of to give me your input on how you solved similar type of issues like the ones i describe below with your partner.

During my history of recent relapses (before 2 weeks ago), I feel that me and my gf is connecting on a deeper level again. But the problem here is that at least once or twice a week when we're on skype she seems annoyed by something. When I was under the influence of P, she seemed to be thousand times more annoyed at me. We would constantly fight, have discussions and no matter what i said she would be angry at me. I find that our arguments triggers my urges to some extent.

I have a few long term relationship in my registry, but It seems like after 1-2 years there seems to be more irritable moments in the relationship. It's almost as if the honeymoon stage is about to pass. They always seem to be annoyed by something after that time, I told her several times that i won't put up with her being annoyed at me anymore and that she better accept me for who I am. She said that she kind of understand why a friend's mother never wants to live with her new boyfriend, because "if being together too much we will just see each others annoying sides more". I see that a couple don't need to spend 24/7 together, which is rarely the case as both are having separate lives with work, studies, socializing etc.

How can I calm her down and make her stop starting unreasonable arguments? One of the things couples do to ruin their relationship is to have arguments. But having that said, we went from having them several times a week to mostly once a week now.

She often complained that i don't listen to her, we don't have "normal" conversations anymore and that I have been acting distant.

At some point we connect more when I'm off the P, but have you guys encountered any of the same things? and how did you possibly solve them?

I love my girlfriend, not P.

[TooSensitive]

It takes a very long time for a partner to work through all her emotions in the aftermath of our discovery. It is a rollercoaster ride. She will struggle with agitation, annoyance, anger, frustration, resentment, and so much more for awhile. Accept that this is but one of many consequences you will have to deal with from your end. Trust me, she doesn’t like feeling like that any more than you like being on the receiving end.

She is probably worried about what you might really be up to, since you are apart. Her trust in you has been shattered and broken. It takes a long, long time for this to be restored. And it will probably never again be to the level it once was. In other words, your g/f will never again “blindly” trust you. No matter how trustworthy you prove yourself to be to her, there will always be times when she is questioning you somewhere in her mind. So this is something you will just have to learn to accept. The innocence of your relationship is now gone.

Arguments can be good and sometimes necessary. Problems begin when there aren’t arguments yet should be. I guess it’s best if each person can learn how to express their anger in healthy ways and openly communicate, before an actual argument gets out of hand.

The best thing you can do is ask your g/f why she is feeling the way she is. Is she worried that you are still a/o? That worry never entirely goes away, no matter how good things become between you. Encourage your g/f to talk about her feelings, her thoughts, her emotions, and what’s going on in her head. It’s not as if the moment you stop viewing p, all is well. It takes a few years for us to learn how to manage our emotions well. And even then, they can come creeping back in, depending on what’s going on. You’d be surprised how we can go along, doing well, and then all of a sudden, something comes along that triggers us back again.

Encourage your g/f to talk, and really listen to her talk. You can’t take away her emotions; you can’t “fix” them nor stop them. But the more she talks and the more you listen, the more she will feel heard, and the easier some things will become. But you will also have to learn to feel empathy for her. Put yourself in her shoes and do your best to understand why she might be feeling the way she does. Start proving to her that you are trustworthy, by being totally honest with her. And if you are, then eventually, she will start to come around again. Just realize that for a long time, we do not feel safe, and that lack of safety comes out in all sorts of negative emotions.

You’d probably do best not to try to calm her down, and instead, let her vent her anger. The more she gets it out, the less she will find she feels it. Unless, of course, you are still doing things to warrant her getting angry. Burying it will do neither one of you any good. Pretending it doesn’t exist will do neither one of you any good. You will have to let her feel it and express it, before she will be able to release it. As time goes on, and healing starts to take place, her emotions will not be as intense as they are right now. She will learn how to manage them; and you will learn how to manage yours too. Yes, I know her negative emotions can be a stressor for you; but learn how to manage your emotions that happen as a result of her emotions; we all have to learn how to avoid allowing other people to dictate our own emotions. It takes time. A lot of time. And patience. Do your best not to use her negative emotions as an excuse to a/o. B/c you will just keep ending up right back in the same place again.

If she asks you any questions, answer them as honestly as you can. If she isn’t asking you any questions, volunteer information to her regardless. Let her know at least in a general way how things are going for you in your recovery. If you’re struggling, tell her you’re struggling. If you’re doing well, let her know that too. Tell her as much as she wants to know – not as little as you want her to know.

[SeekingFreedom27]

Thank you so much. I have educated her about my addiction, and she is aware of everything. trust have never been the biggest issue as I have been honest with her all the time.

I know what you are talking about. When I was having my only in weekends adjustment of this compulsion/addiction our relationship was swinging much more mood wise. I did start to become more empathic with her, the main issue here is that she had the tendency of blowing me off when i came with positive reinforcements etc. Of course our SO have all the right to be frustrated, when we as addicts are in our P fog the world revolves more around us. When I'm out of porn, I feel that I'm more in love with her than i thought i was.

I think there is a difference between ending a honeymoon stage, and ending love. If we fall out of love all together then the relationship stands close to no chance. But if we end honeymoon stage we still have a great deal of love and respect for our SO, but the "teenager in love" feelings are just calming more down. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence syndrome is unfortunately a more common thing than one would like to think these days. Based on past experiences, the grass might seem greener because of the temptations. But in real life we will wind up going back to "square one" at one point or another. I love my woman, and I'm getting my act together.

Even If watching P is a kind of cheating, I'm happy that It didn't make me have affairs with real life women on the side. But thank goodness I kept myself from social appearances where I could have the offer to do so. When we are in our P fog the rational part of ourselves is close to non existent.

I have started to care about her day, listen to her more. If there is a moment when I'm unable to give her the full attention, I encourage us to continue on a discussion later when I'm able to give her full attention. Or if an argument appears, I normally take 5-10 minutes to breathe so i can rationalize and have a grown up discussion.

[TooSensitive]

There were moments when I felt I literally HATED my h. All I felt was disgust, repulsion, contempt. All I wanted was to get away from him. That’s how intense my feelings were at times. It made me think I was perhaps at a point of no return and that I could never go back with him. Yet here we are, still together.

So yes, there were times when I felt we had both totally fallen out of love with one another. Yet somehow, the love has never left. It only felt like it had at times. When your g/f sees improvement and changes in you on a consistent basis, she will most likely come back around. There are ways of falling back in love again. Non-s*xual touching and affection and being attentive. Listening so that she really feels heard. If you are sharing back with her, she won’t feel you are distant. If you are really listening to her, then she will feel heard and validated. She will no longer complain that she doesn’t feel you are listening to her, except when that is what she is really feeling.

When there is a true commitment between the two of you, your relationship will survive the tough times, even those times when it feels as if you’ve fallen out of love with one another.

It sounds like you are doing many of the right things. If that is really the case, then eventually she will probably come around. You’ll just need to give her time. If you’ve been honest with her all along, great. But the fact remains that p’ing erodes and even breaks trust. It will take time for that trust to be rebuilt.

It does feel like real cheating to us. We still experience all of those same emotions, as if you had had a real affair. So maybe if you can imagine what she would be going through if you had confessed to her that you had been having a real live affair, and liken this experience to that one. If you had had a real live affair, wouldn’t you expect her to feel angry and annoyed at times? It is the same thing with this. We go through all of those same emotions in the aftermath.

I look at relationships trying to survive this (or anything, for that matter) like this: If it is meant to be, then your relationship will still be there in the future. If it is not meant to be, then it won’t. Some couples have such a strong sense of commitment that even after a phase of feeling as if there is no love left, they find that in reality the love was never gone. Maybe it was gone momentarily, but if it is meant to be, it always comes back.

Is she doing anything to heal herself? That will help her on her own journey through this. Like coming here, reading books, therapy, support group meetings, on-line workshops. All of those things will help her learn how to manage her own emotions, so that eventually, they are not as intense as they are at the beginning. Our anger and annoyance lessens over time, if we are working on healing ourselves too.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

TooSensitive
As a PA, I just want to say thank you for your words here on this post. Your word are such an Encouragement to me, as I know will be for many other PA's if they read it.
This was from your heart, and very well taken by me. Thank you again.
Your words hit home to me, more than anyone can know

[JenMac]

When your g/f sees improvement and changes in you on a consistent basis, she will most likely come back around. There are ways of falling back in love again. Non-s*xual touching and affection and being attentive. Listening so that she really feels heard. If you are sharing back with her, she won’t feel you are distant. If you are really listening to her, then she will feel heard and validated. She will no longer complain that she doesn’t feel you are listening to her, except when that is what she is really feeling.

Well said TS! Well said!
This is exactly what I believe too! I was posting some of these exact things to someone today.
I really do believe that a relationship can be rebuilt but it takes 2, 2 who are willing and who want to see the relationship survive. 2 who know that it is worth the fight and who can get through those difficult times in order to move on to a better place. If 1 is not ready, the other can still show their willingness by being there, by showing they care, by setting the stage. Sometimes it can bring the other along to a more receptive place and then the true healing can begin.
SeekingFreedom, it seems you are doing a lot of the right things! If you continue in this manner I hope that your gf will see your committment. It can happen, it has happened! I hope it will happen for you too. Just remember that patience, openness and a willingness to let your gf express herself is so necessary during this time. You can perhaps never fully understand what she is experiencing but by being there for her and listening to what she is experiencing, you can begin to gain some knowledge in that respect. And that can be a very important part of your recovery.
You are doing a great thing by seeking support for your addiction SF! I always admire that about the PAs here.
Wishing you all the best in both your recovery and your relationship! The journey can be so worth it!
Jenn

[SeekingFreedom27]

Things are going much better between us now. She didn't experience much of the direct viewing of P or when i was in my worst moments. But she suffered from the side effects this addiction causes me, and that didn't make me a very good person.

When I don't love myself, I can't love other people properly either. I believe that when we are in harmony with ourselves, we project more positive energies. When we are in that famous P fog, we tend to not value things in life that matters.

We show each other mutual love and respect, we listen to each other etc now so I have a positive gut feeling that things are going to be alright.