Paranoid Thinking

[Broken Spirit]

I am just wondering how SOs cope with the paranoia that comes following the discovery of the P and the lies that were told to keep it all a secret? I am about to explode with the wild thoughts that I constantly have because of the lack of trust that I have for him. Please help me deal with this. It is literally making me sick. I cannot stand the person I have become. :( Will it ever get better?

[FoolishMind]

Hello Broken Spirit, sadly when your trust is broken multiple times, it is not something that can be repaired hastily. So naturally paranoia will be there for some time. How long?, well there is no fixed answer, but of course a significant factor is how quickly your partner has acknowledged his addiction, and how quickly, and honestly he is putting the wheels in motion to his own personal recovery. Your trust and healing is very much dependent on Him sorting out HIS problem.

It CAN get better and WILL get better if you both support each other and communicate effectively and honestly to combat this addiction.

All the best
FM

[Broken Spirit]

Thank you for your reply, FM.

My husband hasn't admitted that it is an addiction even though he was viewing every week or so, from what he tells me, since before we met in 2001. He, also, doesn't consider it cheating to view P. He did say that he will not look at anymore of it after I confronted him and he saw how badly I was hurt. I just don't see how he can expect me to believe him. =((

I am presently looking for counseling. He told me that he would go to marriage counseling with me, but I think I need some alone time with a therapist to deal with all of this pain.

I have sent him the link to this forum. Maybe one day he will find it of use to help him help himself. I can only pray that he will. In the meantime, I can't deal with this alone. I am thankful that I found TTF.

[Charly22]

The paranoia will take your thoughts to some wild places. Just the fact that you were able to acknowledge that is something to ponder. Only your husband is going to be able to come together with you to offer you reassurance. But I know that doesn't help with the right here, right now, thoughts are racing dilema.

Just keep coming here, expressing yourself, and letting your feelings out. Don't bottle it up, it festers and gets worse if you keep it inside and try to suppress it. There are ways that you need to deal with communicating with your husband, but you can come here and express your thoughts and feelings and be better equipped when that time comes.

And do things that are for YOU. Yeah, your gonna have times with the thoughts and feelings are consuming you. But you don't have to let it be all consuming. You can throw some things in there that will bring you balance. Take time for you, the little things that you enjoy, be good to yourself, indulge in some retail therapy, take a bubble bath, distract yourself even if just for a bit. Exercise. Knit. Don't allow yourself to stay stuck when it starts. Don't beat yourself up for it either. Take care of you!

[Broken Spirit]

Thank you, Charly.

I am very fearful about what is going on. I don't like the places that my mind takes me. I have been deep in the pit of depression before and it took me quite awhile to crawl out. I definitely do not want to go back.

Today was a really bad day for the thoughts. I tried to call him three times and when I finally got in touch with him, he said he didn't feel his phone vibrate. Three times? We live a distance away from his work place so I envisioned him doing everything but working when I called.

I hate this helpless, hopeless feeling. I have been shaken to the core of my soul.

[JenMac]

Hello Broken Spirit!
I am sorry you are experiencing these feelings right now. I know only too well how our minds can take us where we don't want to go. It really is a difficult situation!
I have never experienced depression but I too felt like I was going there in the beginning. I remember feeling like I should be careful not to succumb to that.
You have gotten some good advice here. I like that you are seeking out counselling for yourself at this time. I went to counselling for myself but in all honest, I found TTF to be much more helpful to me through this upheaval in my life. The people here knew what I was experiencing first hand and they never downplayed my feelings as I am afraid I felt with my counsellor.
I come from an Alanon background Broken Spirit, and so I knew that there was no way for me to control my H's actions. Of course it didn't stop my mind from going to those awful places but it did enable me to conciously turn my thoughts to more healthy thinking a little quicker I think.
Set you boundaries, decide what it is you need from your H to show you his committment to recovery. Express yourself and say what it is you need from him at this time. Tell him how you are feeling.
It is a process BS. There will be so much for you to get through together. I am always amazed that after 10 plus months we still have so much we need to deal with. We have come a long way but it was a continuous effort on both of our parts.
Keep coming here to get the support you are seeking BS!
Take care of yourself as best you can at this time. Nurture yourself!
Wishing you well....
Jenn

[HopefulsRock]

Hello Broken Spirit,

My SO can certainly relate to your feelings of mistrust and paranoia because it took her several months to get me to join TTF. She discovered my secret addiction back in March of 2010 and it was one tough life changing event for both of us but mainly it was hard on her! I haven't had any problem with sobriety from this addiction but changing my ways and truly realizing the harm I did has taken all of the 10 plus months and I'm still learning. My wife (Hopeful) used to send me emails of articles that she thought would interest me or grab my attention in hopes to get me to join and eventually it worked... almost 4 months later, sadly. Do not give up hope or your "Spirit" because you are what will get him out of his denial. It was a breakdown moment when I finally realized I was in denial and an addict but so liberating afterwords... I truly have a new clearer life free from the consuming world of P & MB and I absolutely LOVE my new found world!!!

Stay strong!!!

[rosie]

It's not paranoia when they're really out to get you.

Not trusting him is not paranoia. But, it is diverting all of your attention on to him.

By obsessing over every detail we are using so much energy on 'possibilities', so if anything, it's pointless. You can't control what he does or does not do in the future, and the whole point of obsessively trying to think about what he might be up to or might be doing is so that we feel in control of it all - which is a false illusion. WE AREN'T in control of it.

All we can do is work on ourselves and focus our energy back onto loving ourselves. Why waste so much energy thinking about what he is doing? I know its natural, but it is self-sabotaging for you.

I had to accept that I might never know the truth - and I had to be okay with that. Because looking for the validation from him is futile because its possible you will never get what you want.

Take care of you.

[Daniel]

It was a breakdown moment when I finally realized I was in denial and an addict but so liberating afterwords... I truly have a new clearer life free from the consuming world of P & MB and I absolutely LOVE my new found world!!!

Broken Spirit,

I wanted to comment on Hopefuls Rock's observation about being broken...

It seems clear that the discovery has had a massive impact on you in ways he will have a difficult time understanding even when he does try.. While he agrees to work the issue. All of this tells me, based on what you've said, that he is not Broken.

My SO used to tell me that some people (she had heard in a sermon) must really crash into the bottom before they realize there's a problem. Sadly, this was me.

But happily, like Hopefuls Rock, we are in a brand new P-free world, helped to get here by SOs who didn't give up.

However, I would not advise staying in a relationship where you've clearly communicated how his using makes you feel (in a letter is the best reported way here), and he continues to use and disregards the consequences.

If that is the situation, or you simply do not know where he is and he's not talking, then you focus on you, with the understanding that the relationship of course takes a serious hit with so much distrust.

This aspect and many other "little realizations", along with your letter, along with the counseling he receives, will hopefully wake him up.

See the Click Factor post as it seems to apply here.

All the Best to You and the SOs here can give you some awesome and critical support in this time of your need,

Daniel

[Charly22]

Not trusting him is not paranoia. But, it is diverting all of your attention on to him.

By obsessing over every detail we are using so much energy on 'possibilities', so if anything, it's pointless. You can't control what he does or does not do in the future, and the whole point of obsessively trying to think about what he might be up to or might be doing is so that we feel in control of it all - which is a false illusion. WE AREN'T in control of it.

All we can do is work on ourselves and focus our energy back onto loving ourselves. Why waste so much energy thinking about what he is doing? I know its natural, but it is self-sabotaging for you.

I had to accept that I might never know the truth - and I had to be okay with that. Because looking for the validation from him is futile because its possible you will never get what you want.

That's some cold hard truth right there!

Self sabotaging