Paranoid Thinking

[Broken Spirit]

RUN, it has been almost year since I discovered my husband's lies. I still have trust issues and don't look for the trust to come back for a long time. :-< He has finally accepted that it is his fault I don't trust him though. That was a big step considering he doesn't consider his looking at porn throughout our marriage as an addiction. I am glad that your husband is showing outward signs in changing his behavior.

Rosie, I feel the intimacy that I thought we shared upon our marriage was true. Now that I know it was a lie, I am wondering if I will ever find intimacy with my husband. I have to admit that I cannot be open with him any longer because of the lack of trust in our relationship. Is that detachment?:-??

We haven't talked in a while about this issue. I am just going through each day as it comes. I guess it is time to have another sit-down discussion with him about my feelings. I am still working on my "letter" to him. It is so painful to write.=((

[Randomusername]

I feel that I am responsible in part for the emotional distance that we had/have. It is my natural response to being hurt in the past. Now, I couLd not tell you for sure though if it was directly related to p or not. My intuition says yes, but I have nothing to back it up and I hate to place even more blame on my husband. I have to own up to my flaws if I expect him to own up to his. My h totally understands why I don't trust him and why I am not 100% percent sure that it didn't go further than I know. He totally understands and acknowledges his fault in that. So that is a plus. Also, our son and I are once again his main priority-so that feels nice. As far as "marrying my father" while my husband and father are not exactly opposites, they are not very alike at all. And I say that having an excellent relationship with my father. Intact this issue is one thin that would NEVER be an issue for someone like my father-though I am aware that he is not perfect. On the other hand I'm pretty much the opposite to his mother- which may play a part in why I was so detached as well. He never had a very nurturing or stable home environment which caused him issues and he looks to me for that. Maybe trying to be that rock for each and every thing that a parent should have been for a child made me mOre stone-like. I didn't want that role, but sometimes I feel as though he forces me into it. I have to tell him that I am not his mother sometimes. I didn't mean for this to be a rant and I don't want to sOund incestuous but I'm just thinking outloud.

My husband is q wonderful man and I think over a month p free now.

[Broken Spirit]

It seems my husband doesn't want to talk about this issue because he is not an addict.:-<No matter that he checks out to be with all the "tests" I have answered about him online. No wonder that we have emotional distance between us and intimacy cannot be found. I just keep my feelings buried until something triggers me and then I explode.

Congratulations for you that your husband admits and is now P-free for a whole month.bnana_dance

[HopefulsRock]

Broken Spirit...

I guess it is time to have another sit-down discussion with him about my feelings. I am still working on my "letter" to him. It is so painful to write.

I'll say it's time... time he know exactly how broken your spirit is! You can't bury your feelings and expect him to know just how your feeling. I know it's so very painful to talk about and confront your husband about such a sensitive subject but it has to be done for recovery to begin and you to get over this trauma and heal. Sad but we are just simple guys and don't have the intuition and abilities that you woman have and sometimes we have to be beat over the head with the obvious! ...I'm not trying to stick up for him, in fact just the opposite - Let him have it!

[Broken Spirit]

Rock, believe you me that I have let him have it twice during this past year when my heart couldn't take any more stuffing it down inside. I think that he thinks that everything has been handled now since the confrontation because, in his words, "he is not an addict". I see too many signs and traits in my husband that the PAs have described here to believe that he doesn't/didn't have a problem. I know that I can't change him though. I can only work on myself to heal.

When I finally get through with my letter and he is able to read it, he will be very surprised to discover how much I know about his dirty little secret...

[betrayed family]

Broken Spirit,
Hi... I hope you don't mind me posting here...
I have been where you are.... I am where you are....see the signs, know the withdrawl, feel the distance....
Write that letter......do NOT edit or understate ANY FEELING... let YOUR REALITY flow!!
I have written a letter in the past... I spent hours writing and then EDITED IT!! I have always censored myself in the past..... afraid to upset Mell with the depths of my FEARS, PAIN ,ANGER.... afraid that it would push him to P!! I now wish that I had NEVER CENSORED myself....
I am to the point where I can NO LONGER hide anything.... I CAN'T PUSH 1 MORE THING DOWN!!! The INTERNAL PAIN that I put MYSELF through because of this ADDICTION is unweighable... unmeasurable!!! WHY did I do this?? FEAR... that my feelings and needs would push MELL to the next binge..
I implore you not to make this same choice... be honest and uncensored... express YOUR deepest feelings.... EXPRESS and PROTECT YOU!!!
I am thinking of you.
Betrayedfamily

[HopefulsRock]

Broken Spirit it certainly sounds like you have a lot of confidence and strength to go forward and recover from this hurt he has put you through and I'm betting your intuition about your husband is accurate. I like seeing So's like you and BF get their strength back and be able to stand up to your fears and face this monster of a problem head on!