question about recovery for couples and communication

[Jenny]

I was wondering if anyone would be able to help me with this issue. My husband and I don't seem to talk. It was bad when he was "using" but now that he has stopped, it has become worse. We talk more to strangers than than to each other. He just does not talk. And when I talk, he has a look on his face like I am scratching my nails across a chalkboard.
I told him that I needed more communication from him to help build our intimacy. That I needed to talk to help learn about him and learn to trust him. But it hasn't changed.
We are now sleeping in seperate bedrooms and when the children are asleep, we hang out in seperate rooms.
Is it possible to recover as a couple if he does not want to talk? Do I have to wait for him to be ready to talk? Or are we heading down the wrong path here?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am not only lost, I'm lonely.

[JenMac]

Hi Jenny!
Communication is the most important part of reconnecting with your partner. Recovery in the relationship cannot happen without it, in my mind.
Have you tried writing your H a letter explaining how you feel and what you are experiencing? That might be a good place to start.
I did that early on in our recovery and it had a huge impact on my H.
Wondering if you have tried counselling?
Sorry for all you are experiencing Jenny! It must be so hard to feel so alone! I hope by getting your thoughts out here, you will feel less alone!
Take care of you Jenny! That is the most important thing right now!
Thinking of you...
Jenn

[veevee]

My spouse is not talking to me either. He communicated well the first 3 days after telling me but now he is not talking to me at all. It almost feels as if he is withholding communication because he is angry at me for not giving him his way. This has always been one of his favorite punishment/manipulation techniques. I would try writing the letter and see what his response is. Good luck

[Crisodian]

Jenny,
Communication is key to recovery for both partners, IMO. How the communication happens? That can be a challenge.

Jen & Veevee gave you some sound advice. Often times when someone is unable to openly communicate, they have found great success in sharing their feelings and needs through a written letter. Sometimes it breaks the ice to allow honest, open communication to start.

Find peace,
~C~

[Life-lies-trust]

Jenny,
Another idea is each of you write your thoughts in a journal that you share with each other to read. At least once a week. I have also used Recovery Couples A. website for ideas about communication.

We also used for a while a daily each of us required to open commutation where the other person listened and then repeated back what was said without any interruptions.

[Jenny]

Thank you for the help. I did write to him and tried to explain why I need more communication in our recovery and also what else I need from him right now. We did talk a little bit and it did help.
Its hard because my husband is not much of a talker in the first place, maybe that is what helped fuel his addicition? But also, it is so hard to first find time to talk and second start talking.
When I asked this question, I knew the answer, I was just hoping for a miracle solution even though I know there is no such thing, at least I still have hope!

[OpenEyes]

Hi Jenny,
I am a pa and wanted to offer my 2 cents here, and maybe a different perspective.

One thing I think you may recognize about most all PA's is that we are almost all isolationists. Emotionally we have withdrawn and have done so for many years. another contributing factor is the shame and guilt of pa. Also, emotionally most all PA's seem under developed. I have this take from reading quite a few journals here and from some of the books I have read.

With these things in mind, try to be a bit less close to your own situation and think it out logically how your hubby is reacting. This is just my interpretation and it may be well off the mark, but, think it out, if you choose to. He seems very withdrawn. Maybe it is his long time guilt coming out in an actual display now. You want to talk but, he can't bring himself to. Could it be he has no idea what he is feeling? Feelings seem almost foreign to most PA's as they are not used to feeling them. Add in good feelings, like relief that the addiction is out, guilt over it, love of you, shame at hurting you, pride in taking steps against an addiction, emotional immaturity, and you have an emotional mess. Could it be you wanting to talk of emotions is like asking someone to talk of a single person on a roller coaster? First he has to find that person, then try to see them, then get a good look. al the while it keeps moving and he keeps seeing other things and the motion.

In many ways this is how I was when I first was discovered and found out I was a pa. One thing is to know the problem, it is a whole other ball game to try to play it. Learn the rules, get the uniform and start performing. It will take practice and time.

A suggestion would be to get a book on relationships, emotional bridge building and look it over, then ask him to read it. Give him a realistic time limit to scan it, and read a section or two thoroughly. Then set a date for him to cover that section or two with you. You set the parameters, but you let him do some of the choosing. That builds a bit of trust. If he is like me, you will need to push him, but do not do it too hard. If you do so, especially if you do any pushing while showing anger, you may shut him down emotionally and the good of the exercise will disappear.

Another suggestion is spending time together, doing an activity without talking. Just be together. Do a stupid old board game. go for a walk, holding hands. Make it clear from the beginning that no discussions will happen during the activity. This builds his trust back in you. Sounds bad as heck that he has to build trust back in you, doesn't it? He is forging a whole new path of actually feeling emotions and how can he do it WITH you, if he is scared to? Open up and get hit with anger, hurt? No, thank you. Many PA's react this way, and the so's are left wondering why. Again, remember where he is coming from on an emotional level.

This is not easy for either side and I wish you two all the best. I hope my suggestions will help just a little.

[Jenny]

Open Eyes,
Wow, thank you for all the time you put into answering my question. I read this in the morning and have been pondering everything you have said. I also showed my husband and he appreciated what you said too.
You are right, I have not given him a safe place to come and talk to me. I do explode many times maybe the nerves are raw or maybe I need to learn to listen and relax a little. I think he is not the only one now learning to deal with emotions, I have been surviving the last 6 years by tucking in my feelings of pain and rejection and just on automatic. Even happy feelings were scary because it's hard to feel good and then be pushed down again. I think we may both be emotionally immature.
I also have been wrong and shared some things with my best friend which makes him scared to share with me. I need to learn to keep some things private no matter how much I need to talk about them, or maybe start seeing a private therapist and keep my friends out of it.
I have thought of the spending time with him and not talking. That seems wonderful. (I sometimes talk too much!). And as you may know, there has been a lot of time lost as a couple in the past few years.
I guess we are new to this game and need to relearn each other. And I guess that will take time. I have to learn to trust him and I think he needs to learn to trust me.
I hope you can tell that since my first post we have talked, and your letter has really opened up more conversation too. I also hope that he will soon join the TTF family and we can do some of our healing here.