Anyone feel a sense of freedom?

[veevee]

I am understanding pa causes the person to act very selfishly. Which my pa has had a serious problem with that our whole marriage. Everything and I mean everything was about what he wanted.The whole family shifted everything to give him what he wanted. I was one of the worst. I did it all and I enabled him by just giving in to keep the peace.

Well now that I know and now that he is out of the house, my heart is breaking and this is all very devasting BUT....

I have this sense of freedom, like I can do things that I have always wanted to do. That I can go in any direction i want. That I can make any mistake and own it and not be stepped on for making it. that I can take care of myself and not worry about pleasing him all the time.

I feel like I am finally from under his thumb and I can breath again and it feels good. this is such a strong and good feeling that I do nto want to be under his thumb ever again. I am at the point in my life where I would rather be alone forever than live like that ever again. I find that this feeling is pulling me in a direction of not wanting to work it out. not wanted to deal with the relapses(not so much with the actually pa but the mood swings, hurtful words, lies, manipulations and controlling behavior) I feel very guilty for feeling this way and wonder if the guilt is really that little codependant child rearing her head. Has anyone felt this way?

[rosie]

Yes, definitely!!! It is so liberating to make the choice and to realise just how oppressed you have been in a relationship.

Everything has always been about the PA so once you are free of it, it's like getting rid of an abusive bully in your life....even for SO's.

I think though that it's possible to do this WITH Your partner in recovery...(as seen by some success stories on this forum).

However;

I am at the point in my life where I would rather be alone forever than live like that ever again. I find that this feeling is pulling me in a direction of not wanting to work it out. not wanted to deal with the relapses(not so much with the actually pa but the mood swings, hurtful words, lies, manipulations and controlling behavior)

This is exactly how I felt which is why I asked mine for a divorce.
The thought of flying free and having the whole world at my feet without the constant upheaval and bullshit is the most amazing feeling in the world. I got past sadness about it, and just felt liberated and optimistic about the future.

I feel very guilty for feeling this way and wonder if the guilt is really that little codependant child rearing her head. Has anyone felt this way?

Oh, Vee. Sounds like you feel guilty when you look out for yourself and stand up for your rights - interesting to look at it this way. Did you grow up feeling like your rights were second to everyone elses? This could explain this feeling? And yes, I never felt like I had a right to put myself before everyone else. I now know that it is vital to do so in order to have health.

[transitionalgrace]

Vee,


I read your questions and thoughts and thought that I wrote the thread. I have come to enjoy the peacefulness of my home at night. I don't have to listen to him complain about the animals. I can go out when I want to. I have learned to enjoy the company of my friends again without feeling guilty. I play cards again. I am laughing a lot more now. Even my friends say that I appear happier than I have been in years. I am living up to my values and meaning in life. I eat the foods I want when I want. I am cooking more because I like different foods. My h ate only meat and potatoes. I am learning to trust my gut feelings again. I am seeking God more often and asking him for the guidance and wisdom while walking this journey. I am even listening to the music that I enjoy and watch the tv programs that I want to watch.

Here is how I have been neagatively impacted by this addiction. I have difficulty trusting people. One bitten, twice shy as the old song says.

I am becoming selfish with my time alone. I sometimes think that it is a defensive issue, but other times I just like the quiet time to reflect, meditate and get in touch with my feelings.

I don't trust any man right now. I see them all as pa/sa's. I see them as liars, manipulators and betrayers and that is not good at all. The thought of a relationship with a man makes me physically nauseated. That probably goes back to the lack of trust.

In summary, I too feel liberated and becoming more comfortable with being alone. It doesn't bother me at all. So thank you for letting me know that I am in good company.