Anyone dated then married a pa?

[Loving_FGL]

I was curious to know if anyone else dated and then married a pa. I was curious to know how things changed once you two got married. If you knew about the addiction before the marriage. Did the demeanor change after marriage? Did the addiction worsen after marriage? Etc. What was the experience like?

[LADYM325]

Yes, I unknowingly married a PA. To make a very long painful story short,DON"T. You end up spending long lonely sleepless nights once you discover his sneaking around after you go to sleep. They swear they won't do it again. Mine lied every 6 months for 10 years. We had no sex life because he couldn't function for MB to all the porn. Every time I tried to trust him he just lied again and again and again. We will be married 10 years in April. I just caught him on FB "liking" some girl in a bikini. The difference between the PA and now? Now, is a reality. He can connect with her personally. Do you see where I am going? Once they are addicted for so long,it's not enough and they start looking for other things,some dangerous. When I told his family and his dirty little secret was exposed a lot of people got hurt by it.He swears this time he will quit. We no longer have smart phones,the tv has locks on channels, and the laptop goes with me wherever I go. He always says he will do better but I can just about bet it won't last. So, no it will never get any better unless he CHOOSES you over it and means it. You can't cry,plead or beg.HE makes the CHOICE. Are you the most important?

[Jkat]

I am marrying a PA in 8 months (or at least that is the plan for now). We have been dating for 7 years, then he proposed, then I started planning our wedding (it is practically planned and a lot of money has gone into it) and THEN he admitted he was addicted to P. Surprise!

I am choosing to stay with him but if I had known about the P addiction I never would have said "yes" to his proposal. I would have MUCH preferred working it out first. I know I could and maybe should postpone or cancel the wedding but right now I am choosing to continue to move forward.

Good luck to you guys. I am very new to this and I hate that any of us are having to go through it. We don't deserve it.

[TooSensitive]

I did. We began dating Nov. 2006; got engaged Oct. 2007; Jan. 2008, in the middle of packing up his house b/c he was moving in with me, was when I first accidentally discovered the “evidence” on my own laptop. Against my better judgement, I allowed him to move in despite. I wasn’t as upset and devastated in the beginning, as I became as we went along. Things were really bad for awhile. The worst of it happened after he got into recovery, which he began Feb. 2009 (and has since stopped). For me, it was all the lies that happened once he was supposed to be working towards becoming a better person, that made him a worse person to me. I think it would have been easier for me to forgive his past indiscretions, had he worked harder to avoid the ongoing indiscretions. It wasn’t even so much those, but rather, the bigger issue for me was his lack of honesty that never seemed to cease, and his pretending to be doing the work involved with recovery. If he was doing the work, it seemed none of the lessons really taught him anything. I always had to find out everything on my own; it wasn’t in his nature to come to me and admit anything. Even when I saw him doing things with my own eyes, he could never admit to me what I’d just seen him do. Those times were always the biggest slaps in the face.

We spontaneously married in June 2010. I was really sick and needed his health insurance. Would I have married him eventually otherwise? Probably not until the time came, if it ever came, when he achieved a lot more recovery and made improvements in how he conducts himself within our relationship. I don’t believe he takes our marriage or me for granted any longer; but he also isn’t doing enough to improve things between us.

I don’t regret marrying him, b/c I just couldn’t do it any longer without the health insurance. My first priority back then was getting myself physically well. I knew my symptoms were a direct result of all the stress I had been going through due to him and his ongoing behavior. I felt allowing me to marry him just for the health insurance was the least he could do. He owed it to me. He even said we didn’t have to wear rings and we didn’t have to tell anyone. I told him that if we were going to do it, I wanted to go about it as right as I could manage. I told him that yes, I did want to tell people; and I did want us to wear rings. And so we did. It was almost like a step in the right direction of being “normal” in some way, as other couples seemed to be.

A couple of months prior to getting married, well before we even made the decision to carry through, there was a period of time when I was seeing some progress in him. It didn’t last long, and some of that progress has since fallen by the wayside. But remembering how it was there before, gives me hope that it can return again.

Right before we married and then again a couple of days after, I noticed him falling back into some of his bad habits. Namely interrupting me when I spoke, being more interested in what strangers had to say or were going through than what I was, and checking out other women on the street. He was so easily distracted, instead of being present in the moment with me. In the immediate time after we married, those things hurt far more than they ever did before. I have since settled in, noticed that he is trying to do the right things, and speak up when he doesn’t. Sometimes he needs reminding, or needs me to point out his behavior to him. Yes, it is his responsibility to act appropriately and to treat me right; but when he falls short, sometimes he doesn’t seem to recognize that, so if I am going to honor my own inner voice, it becomes up to me to say something. That doesn’t mean he won’t do it again in the future; but he is less likely to do so again in the immediate future. And by speaking up, I have at least cleared my mind and put whatever it is out there on the table. I ebb and flow between speaking up for myself (which is best) and not saying a word (b/c I get that frustrated at times, or am feeling shutdown with him on the whole).

We’ve had a lot of ups and downs. In some ways, things have improved in our relationship. Despite all that’s lacking, there is a strength between us that wasn’t there before. In other ways, nothing much has changed. I still don’t trust him; we still don’t communicate on a deep level. I don’t always feel he is honest with me. My latest thing with him has been the lack of accountability where money is concerned. I feel he is either stockpiling cash he thinks I’ve forgotten about to spend on I don’t know what; or he is spending it foolishly as he goes along. I don’t know if he is spending it on food, b/c that is another one of his addictions; or if he is spending it on porn-related activities; or if he is saving it up to buy me a Valentine’s gift. Or any combination of the above. If he comes home tonight with an ATM receipt, I know I am not going to be a happy camper. He knows our money is tight right now, he knows I still don’t trust him; not only should I not have to remind him to hold onto his cash, but also, he should be sharing with me what he spends his cash on.

So what has it been like? It’s funny, before we married, but after he moved in, we had an “in-house separation” that lasted for 3 months. My doing, b/c I had had it with him. He was allegedly in “recovery”, yet was still being very secretive with me, and was still a/o behind my back. He was told he was sleeping on the couch b/c I was taking the bed; he was not permitted to talk to me about anything that did not directly relate to the management of the household. If he wasn’t willing to tell me everything, then I didn’t want to hear anything at all. He was not permitted to come out with me in public. We were strictly roommates. That is when he seemed to hunker down and step up to the recovery plate. I think he learned some lessons, but not all of them stuck.

I’ve since learned that as good as we have become at getting through a household or family crisis that does not have anything to do with our own relationship per se, we are not so good at getting through a crisis that hits our marriage, nor things that come between us, such as his a/o, when it happens.

There is much more recovery work that needs to be done, but I’m not sure how much of that would be on himself, and how much of that would be on our relationship. At this point, it almost seems as though the two are intertwined. Recovery work on one would directly benefit the other.

If you are in a relationship with a PA and thinking of marriage, I would strongly recommend against it, even though I didn’t take my own advice. My suggestion would be to wait and see if he becomes, or at least shows a strong potential of becoming, the man you really want him to be. Give him a chance to change, and then give him a chance to show you the changes are sticking. I never went into our marriage thinking that marriage would somehow solve all our problems. I went into it very realistically. If things never become what I want them to be, I still have the option of getting out, and if need be, I would exercise that right. If all hope leaves me for an extended period of time and things become out-of-control again, then I might do just that. Some days they do still feel out-of-control, but then things settle down again, mostly due to the inner work I’ve done on myself. But I can’t keep being the one taking responsibility here. At some point, I will once again expect him to step up to the plate again.

[LADYM325]

Jkat,
Can I suggest that you DO work it out FIRST? It would be better to cut your losses now on the wedding than to get into it and wish you hadn't. If he isn't really willing to change now before the wedding, do you think after reading all the posts on here that your life will be any different than ours? Please, please think this through before you go into it HOPING he will change. Reread what you wrote, "if I had known about the P addiction I never would have said "yes" to his proposal." I think your heart is telling you one thing and your mind another. Trust your instincts and you'll be much happier for it. Better to be single and happy, than married and miserable.

TooSensitive,
All the lies, they never stop, do they? I went back and forth just as you are doing for 10 years and I kept his "secret" from his mom and brothers to avoid hurting them. After confronting him 3 weeks ago again, I was done. I called and told his mom everything. She was heartbroken and wished I had told her years ago. It wasn't enough for my husband that he hurt ME time and time again, but when he found out HIS family knew and how heartbroken they were, it made him genuinely sorry for the first time since we were married. He is in counseling and has started a Christian based 12 step program so we will see where it goes. I feel your pain and the back and forth with the lies gets old and it DOES destroy your health because of the constant stress. Best of luck to you, that was an excellent post.

[rosie]

Lady, I suggested the same thing to Jkat recently and I got a very rude/agressive pm from her partner about it....apparently the support we give is subject to his approval - which only made me think that he was trying to control the support Jkat received and what the outcome was regardless of his addiction. It also made me realise that some men just have NO idea how much this affects and destroys relationships.

I married a PA unknowingly, I knew he looked at P previously, but I didn't know he was an addict. I also didn't know that it was still going on when we got married as he promised me that it was under control and he would never do it again. Once we were married things got WORSE. He explains this as making himself a resolution that once he was married it would stop - and then feeling so much worse when he kept slipping down during our marriage.

On the honey moon he was horrible to me - P withdrawals. He wouldn't have sex, etc...

At high times of stress (Having a new child,etc) he went to P and completely withdrew from me, when I needed him the most. I was lonely, miserable and COMPLETELY unsupported. I NEVER thought that he would turn into "that guy", knowing how loving and sweet and caring he was in the beginning years.

I would NEVER knowingly marry someone who is not at least a year or two in SERIOUS recovery. Then again, after the hurt and turmoil I have experienced I actually doubt I would ever knowingly marry an addict of any kind.... when you're married to an addict, there are 3 people in the marriage. You might be a priority for the first years, but gradually your place is taken by P addiction - and you become priority #3.

[LADYM325]

Gosh Rosie,

You are my twin with almost the exact same situation. My H had a pay channel coming to the house before we married and I got him to cancel it because I don't approve of that garbage in my house. I did not know that he was an addict either or I NEVER would have married him. We had both been divorced previously for 10 years and neither of us had children, nor wanted any. Thank God for that! I couldn't begin to imagine bringing up a child with all the filth out there now.

I paid for the DREAM wedding I always wanted and we went to the POCONOS for our honeymoon. Immediately after I said "I DO" I had this sinking feeling in my stomach that I should never have married him. I didn't know why, just that something wasn't right. Too little, too late. Long story short, his step mother and dad caused a big stink at the wedding and half the guests left. He was so wrapped up in them that he totally forgot about ME. He was suppose to have reserved us a Hotel room so we didn't have to go back and spend our first night at the house. We were leaving for our honeymoon the next day. He did not. He said he didn't feel it was important.And it was prom night, and raining, and we are driving here and there looking for a place.I was tired and pissed because of our wedding being ruined and his lack of responsibilty. Oh yeah, did I mention? He had 1 thingto do at our weddding and that was to turn the video camera on. It was already set up. Guess what? It NEVER happened!

The honeymoon was worse. We had the heart shaped bed, indoor private pool, champagne tub,and sauna all in our suite. And he could have cared less. He was ticked off the whole week because he couldn't get back on his computer.Of course I did not know what was wrong with him at the time. So from Day 1, it slowly started to get worse.

You know, if I knew someone was an addict, of any kind, I would not marry them either. I pray that Jkat listens to us. She is in for a world of heartache. As for him controlling her now,and they aren't married, imagine after the fact.She needs to run NOW,and FAST.

I am at a crossroads now where I have to make a decision. If he does continue to get help and is totally committed to being clean, do I really want to spend the rest of my life always wondering "When and If" it's going to happen again?After all, an Addict is still an Addict. And I use to never give young 18 years old a second glance, until now. That is the age group my H likes, the college girls.I am 48. But now S*X is everywhere. On TV, the movies, billboards, next door, magazines, etc. And stupid me, thinking my H had quit because nothing showed up in the history, bought a new house near the main lake in our area last year. By the way, for those that aren't aware- there is a way that you can do anything on the computer and it will NEVER show up in the history. My H finally told me that as he was coming clean. Again, too little, too late.

I could write an entire novel on all the crap that happend and I was clueless for the longest time. I was 5 years in before I discovered him, not just looking, but MB to a girl online. Wake up Jkat!!!! It IS going to get worse for you. And If your PT is reading this, "DUDE, if you really love this woman, you need to get control of YOUR life now before you ruin HERS. These PA's on here will tell you the damage they have caused. It is not fair for you to destroy her life and disrespect her. God gave her to you to love and to cherish and for you to be loved and cherished. You can't have your porn ,and her, if she doesn't want it in her life. It doesn't work that way. And you may not realize what you are doing to her but a day will come when you wll regret your actions."

[TooSensitive]

[quote=LADYM325;53069]
I am at a crossroads now where I have to make a decision. If he does continue to get help and is totally committed to being clean, do I really want to spend the rest of my life always wondering "When and If" it's going to happen again?After all, an Addict is still an Addict. And I use to never give young 18 years old a second glance, until now.

I could write an entire novel on all the crap that happend and I was clueless for the longest time.quote]

Lady, I feel I too am at that crossroads far more than I should be. I often find myself asking that very same question. I never used to give any woman a second glance, unless I happened to like her shoes or her outfit. After my discovery, suddenly, ALL women were given a second glance. All women became a threat. My h had his favs and triggers, but it didn't take much for him to be set off by nearly any woman who was around. Currently, it's not so bad as it was in this respect, b/c I am detaching from them when they're around, and he is not reacting to them too often; but it still feels as though the threat is always there regardless. A hard way to live.

And I too feel the same way as you, as I assume all partners do, about being able to fill a book with all the crap we've been through. I just actually might do it one day for real! (I'm an aspiring writer)

On the days I feel good about myself, the threats don't feel so threatening. So that is what I work towards - feeling good about myself.

Inner peace and wellbeing to you all.

[Jkat]

Hi Ladies,

I really appreciate you guys sharing your stories. I know that all of our experiences but that most of us end up in the same place-heartbroken. I have been reading your comments everyday and I take your suggestions very seriously.

My fiance and I are in the VERY early stages of this whole process (aka- hell). I am taking one day at a time. He in no way controls me and he never has. He is working extremely hard in his recovery. We are both in individual therapy and couples therapy, we are reading books, he told him mom, and we are going to go to group support as well.

I am feeling many of the things that you guys have mentioned...looking at every woman as a threat, always wondering if he is lying, etc. I know that I could very well be back here in five years and be kicking myself for having been so naive BUT for today we are together and I am hoping that our relationship survives.

Rosie, I am sorry that my fiance sent you a rude message. I haven't read it so i can't comment further. I do think you are right. No man can ever understand how devastating this is to us. He thinks he understands but he can't.

[rosie]

Hi Jkat, actually I have resolved the issue with your partner in PM, the PM was not really nasty or spiteful...but I found it controlling, let me explain. We are on a recovery forum...you are going to get advice...SO's are going to support other SO's. We are going to share our stories. I guess it bugged me because it felt like the advice to you was moderated by him. As I pointed out, as an adult you are free to dismiss or accept advice on here...I am sure you're capable of doing this ;)

Also, no apology necessary!

I am glad to hear you are both working very hard on recovery.. this is fantastic. I wish you guys the best. x