Re: Questions To PAs From SOs

[TooSensitive]

I really, really, really like that section of the forum. As hard as it is to read some of the answers, we have to face the truth and feel and process all of our emotions surrounding that, before we can fully let go and move on. In many ways it helps to have the answers, b/c knowledge is power.

I have asked my h so many questions over the course of time that he has never bothered to answer, meeting me with silence, or at best, replying with, "Why do you need to know?", instead of just answering the question. He even said to me once, "Why can't you just let it go?", as if I had no right to know the answers. Forget about the fact that we were in a committed relationship and living under the same roof, among many other things, which did give me the right to know. He just never allowed me to exercise that right, try as I might. He chose to uphold his right to remain tightlipped instead.

I give credit to the members here who have been candid enough to provide their take on the questions, esp. if their SO is here too, knowing she may happen to read. I realize that if my h were to honestly answer, his answers may be different. I realize that not all things apply to all people. But still, in the absence of any answers from him, it does help to get answers from others as an alternative.

[rosie]

I agree...its not that busy in there. Might go post now :P Liven the place up! lol

[FoolishMind]

I agree it is a very good section, and I beleive it was created for exactly that reason. I know my wife had questions, that I found very difficult to answer point blank, so answering indirectly sometimes really works, and helps a lot others too, including PA's

So yes keep firing out those questions!

FM

[artguy34]

For Crisodian and I, answering questions, or posting in other peoples threads is a way for us to opening up discussions when we're at home. Sometimes it will be like "Hey did you read this at TTF?" and we'll get into a discussion. It helps because it's a way to talk about PA without having to "ask" direct questions.

At first it was very helpful to break the ice, because we were still at a learning stage for both of us in recovery. But what has made it easier is understanding that questions are about knowledge of this addiction. For one, I needed to learn about what Crisodian is going through as an SO, hurt/pain and everything associated with it so I can understand her side. She also learned more about what I was going through and the thoughts in my head.

This could only be accomplished by being open and honest. Though it was rough at times and sometimes heated, we worked through it by setting up guidelines.

For PA's it's hard to open up, because many of the things we did, we tried to hide. So when we can learn to trust our SO's and open up, we can really heal more effectively. Plus it helps our SO's to be able to talk to us about their feelings without making seem like an attack on a PA.

Just recently, Crisodian had to talk to me about an issue that was bothering her that had nothing to do with PA. But because of the guidelines we set up for dialogue, she was able to tell me without us getting in an arguement. I even disagreed with her about some points, but we both maintained that we didn't want an arguement. She said her point, I said mine, and then we had time to think about things. I saw her point of view and realized she had a valid point.

It goes to show that PA is not the only problem that needs to be worked on in a relationship. But working together in my PA recovery has allowed us to work together for other facets in our marriage that I think is very successful. And yes it starts with open, honest communication!

AG

[TooSensitive]

AG, the way the two of you went about it, and you being on board with being honest and open, seems to me to be the best way of going about recovery in a way that helps all. You did what you needed to do anyway for your recovery; and in the process, you helped Crisodian, as well as your relationship. During a time when so much needs to be done on an individual basis, you were doing that which helped foster a sense of "togetherness". You let her into your world; and she let you into hers. My h was always very resistant to that. For him, individual recovery meant that it was none of my business. He didn't want me to know what was going through his head. He didn't want me to know how deep his addiction ran, or how well or not well his recovery was going. So I hope the two of you know how lucky you are.

[artguy34]

AG, the way the two of you went about it, and you being on board with being honest and open, seems to me to be the best way of going about recovery in a way that helps all. You did what you needed to do anyway for your recovery; and in the process, you helped Crisodian, as well as your relationship. During a time when so much needs to be done on an individual basis, you were doing that which helped foster a sense of "togetherness". You let her into your world; and she let you into hers. My h was always very resistant to that. For him, individual recovery meant that it was none of my business. He didn't want me to know what was going through his head. He didn't want me to know how deep his addiction ran, or how well or not well his recovery was going. So I hope the two of you know how lucky you are.

Thanks TS, I really appreciate your kind words.

In truth, being open and honest, is the ONLY way to start recovery for an SO and PA in their relationship. Without it, you're only applying a bandaid to a deep wound. The main thing was, when I was confronted with the choice of either PA or Family, Crisodian had a set of guidelines. On the communication front, she expected

100% Honesty
100% Transparency
100% of the Time

This is no secret, this is merely the foundation of a good relationship. This is something that should have been commonplace for us. However, because of my habits, it wasn't.

Furthermore, just telling Crisodian that I was doing things for my recovery wasn't enough. Just posting on TTF wasn't enough. The communication and progress had to be made not only in what we discussed with each other, but in our actions as well. Mine in particular. And I stumbled during this journey, made mistakes and at times it seemed that our relationship was strained to the very limits of tolerance. However, we worked through it along with help from other members of TTF.

We worked together, as a team, as a family!

There is no I or ME in the word Team!

AG