Is it really best to know?

[rosie]

Was reading that 10 key thing tonight and it said that in SAA that you should not really disclose all to family without first debriefing in group.

To the SO's out there. Was it better for you to have full disclosure do you think?

I am starting to wonder if it was best not to know the full extent of the "actings out".

What do you guys think?

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

Before I always thought it was normal to have a few secrets cause it led mystery to marriage, but I found out that it leads to mistrust. Very few people know of my addiction outside my wife & myself. My parents have no idea or my siblings. Honesty is the way to go. If your SO wants full disclosure, I think it should be broken down over several small talks so the SO can have time to recover & get their thoughts together. Each talk can pick up where the other left off, it's like reading a book. Just be honest with each other & your feelings. Listen to what each other has to say, I mean REALLY LISTEN! Try not to get angry, I know its hard not to. These are my thoughts on the subject. It may work for some, but not for everyone. At least try to understand where your PA or SO is coming from & put yourself in their shoes.

[Charly22]

Friends and family, that's one thing....your trusted life partner, spouse, soul mate, that's another. I know that the things that hurt make you want to say "I wish I didn't know" so the hurt would go away. But, you would not want to go through life being fooled and decieved or have the wool pulled over your eyes, or feel like things got whitewashed. You cannot have a solid ground to stand on any other way.

If something was going on that shouldn't be...and you weren't aware of it.....wouldn't you want to to know? Don't you deserve to know the truth? Now, there are details that can be left alone I think....you know, to admit that "I acted out in this manner or that manner"....but for the addict to describe with adjectives and details only make it worse.

You deserve to know the truth Rosie. You cannot build a true new beginning, a solid one, without it.

[rosie]

I agree that we deserve to know. But what does it help? I think it helps the addict more than it helps the SO.

I know that I kept asking. I have an obsessive need to know everything. But it didn't do me any good. Had I known the scope of what he had done, that's probably one thing. So that I could get my head around how truly "hooked" and damaged he was...that would be helpful.

But to know...everything. In full detail. Is just, too much. All it does is hurt the SO.

Full disclosure is a huge step towards recovery for the PA. But I just feel that the SO gets left like a wounded bull while the PA goes off on his merry path to recovery.

Anyway...still not sure.

[NewHope10]

I'm with Charly on this one. I want to know everything. That way I can make an informed decision about what to do about it (from my end). I was kept in the dark far too long.

Besides - if he didn't tell me everything, then my mind would only conjur up things...likely worse things than he had done.

The things I found out and the things he told me hurt me anyway. So - why not come clean with everything (I say).

It was actually worse for me to find out things on my own. First it was the initial discovery. Then a week later I found out something else. Then a week after that - I found out something else. All on my own. This was excrutiating. It felt like every week I was dealing with a new discovery. And every week a new hurt. I would have rather been told everything up front so that I could just deal with it all then - and not in bits and pieces.

Thats just me.

[Crisodian]

I have to third Charly and NH here. It was important to know it all for me.

Making and informed decision, especially when in a marriage or long term relationship, regarding PA recovery is key to healing for the SO. By that, I simply mean, if my H had taken it physical, past the electronic T & A, I would have made different choices, for me and my recovery, my health and my children.

How could I make the choice to heal and move forward with him if ALL the secrets were not divulged? I couldn't. But that's me. Everyone is different.

This isn't just about the hurt and pain. It's about divulging all the secrets and lies. Clearing the air. Having an open, honest relationship. Without that, IMO, there can't be a foundation to build on.

It hurts. It sucks. It's a nasty, nasty wound. But, if we don't get to be bottom, understand the full scope of the addiction and where it took our PAs/SAs, to me it would be like scab that keeps getting picked at, over and over and over and never really healing. That helps no one.

I think the bottom line here is that each SO needs to decide for his or herself how much info they need to heal. If they need to hear it all, then the addict should reveal it all. If they don't want to know the depth, then they can choose that path as well.

I am definitely in the need to know everything camp.

Peace,
~C~

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I also think its best to know. I don't mean I need to know every detail about each session, but I need to know the highlights. Basically, if I have a question, I want an honest answer. Does it suck knowing some stuff, yes, but I want to know for the same reasons the other folks already posted.

Also, I need to know because my husband needs to say it. He has no idea what is normal and what is not (this is changing!), so if he doesn't say something, then he gets to hold on to that idea as "normal" then he doesn't have to be accountable, or change.

Example:
PA thought... "Sx with my partner is boring and its normal over time that I wouldn't get aroused with him/her. So, I will just fantasize about my beighbor. Its not P, its not breaking the "rules" and what she won't know won't hurt her."

SO thought... "WTF? I have sx with you and although we may have been doing it for 5, 10, 20 years and it may get routine, I am still having sx with YOU. Fantasizing is wrong and it is NOT normal to just stop being aroused by your partner. You get aroused by your hand, and you two have had a relationship for far longer than you and I have".

Make sense? :)

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

It makes sense to me WifeOfNewLifeMan. I would love to get this monkey off my back & have my life back in order. Me & my SO are in the middle of 30 days of no contact right now. I feel the need to be open & honest with her. I have to do this for myself & my peace of mind. I know it will be hurtful for her to hear it, but it will be helpful to us both. The Good Book says " the truth shall set us free" & thats what I'm praying for.

[Life-lies-trust]

I agree I needed to know all. I wanted details and this allowed me the pain of what my partner had done and gave me the information that I needed to feel safe with DG. It took MONTHS for DG to really admit to what he had been doing and to what extent this had in his life.

The problem with expecting the addict to talk to their partner is if the addict is in a 12 step recovery program, it is stated that the partner does not need to know anything and if there are slips the partner has NO need to know anything about it. A partner should only be told if there is a health issue. The addiction only applies to the addict and has not part of the relationship.

I think most SO's here would tell any addict that this is NOT going to help the relationship heal and grow. How can anything heal and grow when there is still lies that are being allowed into the relationship.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

LLT-

I still wonder what the heck kind of group your husband is in. My husband's Celebrate Recovery group followed the 12 steps, and they never encouraged secrecy or lies.