Is it really best to know?

[mell]

I have been in SA and SAA. The eighth and ninth step are:

8 Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all

9 Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

So...there is a lot of grey area in there. I believe disclosure is a necessary step, but the PA has to be ready for it. That said, it seems many interpret the 'except when to do so would injure them or others' as a way out of this.

I don't think the problem lies in the goups, instead it lies in the interpretation. If the PA finds a sponsor who has worked the steps and has lengthy sobriety, I can almost guarantee they would not agree with hiding anything. We can only progress by getting down to the core of our addiction, the 'how bad did it really get'.

Until disclosure, it is important to work the steps. I believe this will be evident in the addict's attitudes and actions.

Myself, I have not completely disclosed yet. It is something I am working towards and will get to, when I have worked through the prior steps. My wife knows this, and knows it is coming.

[debv]

My H's 12-step group is focused all around the PA too. The disclosure step just means he has to disclose to someone, it is not hooked in any way to the amends step. In other words, you don't have to disclose to the person you hurt, just to some other human being. Mine disclosed to our priest. He tells me I know everything, but I don't know. I still wonder and worry.

The amends step is also all about the PA. He badly botched his amends to me, he bought a gift for me but gave it to me for mother's day and didn't give me a separate mother's day gift, so I never knew he'd intended it as the amends step until months later when I asked if he had made it to the amends step. When I got upset and said he really hadn't made amends to me he emailed someone at the group, got a response that basically said that SOs have no business commenting on PAs' work on the steps, and he forwarded that to me. He also told me outright that the amends step is not intended for the person he's making amends to, it's intended for him, and as far as he's concerned he made all the amends to me that he needs to make.

So basically I was told that it's all about him, not about me, even though he was cheating on me with the P whores for years, and that I need to keep my nose out of his recovery. He's been sober more than a year, and I'm glad, but it still hurts that I'm cut off from his recovery.

[TooSensitive]

I agree Mell, it is all in the interpretation. My h used the one that allowed him a way out and a way to avoid the truth.

I was told it was coming too. It has been 2 years and I still haven't gotten it. Can you imagine how hard it is to live with that on a daily basis, being a partner on the outside? Can you imagine how hard it is to remain in the relationship? And not knowing everything has made it impossible to forgive not only that which I don't even yet know about, but also that which I do.

Deb, ditto all you wrote. Not knowing all I need to know continues to create struggles for me. It isn't b/c I am holding onto nor focusing on the past. It prevents me from knowing whether or not what happened in the past is still going on behind my back in the present. Honesty and bringing the addiction and all its behaviors out into the light seems to help take the power away from the addiction to begin with. Continuing to hide it just continues to make it easier for an addict to a/o, b/c he is keeping it in the dark, where it thrives and festers. If an addict learns how to be honest 100% of the time, the spotlight on his behavior is uncomfortable, he becomes even more aware of his behavior and how damaging it is to himself as well as his partner, and he begins to have less of a desire to a/o, and more of a desire to do the right thing. He doesn't even want to do those things which would give him a need to lie in the first place. Honesty makes him feel good; a/o and having to confess that doesn't. Honesty and accountability can become a deterrant to a/o. The truth is freeing and allows both the addict and his partner to begin to move on.

My head is about to explode again, so I must sign off for the day. Hope everyone has a great night.