"Triggers" ???

[Misty_77]

Ok, I understand what this term is referring to, but here are my questions:

1) Have most of you couples shared what the PA's triggers are? I've seen many posts about triggers, but I have yet to read anything about the PA's sharing/discussing their triggers with their SO's. I can guess the obvious triggers for most PA's, but I'm sure there are many triggers for my husband that I have no clue about.

2) Is this something I want/need to know, or is this something I'm better off not knowing?

3) Maybe if I know his triggers, I'll stress about those things and make things harder for both of us?

Of course, at this point, he's probably still learning what are triggers for him. It's not something he has shared with me and I'm not sure I should ask and find out.

I would really appreciate any advice on this- from the PA's AND the SO's. I don't want to make things worse...especially when we're in the very early stages of recovery.

(wow, I used the word "triggers" so much in this post, that the word actually sounds funny now. Maybe I need sleep...lol)

[FoolishMind]

Hey Misty,

Good Question! Firstly you are right in saying as a new PA, we generally have to understand and learn by being completely honest with ourselves to find out exactly what our triggers are. It is after understanding what these triggers are, that we can actually design a strategy to counter each and every trigger. Without doing this first, a PA will never have a bullet proof plan to counter this addiction, as triggers and temptations are around us on a daily basis no matter where we look.

I do beleive sharing with your partner is very important as it helped my wife understand me better. That said I did not have the courage in the early days to discuss these openly with her, and hence we sort of indirectly communicated through this forum. I would post about my weaknesses and what i found to be temptations in my daily routine, and how I would counter these. She would naturally read these posts and acknowledge them.

No matter what the topic is, Communication is always paramount!

FM

[NewHope10]

Hi Misty...

For me - I wanted to know my H's triggers. It took him a little while to find out what they were himself.

In SAA, they have this diagram of a circle - with 2 circles inside.

The outer circle layer is where my H wrote down "outer circle behaviour". Good and healthy behaviour, like praying, communicating, going to SAA meetings, being with family, Christmas - that kind of thing.

The circle in the middle is "middle circle behaviour" which are "triggers" such as isolation. Holding onto resentment. Feeling lonely. Not communicating. Feeling insecure. Justifying. Dishonesty. Hiding things. Rationalizing. Not letting go of anger. Among many other "triggers.

The circle in the middle is called "inner circle behaviour" which consists of "skating"...fantasy...looking at P (or even seeking it out)...MB (among other "acting out" actions)

Now...if my H is "in" the middle circle...he has 2 ways to go: (1) he could do the constructive and healthy things that he has written in the "outer circle" - and he will end up there. Where he should be. OR (2) if the middle circle behaviour is not dealt with, then he will slide (or even jump into) inner circle behaviour.

Does that make any sense? I hope I've explained this well enough.

The "triggers" for my H is all the middle circle behaviour. The inner circle is the escape from the middle circle feelings/thoughts. The outer circle is the healing.

Watching P (and/or all the "inner circle" behaviour) is the symptom of PAddiction. The PAddict's drug of choice. That is my understanding.

[mell]

Good thread, Misty.

For me there are obvious triggers; some movies, some tv shows, malls, loneliness, resentment, etc.

I have discussed some of my other triggers with my wife. Some of the things that aren't as obvious. Certain people that I am resentful of, situations that bother me, etc. These are the things that seem to come out of nowhere. Generally all of them lead to resentment or anger.

The middle circle behaviors are something that (IMO) every addict has to constantly work at to recognize them and come up with a plan to avoid them. Things like the five second rule (can't look at triggering things for more than 5 seconds).

I think recognition and sharing with our SO's is a pretty clear sign of where the addict is at in recovery. This comes with time and trust. It took me a while to feel safe about discussing some of my triggers with my wife.

[rosie]

I know my husbands triggers. Anything female looking. lol

There are outside triggers and personal triggers. Eg: Places will be triggering, eg: beach, fashion show, etc.

Then there are internal triggers...emotional upset...us fighting is really bad. But then there is boredom, anger, stress, loneliness, fatigue.

Didn't know anything about "middle" triggers...interesting.

I can tell he is triggered before he can. I wish he would focus on these things as a first priority.

[NewHope10]

Sorry...I meant to say in my post above that the lists described in it of outer, middle and inner circle behaviour are my H's descriptions. Not everyone will have the same "list" in each.

Not for anything...I just wanted to clarify that.

[Misty_77]

Thanks for all the replies! I guess by the time me and my hubby are through this '30 days of no communicating', maybe he will know more about what his triggers are and he can share them with me, so that I am more aware of his struggles on a daily basis.