Hey Ladies...how old were you when YOU first viewed P?

[veevee]

I was 8 years old....my older brother(10 years older than me)was 18 years old and decided that he wanted me to act out his fantasies...the very first molestation(if this is tmi, I am sorry just delete it) i remember was at age 8 when he showed me my first hard core porn mag and asked me what picture I liked best. the picture was played out..and porn became a secret that was brought out when he was with me alone...porn moves were also played out. I complied until I was 13 and started fighting back...after that porn was no longer played out...but I was never fully able to protect myself..I wasn't safe until he got married when I was 17.
Now, that my spouse has confessed to his pa, I feel like I have never been safe and that I have still unwittingly been playing out porn fantasies ..just with a different costar.(oh dear God, the anguish I just inflicted upon myself with that acknowlegement)

[BelieveInHope]

Oh VeeVee, I am so sorry. Welcome to the forum.
This makes me so angry at all the people who claim p is 'harmless', that it doesn't hurt anyone, that everyone has a right to this or that inside their own home. It's hogwash. P is like a disease that invades the heart, infecting it with a twisted, immoral desire with no boundaries and no respect for other human beings. S3x in a safe and good context, with boundaries, is like a cozy campfire that keeps you warm. The s3x of P, without boundaries or control, is like a forest fire ravaging everything in its path.
Are you in therapy? A good therapist can help you work through your trauma.
Also, talk to your H. Some PAs manage to keep their P fantasies out of the bedroom. S3x with their wife is something special and good, while the p feeds the dark part of themselves that is trying to numb emotions and avoid dealing with the real world. Each PA is different as to how the addiction manifests.
Of course, if he's already told you he has, then that is something you will both have to deal with, unfortunately. I understand the feeling of being victimized all over again. I am truly sorry. You will find a warm and caring community here that can help you through this journey to healing.

[TooSensitive]

VV, my heart does break for you, as I read your words. No one should ever have to go through what you went through, yet I know it does happen, and it has happened to you. BIH is right – a good therapist can help you work through the trauma of the experience, if you haven’t already tried that approach. I just know that when we do not work through our past and whatever our traumas have been, they just continue to come back and haunt us, in ways we sometimes don’t imagine. It will always get in the way of your life and your wellbeing, if you don’t address it. Take care of you, and do what you must to feel good about yourself in a healthy way.

You have been through such a horrible experience. I do hope you find healing for yourself and the support you will need along the way. You will find a lot of encouragement and wise words here. What do you think about journaling? I do a lot of that in private to vent and to get my thoughts out, and I also do a more condensed version of that here, so that others can get to know me, or when I want feedback. Between therapy, journaling, on-line support communities, and a support group out in the real world, I have been able to heal to some degree, and I have made some progress, though I am still what they call a “work-in-progress”, and I suppose in some ways, I always will be.