To So's From Pa's

[RootedinGod]

I have not been in the group that long but I do have some thoughts.

First it is 99.999 percent not your fault your SO is addicted.
They will make you feel like it is, our even blame you for many problems to justify their use.

And addict wants to use, but people close to us get in the way.
You ask questions and want to have answers. You want us to look at you and explain why things are as they are.
We do not want to be accountable so depending on the situation we lie or put it back on you that it's your fault.

I am not trying to simplify the pain you experience, as I know regardless of the why of the addict the pain for the SO's is real.

Here is a few of the lies that are said to defer you from looking at us.

1. I need my privacy.
2. If we had more sex.
3. Why do I have to explain myself.
4. Asking you were you have been ( asking the SO ).
5. You don't care about me.

Sounds Familiar ?


Lies we ( the addict tells them selves)

1. They don't care about me.
2. I feel alone.
3. I work really hard and all they do is complain.
4. I have needs and my SO just wants me to suffer.

These are realitys we create ourselves to justify using !

There are so many other things that I could post but these are the highlights.
The "its not you it's me" is very true.
What the addict needs to understand is its us not you !


I am sure this won't help the pain, but your life didn't make the addict addicted to sex or porn. You started off the relationship based on what you perceived was the truth, and the addict created the lies to bond the relationship with as apposed to the love and caring part. Is there hope? There is always hope, but knowing the truth is where mending begins.

Thats all I got.

RIG
( Paul)

[rosie]

Thanks RIG. My HB has not said any of those things to me...he just lied about it, while convincing me that he thought p/cheating/etc was disgusting and he even went as far as to label other men who did that as horrible husbands. He would get so angry at them! My mind boggles..

I think he lied because, he was ashamed, he didn't want to be accountable, but also because he didn't want to hurt me and screw up the relationship - I truly believe that. What are your thoughts on this? It was like he thought he could have us both. Separate. I believe he did want us both... but often-times the p/sa was more important to him/or more of a compulsion. He was never addicted to me.

I did notice that he would push me away when he wanted a p-/s fix, and I think he had to. I would also notice him convincing himself that I was the problem, when the fact was, that he was creating problems, I was reacting, and he was using my reaction to justify his prior behaviour - and on and on it went.
We established a rule once, that he would come to me for intimacy/sx BEFORE going to p/etc. And he complied, but I found him approaching me at VERY inconvenient times and it was like he was doing it on purpose so I would say no, which would then justify the p/acting out.

Interesting insights... I just can't relate. My HB didn't want sex with me, :( He wanted P/acting out instead. So, he never gave me the "you don't want it" line. Ever. I have also read about how sa's try to use their partner for too much sex. Never happened with me :(

[Hopeful]

1. I need my privacy.
2. If we had more sex.
3. Why do I have to explain myself.
4. Asking you were you have been ( asking the SO ).
5. You don't care about me.

Sounds Familiar ?


Lies we ( the addict tells them selves)

1. They don't care about me.
2. I feel alone.
3. I work really hard and all they do is complain.
4. I have needs and my SO just wants me to suffer.

These are realitys we create ourselves to justify using !

Thanks Paul. I have actually heard these from my H. Every one of them. In some strange sort of way it really has made me feel a little better to understand that they are common responses to cover up for themselves and not to purposely hurt us.

Great post!

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

I know for a fact that I've used those some of those excuses & thats what they are EXCUSES! Thanks RIG for eye opening post. It really hit home. Have a blessed day RIG.

[RootedinGod]

Thanks RIG.
I did notice that he would push me away when he wanted a p-/s fix, and I think he had to. I would also notice him convincing himself that I was the problem, when the fact was, that he was creating problems, I was reacting, and he was using my reaction to justify his prior behaviour - and on and on it went.

Rosie, Thank you for responding, I recall so many times trying to piss my SO off to justify the acts. Reading what you wrote rang loud. I am so appreciative other SO's like yourself post here. It truly helps us in the addiction to see the side of the ones we hurt.

[rosie]

Yay, I am useful to someone. LOL

Thanks for the post RIG. Please keep it up! You seem to know a lot about addiction and its a great thing :)

[Life-lies-trust]

RIG,
What you said makes a lot of sense. In my house I never hear any of them. DG just would not touch me. He because addicted to P at the age of about 8 and the addict used that mind set of compulsion as to acting out. There was not reasoning or justifying or trying to find a way. He just did it on impulse like 8 year old kids do at at times. He still need to control this but it gives another outlook on the addictive mind.