Trauma to SOs

[JenMac]

Understanding Trauma for Partners

Those on the receiving end of addiction are often left dealing with a sense of betrayal, hurt, and uncertainty. Addiction hits at the core of a woman’s relationship and often at the center of her soul. After learning of a partner’s addiction many women report that the relationship now feels false and empty. The partner of the addict is often left feeling vulnerable and disoriented. She will naturally ask, "Who can I trust? Who will be there for me now?" The betrayed spouse does not know where to turn and will often struggle alone. The partner’s identity, security and stability are destroyed. This type of trauma shatters the internal world of the spouse of an addict. All aspects of her life are affected. Her ability to function with employment, household duties, and parenting is disrupted. Her sense of herself is altered. Often her spirituality is impacted. The experience can fall into the category of trauma.
Response to trauma can vary widely, and may include any of the following:
Fear and/or anxiety
Outbursts of anger or rage
Sadness and/or depression
Hypervigilence (excessive alertness or watchfulness)
Irritability
Worrying or ruminating
Intrusive thoughts of the trauma
Tendency to isolate oneself
Difficulty concentrating or remembering
Feelings of panic or feeling out of control
Increased need to control everyday experiences (parenting, cleaning, dieting)
Difficulty trusting or feelings of betrayal
Feelings of self-blame or responsibility
Flooding of feelings and/or emotional numbness
Feelings of helplessness
Minimizing the experience
Feelings of detachment
Concern over burdening others with problems
Under- or overeating (weight loss or weight gain)
Shame
Shock and disbelief
Diminished interest in everyday activities
Withdraw
Preoccupation with body image
Partners are sometimes surprised that reactions to the trauma last longer than they expected. It may take months or even years to fully regain a sense of balance and equilibrium. Too often partners feel that they need to just "get over it" when in reality most partners need support to "get through it." Research indicates that one of the keys of successfully working through trauma is the level of support an individual has. Many women feel isolated and it can be said that often "when an addict comes out of the closet his partner goes in." Therefore it is important for the partner to find a safe place to talk about her experience..
Another tool to work through trauma is to focus on "self-care." Self-care involves finding helpful coping strategies that assist in nurturing oneself at a very difficult time of life. Some examples might include:
Connecting and talking with others, especially with those who share similar stressful experiences.
Allowing yourself to feel and express emotions such as anger, sadness, hurt, and fear, which are all common emotions at a time of crisis.
Engaging in physical movement and/or exercise to deal with the stresses of the trauma.
Participating in relaxation activities like yoga, meditation, stretching, or massage.
Seeking plenty of rest. Often sleep is disrupted and as much as possible it is important to maintain a normal sleep cycle.
Writing about the experience in order to begin the process of sorting through the details and emotions of the events.
Maintaining spiritual practices such as praying, meditating, and attending religious meetings or gatherings.
Taking relaxing baths or showers
Listening to calming and uplifting music.
Just like anyone who has been through a traumatic event it is important that you treat yourself with gentleness and patience. If possible, try not to make major life changes at this time, as thinking and judgment may not be as clear as usual. And again, seek support and information about addiction as this is a very difficult experience to navigate by oneself.



I found this article on another site and found it so absolutely right on that I knew I had to share with others!!

[Charly22]

It's all true. And it's all REAL !!! I felt so alone, and like everyone thought I was crazy when I started experiencing everything mentioned above. I supressed it all. My pain and concern and hurt and betrayal was never acknowledged, always minimized, always told I was making a big deal out of nothing. I let him convince me that he was right, and I supressed and supressed and supressed. I never had a healthy way to deal with it. I never talked to anyone about it. I felt embarrased to even need to. I felt like I should be able to be like everyone else, and see it as normal. Society, culture, the industry wants me to believe its normal. So, I tried to do just that.

The pain, being supressed, the forcing myself to believe that I was the one who was not normal, bore deep down into my body and manifested itself in ways I would have never imagine. It became very toxic for me.

Thanks for sharing this, so someone else can recognize and try to handle this in a more healthy manner.

[Misty_77]

That's very informative. I think I'll come back and read this, often. I love the advice at the bottom. I so need to use positive actions for my recovery. I do great some days, and then feel so depressed on other days. But hey...I'm a work in progress, right? So, yeah...I'm gonna read that last part every day! Thanks Jen!

[TooSensitive]

There is a very good book that addresses the "trauma model" vs. the "co-dependent model" as it relates to SA, called "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". You can buy it on Amazon in paperback. They are not saying that some people are not "co-dependent". They are just saying that it isn't fair to automatically label all partners as "co-dependent" and that therapists need to keep an open mind, b/c very often, a partner's experience is due to trauma and not necessarily co-addiction/co-dependence. I guess there are things to be said for both. All I know is that after reading "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes, I nearly threw it across the room, b/c I was not about to take half the blame for my h's behavior. In fact, I was not about to take any of the blame, and I still won't. And I didn't enable him, either; I was shutting down due to my wounds, which were a reaction to being traumatized. I had PTSD symptoms for several years as a result of his behavior. It's pretty bad when you nearly jump out of your own skin when your own cell phone is ringing. I also began to suffer from severe panic attacks, too, which I had never before experienced in my life. And painful physical symptoms too, among a whole host of other things. It took alot for me to stop constantly reliving many of the memories of what I had already seen and been through with him. I was in a constant state of anxiety, and it was a really hard place in which to exist. I spent entire days doing nothing but crying relentlessly. I am happy to report that I've managed to move past all that, but it took an awful lot of work on my part to do so. There was a point in time when I literally didn't think I would survive, in either the physical sense, or the mental/emotional sense. Since I have survived and now thrive in many ways (on my best days, anyway!), it reaffirms the strength I have within, that felt as though it was totally gone for a long time. As much as we have been traumatized, it is possible to move beyond that as we heal ourselves.

[Aloevera]

Understanding Trauma for Partners

Those on the receiving end of addiction are often left dealing with a sense of betrayal, hurt, and uncertainty. Addiction hits at the core of a woman’s relationship and often at the center of her soul. After learning of a partner’s addiction many women report that the relationship now feels false and empty. The partner of the addict is often left feeling vulnerable and disoriented. She will naturally ask, "Who can I trust? Who will be there for me now?" The betrayed spouse does not know where to turn and will often struggle alone. The partner’s identity, security and stability are destroyed. This type of trauma shatters the internal world of the spouse of an addict. All aspects of her life are affected. Her ability to function with employment, household duties, and parenting is disrupted. Her sense of herself is altered. Often her spirituality is impacted. The experience can fall into the category of trauma.
Response to trauma can vary widely, and may include any of the following:
Fear and/or anxiety
Outbursts of anger or rage
Sadness and/or depression
Hypervigilence (excessive alertness or watchfulness)
Irritability
Worrying or ruminating
Intrusive thoughts of the trauma
Tendency to isolate oneself
Difficulty concentrating or remembering
Feelings of panic or feeling out of control
Increased need to control everyday experiences (parenting, cleaning, dieting)
Difficulty trusting or feelings of betrayal
Feelings of self-blame or responsibility
Flooding of feelings and/or emotional numbness
Feelings of helplessness
Minimizing the experience
Feelings of detachment
Concern over burdening others with problems
Under- or overeating (weight loss or weight gain)
Shame
Shock and disbelief
Diminished interest in everyday activities
Withdraw
Preoccupation with body image
Partners are sometimes surprised that reactions to the trauma last longer than they expected. It may take months or even years to fully regain a sense of balance and equilibrium. Too often partners feel that they need to just "get over it" when in reality most partners need support to "get through it." Research indicates that one of the keys of successfully working through trauma is the level of support an individual has. Many women feel isolated and it can be said that often "when an addict comes out of the closet his partner goes in." Therefore it is important for the partner to find a safe place to talk about her experience..
Another tool to work through trauma is to focus on "self-care." Self-care involves finding helpful coping strategies that assist in nurturing oneself at a very difficult time of life. Some examples might include:
Connecting and talking with others, especially with those who share similar stressful experiences.
Allowing yourself to feel and express emotions such as anger, sadness, hurt, and fear, which are all common emotions at a time of crisis.
Engaging in physical movement and/or exercise to deal with the stresses of the trauma.
Participating in relaxation activities like yoga, meditation, stretching, or massage.
Seeking plenty of rest. Often sleep is disrupted and as much as possible it is important to maintain a normal sleep cycle.
Writing about the experience in order to begin the process of sorting through the details and emotions of the events.
Maintaining spiritual practices such as praying, meditating, and attending religious meetings or gatherings.
Taking relaxing baths or showers
Listening to calming and uplifting music.
Just like anyone who has been through a traumatic event it is important that you treat yourself with gentleness and patience. If possible, try not to make major life changes at this time, as thinking and judgment may not be as clear as usual. And again, seek support and information about addiction as this is a very difficult experience to navigate by oneself.

Jenn
I was wondering where this came from, did it come from a book?
AV

[betrayed family]

Jenn,
AGAIN it is as if you are RIGHT here beside me.... SEEING and FEELING the struggles that this addiction places on each SO..... on ME!!! Through the years I know I have felt all of the TRAUMA listed ..... at one time or another!!!
As Alovera asked..... where did this come from??

Hugs
Betrayedfamily

[JenMac]

Hi BF!
Isn't this so very true for all of us? It really hit home with me too!
I copied this from another site that I was reading. I am not sure where exactly that was but I will see if I can find it!!
I'll get back to you!
>:D<
Jenn

[stillandagain]

Thank you for the "Understanding Trauma" repost.

As a PTSD trauma survivor (I was assaulted in 1990), it helps me to frame my reaction/response as "trauma." It helps me understand MY triggers, and more.

[stillandagain]

I need to say that considering MY triggers is unnervingly helpful in my journey. Triggers for what? the escalation of MY reaction and overreaction; uncontrollable anger; the internal agony of the hurt of it all; the guilt over my enabling and repetitive patterns; what I have heard from him that he doesn't like about me turns me insecurely inward.

feels traumatizing indeed

[waterlily327]

I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. Before joining the site, I visited for about 10 days as a guest. This document hit home--I have done/felt all those things at some point along this journey. Showing my BF helped me put words to all those emotions that I couldn't open up to before. Thank you.