opinions on my case

[girl24]

hello

first i wanna say happy new years to all =)

after findind out about this website im confident this is gunna be great help i can get some good advice in here. and i would appreciate it!
well my story begins with me meeting my husband i felt the best i had been in two serious relationships before him and i had never felt the way i feel for him! so basically after a few months dating we got married i was really happy and eventho it was soon to get married im confident hes the one however i learned that maybe you do need to kno eachanother little longer so u can fully understand eachanother. However that didnt matter to me becuz my feelings towards him are unexplainable its such a good feeling. I kno im not the perfect girl and would never be. Im insecure in many ways and i have my reasons to feel like that. At the begiining of my relationship everything seem perfect i was ok with him watching p i just didnt know fully how much he enjoyed it i just thought it was normal for him to watch it i mean hes a guy i thought to myself. I myself was very innocent when i met him, eventho i was in two other seriou relationships i was very young and was monitored 24/7 by my parents which im thankful for. However when it came to P or anything like that i had seen it two times but just didnt understand it. I guess because i wasnt a guy i didnt feel the same way i didnt care for it at all till this day i dont!I didnt mind my hubby watching it, but i didnt kno he besides P had a thing for feet which is my main problem.....till dis day! I HATE it... and its mostly all the lies and hurt it has broughten to my life!! its made my life miserable!!!i was so ok with him watching P to an extend after him taking advantage after 2 years of marriage it has come to a conclusion by him i beter accept it because he is not gunna change in any way HE CAN mayb try but promises no changes at all !It hurts to kno the person who is suppose to make you happy doesnt even try to control himself with that stuff! it hurts a lot and its making feel distant unwanted not pretty .Like i sayd earlier im not perfect im been trough so much b4 i met him that it was hard to trust him when we were dating but thats just normal as i see it u kno when u been hurt twice from previous people u start being more careful with the next relationship so i was a little mean and trying to control everything bout him like who he talk to and all , that lasted for a whie even after getting married i just wanted to make shure he did love me and not lie but it doesnt compare or come close to what he has put me trough. I already apologize to him if i had been the way i have and i been trying to change since then i wanted to make things right!me and him have a babygirl together so when people are thinking just leave its not only bout me but her 2! Its really hard to decide anything i tryed leaving him when i found out he was videotapping girls feet at places he would lie and tell me he was at work and go videotape take pictures .. it disgustes me.. and its sad cuz i think thats disrespecting those girls privacy i tryed leaving my babygirl was 5 months old and he promised he was sorry but of curze he lied... and i beleive him.i ffoled myself everyday till dis day hes gunna change.. he doesnt love me enough and .he till this day keeps doin it behing my back .. he buys subcripstions and does anything possible for them! I already told him i kno and i tryed telling him how much i hate it and he takes it as bitching at him, as me being sorry for the langueage a "dumbs-ass" for not accepting it he says its normal and u better deal with it!he hides everything from me he has secret emails i have caught all this ans it seems the more i discover the more he hates me he makes me feel unwanted like he wishes i could dissapear when it comes to his foot fetish! Hes takes care of us but ifeel thats he thinks just becuz he works hes our god and we should do what he wants!Im scare to tellhim anything wiout flipping out! Im pretty strong dont think im a weak person who lets her husband talk over her trust me he hated it when i defend myself!its just when i see all the things i have discover from him that gets to me and i get weak!I just hate it , he chooses that over us and he has prove to me and done a lot that shows me that!I feel as if he thinks he has me secure, he doesnt try to do pretty much anything i like but he demands well more like u better get used to do this cuz 'hes not changing"so basicallly im not worth him stopping. idk what to do even after all this im growing distant with him but i still love him! i care for hima lot but i just cant take this! i cant believe my husband prefers a for fetish over me and his little girl!!!i tryed telling him to go to counseling he says ya but no one gunna tell him he has an addiction he thinks hes normal i am wrong and if i argue about it i get called bad everyword in the world!

[rosie]

welcome!

Your husband has to want to change or there is no point to therapy. If he doesn't see a problem, then there isn't much you can do.

If you google recovery nation, there are workshops for addicts, partners and couples.

Good luck and sorry to see yet another person affected by P/SA. :(

[JenMac]

HI G24!
Welcome to TTF! I am sorry for your sadness and hurt! There are many of us here who have had all of he same feelings you are experiencing. You are not alone!
You tell us that your H is not admitting to a problem or that he does not understand your hurt. It was suggested to me when I first came here that I write a letter to my H expressing how this was affecting me. It took a lot for me to muster up the energy to do this at the time but it was perhaps one of the most important things I have done throughout this ordeal. That and coming here. For some reason, when you put your pain on paper, it has a tremendous impact, at least it did in our case.
Rosie is right, your H has to want to change but your reactions can help in that regard. You need to decide what you are willing to live with Girl24. You need to set your boundaries. For me, I knew within the first 24 hours that I was not willing to live with P in my life. I needed to feel safe, loved and respected in my relationship and I could not do that with P in my life. I had been happily married 33 years and I was willing to walk away from it all, it was that important to me. Once my H committed to no more P, I was willing to decide to make no decision about whether I would stay or go at that time. We had no idea in the beginning that it would require a program of recovery on both of our parts. It was only in the weeks that followed that we realized the extent to which we needed to go to recover, for ourselves individually, and together as a couple. When recovery truly started to happen for us, it was then that I made a conscious decision to stay and try to rebuild my marriage. It has been hard work but we are here, 9 months later, stronger, happier, closer than we have perhaps ever been.
We have both found TTF to be a Godsend Girl24! There is a wealth of information and good people here. I wish you all the best as you begin your journey.
I would like to also tell you, my H had no idea in the beginning how this had all affected him, physically, mentally, emotionally. It was not until he was a few months into recovery that he could clearly see where he had been and how he was changing. So it is not surprising that your H is in denial. It seems to be a process, a process of discovery and understanding. It takes a while to get there!
I must stress though that your healing can begin now. You must take care of yourself through all of this because it can severely affect our physical and mental wellbeing. You have a precious little one to consider G24 and she needs the best mommy she can get! Take care of you G24! You deserve it!
Wishing you all the best! I am so glad you are here!
Jenn

[Life-lies-trust]

G24,
Sorry you find yourself in this place. The resources here are a great help. You can not force a person to change. They have to decide that they want to change for them self's or they will fail from my experience. You have to take care of your self and your little girl.

Hugs and chocolate for you.>:D<

[girl24]

Thank yu so much for the feedback yes he already made it clear he is not gunna change:-( and it hurts so much he doesn't even wanna try he has mention many times he kinda would of like a girl who was into that kinda stuff and I tell him
Many times how u say hurtful stuff like that . I love him very much and I wish he would try to change becuz of us becuz he really loves me but I'm realizing more and more he prefers his FF and P addiction over us:(I have written emails to him explaining but he doesn't care :( he says he tell me yes to everything to shut me
Up he doesn't like to hear me as he call it's "bitching at him all the time"

[JenMac]

I am so sorry G24!
It is a painful and sad place you are in. You will need to make decisions about how you will best deal with this. Perhaps he doesn't think you will do anything about it?
Think about making a plan for yourself even if you choose not to follow through with it right now. Think about your boundaries and what you will tolerate and what you will not. this is your life too! You have a right to feel safe, loved and respected. That is a basic human right, it is the least you should expect in your marriage.
I am thinking of you Girl and I am so sorry for your pain and heartache!
Hugs for you!
Jenn

[girl24]

its just hard to decide anything before i met him i was very dependent of myself i worked and all that now i depend on him and i kno if i try i can make it its just he has sayd some hurtful stuff it makes me feel im worth zero he tells me im the closest to being the worst person in the world! i have dont nothing to make him feel like that im so loving to him i wanna hug him kiss him like im always showing love yet he seems to reject it he says hes not like that and i told him i am so we need to compromise in everything and communicate but like i sayd b4 he doesnt wanna change=( it sucks because when i came into this marriage i didnt come to get divorce and be miserable and i was so happy of finding the one i felt so damn good and positive i knew marriage is not easy but i would of never though P was gunna destroy my marriage:((he rather go shoot videos of girls feet ans take pictures than talk to me or his daughter..and he thinks im psyco for caring but i think as a wife i need to be respected and heard he cant expect to think he can get or do whatever he wants and still be married . I have lost all the fun side of me, i use to smille now im always angry and sad. i cant even hang around my own famiy with him there because im so paraniod he would even take pictures of my familys "girls" feet and everywhere we go he cant hide the fact all he looks for its that.i cant enjoy a day outing as a family because we argue all the time.and i love goin to the beach since i discover his lies i havent even been there so as u guys can see it sucks =( it has gotten to the point i dont wanna live my life worrying where to go or not..i wanna have fun like i use to go to places and enjoy them specially with my little girl.Hes changed me so much ..

[rosie]

Hey Girl...

Instead of wasting your kisses and hugs on him, give them to yourself and your daughter. YOU need love and self-care.

It's not that he PREFERS feet and all of that, he is addicted to it. That is his true love while ever he is addicted. You cannot compete that, and the sad truth is, that if an addict is not willing to change - he will pick IT over YOU every single time. I know that is hard to hear, but that is what he is doing.

The ONLY way he will stop being like this is if he gets SERIOUS help with therapy and starts recovery. Nothing you do will change this so you need to make your own decisions about YOUR life and start making it happen.

My friend once told me... "Skinny is as skinny does". That means, if you want to be skinny, look at skinny people and follow what they do. Just do it. So, I am saying this to you. "Happy is what happy does". Go and do what happy people do. This, will make you happy. You can't rely on him to make you happy. It's not possible and PARTICULARLY when he is addicted.

Good luck girl. I am thinking of you.

[NewHope10]

A belated welcome, G24...

I'm sorry you find yourself here - but am happy you found TTF. It is such a great place for support and learning and knowing you are not alone.

You got some great advice above from the other SO's. Still...my heart goes out to you!

As hard as it is to hear...your H will not change unless he knows and accepts that he has a problem and is willing to seek help. It is a tough place to be in, I know. I walked away from a previous marriage for something similar to why I'm here now (in my current marriage). My ex was not willing to change - and in order for me to be free and happy again...I had to walk away from it. I wasn't willing to live my life that way...miserable, unhappy, in an untrusting marriage, etc.

Its kind-of like I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire, because of my current situation.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do - because only you can decide. I just wanted to share my experience with you. In my current marriage - my H is getting help for his PA and as long as he is doing that then I'll stay in the marriage to support him and rebuild us.

Its really important that you take care of yourself and your child. Its important that you recover and become strong again...be able to smile again and have fun again.

I'm glad you found TTF - and we are here for you! You are not alone.

[girl24]

Thank yu so much guys!!! I appreciate all the support ! I got very sad today I discover him looking for a celebritie feet and she just turn 18, it scares me to have the thought he one day he can try to look at our daughter or any family member I kno it may sound crazy and allbut I need to star thinking ahead for her and I'm thinking of our happiness but if that's putting my daughter or anyone at risks it's not worth it