What are the different levels of addiction?

[hannah]

Hello everyone,
I am coming to terms with how my partner has used P for many years, during very unhappy and lonely times of his life. It has been in the form of building up a collection of still images on a memory stick. Nothing that has cost him money, no chat rooms, films or the terrible situations that some of the poor blokes have found themselves in here with escorts etc.
He used to MB more or less daily to the images but apparently not since we have been together. This has made it more difficult for me to understand as we have a beautiful sex life. He said he doesn't know why he looked at them again, was when I was out working, swimming or shopping, he mentioned boredom and stress and that he would glance at the images in between looking at the football results - I was alarmed that looking at this stuff had become as normal as looking at the footy results! Many times in recent months I've come home and have been devestated by his sudden mood change, usually he has had a drink and he became so nonchalent and argumentitive, not able to see my point of view. I know see he was looking degrading images of women and believe his respect for me was impaired. The past 4 months have been tricky because he only had part time work, I know this is challenging for a proud man but his time is now full - he said that he just thought the need to look at it and save the mages would just go now he had more work. I believe it would but there is no way I'm happy with this as an outcome or learning on his part. He has to be fully aware of what triggers it because life will have its stresses yet again. From looking at his browsing history it seems that he has binged on it in recent months.
At first he said it was 'harmless, every man does it, etc....'
I began to research and confronted him with the horrible truth and said I consider it promotes mysogyny, he found it very painful to hear al the information I had found. PErsonally, I wish he would also research the true effects of this evil, evil rubbish.
The images were awful and I discovered them when my machine was down, it was the day I was going to see a consultant about a small operation I am due to have in Jan - a gynae op. Timing was bad, I sobbed all the way through the appointment.

However - if I had not discovered the images I don't believe we would survive as a couple. There were many times that I just couldn't understand the change in is personality and began to fall into trying to prevent upsetting/stressing him for fear of his mood change. It's two weeks since it all came out, things are much better but I need to guage what it will take for him to truly banish it forever.

Any thoughts?

Hannah x

[Life-lies-trust]

hannah,
First sorry that you are here it is a difficult place to be. Hugs to you.

Second is that you can not make him change. Until HE decides that he does not want P any more there is nothing you can do to stop him. The addict will always find a way to get a fix. If he is addicted to P it is not about you and is only a selfish addict thing on dealing with his issues and stresses.

[hannah]

Hi Life-lies-Trust,
My partner DOES recognise the addiction and is now making big strides to reak it. I just wonder how hard it will be for him to resist compared to other, much more sever addictions.
It's been a good day, he's on here and he seems to really like it.

Thank you all xxxx

[JenMac]

Hi Hannah!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you are here and I am also glad that your partner recognises his addiction and is ready to try to rid himself of it! That is indeed the first step! Recognising the problem, that is!
As for how hard it will be for him to overcome this addiction, it will depend on many factors! This is by no means a less severe addiction for many who are here.
Hannah, I am glad you are here! I encourage you to start a journal in the SO journal section so you can receive support of other SOs here. That will be very important for you, as your healing will take time as well as his.
If you would like, I will move this thread to the journal section for you. Let me know!
Glad you are here! This site has been a lifeline for me during my healing from this intrusive time in my life!
All the best!
Jenn

[hannah]

Thanks Jen but I don't feel up to doing a journal just yet. May be in the coming weeks. Do far, things are going well - just a bit wobbly this afternoon when I wanted to do different things to boyfriend, I've been brought up to clean the house thoroughly on new Years Eve and a neighbour needed a bit of a natter. he seems much happier now though.

I would still like to be able to guage the level of his addiction, not sure what I can do to prevent relapse either. Bit nervous about he operation next week and the effect on our intimacy. :-<
xxxxxxxx

[JenMac]

HI Hannah!
I have been rereading your story and I feel compelled to post some thoughts and observations to you.
Since this discovery is so very new to you, you may not be aware of all that you will come to know. There are many of us here who did not get the entire story in one setting. It took weeks, perhaps months for all of the details to come out. It seems to take time for our Hs to come to terms themselves with what they have been into, let alone be ready to share it with us. In the beginning, my H tried to minimize his involvement to minimize the damage to our relationship and perhaps to his own psychy. The story came out over time. It was a process we had to go through, it seems.
If your bf has been involved enough to affect his moods, I suspect there is a fairly deep addiction that he will have to recover from. But I really have no way of judging this, only you will know this. I have read of people here who were mistreated by their Hs during their acting out and recovery periods. For myself, that was not my experience, but only because my H's involvement was fairly shortlived, I could see a disconnect and irritability starting to form in the end.
There is nothing YOU can do to prevent relapse. That would fall to your bf's responsibility. Has he installed any filter on his computer? Is he committing to recovery? His recovery is his own and only he can take the steps necessary to heal from this allconsuming addiction. Hard for us to accept, for sure! We can support them along the way but we can't do it for them unfortunately.
Good luck with your operation Hannah! Take the time to heal without worry! It is important that you take care of yourself at this time! Self care is so very important through all of this!
All the best!
Jenn

[hannah]

Feeling a bit odd today. I know what you are saying but I don't know how I would react to anymore details. I can't stand the lies and P is one of many others I've had to come to terms with. Lies that really weren't necessary. It has thrown me off course finally finding out about the PA but I hope it has fully explained the mood swings and risky behaviour. There have been times where I've been at my wits' end with frustration ~X(
I'm feeling a bit fragile what with the op on Friday. I have never had to worry about my life/relationship in the past as I have to in this relationship, been together for just over a year and we were put through a lot.

[JenMac]

HI Hannah!
So sorry you are feeling in a fragile state! This kind of upheaval in our lives does exactly that I am afraid. Makes us feel vulnerable and, for me in the beginning, weak. You have the added pressure of the operation so you need to put your energies into your own self care at this time. Hard to do, I know but necessary! Your wellbeing can be so affected by this and it is important that you do things that will foster healing for you both physically and mentally.
I am going to copy and paste an article about the trauma you have experienced. I hope you will find it helpful!
I am glad you are here Hannah! You have found a place where there are many who know exactly what you are experiencing!
Be right back!
Jenn

[hannah]

Thanks Jenn, I appreciate that. To be honest we have gone through so much since we got together this is just another crisis ina very long line.

[JenMac]

Here it is Hannah! Hopefully this will help to make you feel that what you are experiencing is pretty normal under the circumstances!
Jenn

Understanding Trauma for Partners

Those on the receiving end of addiction are often left dealing with a sense of betrayal, hurt, and uncertainty. Addiction hits at the core of a woman’s relationship and often at the center of her soul. After learning of a partner’s addiction many women report that the relationship now feels false and empty. The partner of the addict is often left feeling vulnerable and disoriented. She will naturally ask, "Who can I trust? Who will be there for me now?" The betrayed spouse does not know where to turn and will often struggle alone. The partner’s identity, security and stability are destroyed. This type of trauma shatters the internal world of the spouse of an addict. All aspects of her life are affected. Her ability to function with employment, household duties, and parenting is disrupted. Her sense of herself is altered. Often her spirituality is impacted. The experience can fall into the category of trauma.
Response to trauma can vary widely, and may include any of the following:
Fear and/or anxiety
Outbursts of anger or rage
Sadness and/or depression
Hypervigilence (excessive alertness or watchfulness)
Irritability
Worrying or ruminating
Intrusive thoughts of the trauma
Tendency to isolate oneself
Difficulty concentrating or remembering
Feelings of panic or feeling out of control
Increased need to control everyday experiences (parenting, cleaning, dieting)
Difficulty trusting or feelings of betrayal
Feelings of self-blame or responsibility
Flooding of feelings and/or emotional numbness
Feelings of helplessness
Minimizing the experience
Feelings of detachment
Concern over burdening others with problems
Under- or overeating (weight loss or weight gain)
Shame
Shock and disbelief
Diminished interest in everyday activities
Withdraw
Preoccupation with body image
Partners are sometimes surprised that reactions to the trauma last longer than they expected. It may take months or even years to fully regain a sense of balance and equilibrium. Too often partners feel that they need to just "get over it" when in reality most partners need support to "get through it." Research indicates that one of the keys of successfully working through trauma is the level of support an individual has. Many women feel isolated and it can be said that often "when an addict comes out of the closet his partner goes in." Therefore it is important for the partner to find a safe place to talk about her experience..
Another tool to work through trauma is to focus on "self-care." Self-care involves finding helpful coping strategies that assist in nurturing oneself at a very difficult time of life. Some examples might include:
Connecting and talking with others, especially with those who share similar stressful experiences.
Allowing yourself to feel and express emotions such as anger, sadness, hurt, and fear, which are all common emotions at a time of crisis.
Engaging in physical movement and/or exercise to deal with the stresses of the trauma.
Participating in relaxation activities like yoga, meditation, stretching, or massage.
Seeking plenty of rest. Often sleep is disrupted and as much as possible it is important to maintain a normal sleep cycle.
Writing about the experience in order to begin the process of sorting through the details and emotions of the events.
Maintaining spiritual practices such as praying, meditating, and attending religious meetings or gatherings.
Taking relaxing baths or showers
Listening to calming and uplifting music.
Just like anyone who has been through a traumatic event it is important that you treat yourself with gentleness and patience. If possible, try not to make major life changes at this time, as thinking and judgment may not be as clear as usual. And again, seek support and information about addiction as this is a very difficult experience to navigate by oneself.