How would you feel if your DH did this to you?

[rosie]

So, we are 1.5 weeks into recovery. Tonight, is Christmas Carols. I told him yesterday that I really want to go this year, and that I want him to come. He promised he would, as he wants to be more involved as a father. This was always my tradition. I stopped doing nearly EVERYTHING because of the social tension between us going out. He would get cold, rude, snappy, and basically the whole thing was unpleasant. So I have over time, stopped going to things I love and I don't want to do that any more. On the same token, I dont want to take the kids and have to explain why dad is sitting home refusing to come. :( I dont want to break their hearts.

I was so happy that he committed to come tonight. Finally, we can start being a family again. I have missed this for years. I felt like a single mother for years.

So, tonight he tells me he is not coming, as it will be too hard for him with triggers, and nothing is more important than his recovery.
I was really upset, and told him to make a plan, and work hard, and he would be fine. Divert his eyes, focus on his family, and enjoy the carols. Go in with a plan.

He refused to make a plan, he refuses to go. He broke his promise to me that he made only yesterday.

Isn't this meant to be where he works his ass off to stick by his words and come through on his promises? Why is it okay for his family to CONTINUE to miss out because of this addiction? Why cant he even go out with us and stay strong, have a plan and put his family first?

Why is his discomfort worth breaking promises to me and the kids?

What would you think/feel if it was your DH doing this...if any PA's want to respond would be grateful too.

I feel so upset. One little thing like this can really make me crash so quickly and I hate it. Its up and down up and down all the time. If I am totally honest I would say that this used to be his pattern to get rid of us so he could use p. :(

[NewHope10]

I am so sorry that you are upset, Rosie! I would be too.

It sounds as though this is something that your H didn't want to do to begin with. Am I wrong?

Saying that...do you think that his comment about being too hard for him with triggers is a way for him to get out of going?

You figure...there are going to be triggers all over the place at any given point of any day. Hey...sitting at a computer could be a trigger...does he stay away from that? What about TV? What about his own mind?

IMO...I think its important that our DH's follow through with the promises they have given. Perhaps he could make a plan and prepare for possible triggers.

Maybe there is a compromise...like him joining the family for a period of time at the beginning of the journey.

I don't know...those are my initial thoughts. I'm looking forward to what others have to say.

(bighug)

[rosie]

Thanks for your reply. He is not very sociable, and I think this is largely because of his addiction to both porn/ and the computer. So, I think you are right.. he didnt want to go in the first place.

I just.. thought he would try more. I keep hearing the line that he wont compromise anything if it jeopardises his recovery, which, seems in ways a good thing to do, but what about us? What about what we need? It just seems like more of the same selfishness.

He told me he wants to be dependable and more involved in the family, but yet he is still trying to avoid social situations with us which means that we miss out? He has to face things some day...

He gets on a train, for 1 hour each day. He walks around the City, for 1 hour each day. He uses the computer for at least 11 hours per day but yet, a family outing is too triggering and damaging...

I dont know. It feels like the same things again. It makes me feel like his new promises of a great family life are all lies.

[NewHope10]

I just.. thought he would try more. I keep hearing the line that he wont compromise anything if it jeopardises his recovery, which, seems in ways a good thing to do, but what about us? What about what we need?

I hear so much sadness in this, Rosie.

Do you want to know what I always say? I say "Sometimes we have to do the things we don't want to do". Sure...there are things I don't want to do...places I don't want to go - but sometimes I have to make myself do it. And I do. That's life. (I guess that's also the non-addict mind way of thinking)

That's advice I give to others (including my H).

I'm guessing right about now you are looking for signs that your H is going to put into "action" what his words are saying. This, IMO, is part of proving to us SO's that they are working on recovery. Yes...its important for the PA to be vigilant and work on their own recovery...but because of their past actions - work and healing needs to be done on the relationship with the SO. That is my opinion.

Unfortunately, we cannot make our H's do anything. Yes - soooooooo frustrating! I really don't think that a PA "living in a bubble" is the answer. Regardless of his decision - I hope that you can have some fun participating in a fun activity with your children...to help create and be part of making special and lasting memories for them.

[hellron]

(removed by hellron)

[NewHope10]

I've been thinking about this more, Rosie.

You are actually amazing for wanting to do something fun so shortly after discovery. It took a couple of months after this last discovery for me to get outside myself and do anything remotely fun. It took a long time for me to even smile.

Speaking of being stuck "inside a bubble"...I was stuck there during those first couple of months. I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I did not "make" myself do anything. I just couldn't. Maybe in a way - that's what some PA's feel like??? and if so...then I understand.

So...really...who am I to tell anyone to "just do things even though you don't feel like it"? The all-knowing and ever-powerful NH?...Nope. Sometimes I have to take myself down a few notches.

I tend to forget how I was like after discovery. I really need to remember that.

I always have to remember...that it all takes time. Time and healing. I would not want my DH to place himself knowingly in a situation where there might be triggers at this point in time. One little baby step in front of another. I also have to remember that it takes time for my H too.

Yup...just had myself a piece of "humble pie".

I just thought of something else...another compromise maybe???...

If your DH does not go out with you...maybe after you and the children come back - you can do something as a family in your home. Make hot chocolate...play a game. Maybe the kids could sing the songs they sang while they were out caroling to your H. Watch a Christmas movie together??? I think that might create some special family memories as well!

Okay...I'm done hijacking your thread. Sorry about that. Its early...my H is not up - so everyone else has to suffer my early morning musings...lol!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

rosie-

I would feel pissed if I was in your situation. That being said... who is more upset, you or the kids? Do the kids even care? If its your thing and they are used to him not participating, are they ok with that or upset? Either way, its sad... if they are ok with him gone, that's sad, and if they are sad, that's sad too.

I have to ask... what kind of climate do you live in that Christmas caroling is triggering? I am picturing you living on a tropical island where everyone carols in a hula skirt. I suppose that could be triggering... otherwise, I am not sure what's so hard about being around people bundled up for cold weather and singing songs about Christmas and Jesus. But, that's just me!

I hope your husband really reads this part of your journal and responds, because it says it all.

"He gets on a train, for 1 hour each day. He walks around the City, for 1 hour each day. He uses the computer for at least 11 hours per day but yet, a family outing is too triggering and damaging..."

I think you two really need some answers from him on this one. It could be enlightening to him.

Anyway, I have never written to you before but I read your journal and I am sad, but hopeful for you.

Hugs... and hot cocoa.

ps...NeedHope had a great idea about doing something all together after caroling to help you guys connect and have fun.

[JenMac]

Hi guys!
Okay NH, you just made me totally flip flop on my thoughts here. That's what a fence sitter I can be!

First you said,
I'm guessing right about now you are looking for signs that your H is going to put into "action" what his words are saying. This, IMO, is part of proving to us SO's that they are working on recovery. Yes...its important for the PA to be vigilant and work on their own recovery...but because of their past actions - work and healing needs to be done on the relationship with the SO. That is my opinion.

and I totally agreed. This is so true! And really has been the basis for my relationship recovery.

Then you said:
Speaking of being stuck "inside a bubble"...I was stuck there during those first couple of months. I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I did not "make" myself do anything. I just couldn't. Maybe in a way - that's what some PA's feel like??? and if so...then I understand.

I tend to forget how I was like after discovery. I really need to remember that.

I always have to remember...that it all takes time. Time and healing. I would want my DH to place himself knowingly in a situation where there might be triggers at this point in time. One little baby step in front of another. I also have to remember that it takes time for my H too.

And I totally agree with this too!

It is a balance! Like everything else in life, it is a balance.
My H showing committment to my healing/our healing as well as his own was such an important part of our journey! But my committment to trying to be understanding, supportive and kind in my approach to him was of equal importance.
We each have to feel like we are being heard. We each have to take responsibility for how we express ourselves and how willing we are to respond to each other's needs.
Having said all that, I know it takes nothing to fall back, just some little thing can set us back sooo far. We wrestle with our feelings for a long time rosie! We all know what that is like!
NH is right! You are doing very well! Just in having the desire to go out and do these things, you are showing that you are moving ahead. Perhaps it is because you have been working on this for some time now, ahead of your H committing to recovery. I know, for me, I was holed up for months with no desire to see anyone or do anything. So I say good for you rosie!
Hope it all works out for both of you! Remember, communication is the most important thing in all of this! It is your most valuable tool!
Hugs!
Jenn

[NewHope10]

Okay NH, you just made me totally flip flop on my thoughts here. That's what a fence sitter I can be!

YIKES Jenn...try being inside my head! :D I thought about it after and said to myself, "NH" (ya...that's what I call me when I'm talking to myself...lol!)..."you just worked through something all on your lonesome...but people are gonna think you are looped!" Hahahaha!

But seriously...Rosie...Jenn is so right. Its a balancing act and it takes time to find that balance. I'm still trying to find it myself.

Jenn...GREAT post, my friend!

Rosie...I've read your journal and see your posts - and I think you are doing so amazingly well! I really hope you and H can come to a compromise about this.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

rosie-

I am a flip flopper too! It may be a trend for the day.

Maybe your husband has to be on guard for so much of his day, at work, on the train, etc, that he needs some time to re-energize. No one can be on guard all the time.

I hope you two can talk this out. I still would be pissed about it, because it totally sucks that this is the situation he created. But you, like I, have chosen to stick it out as long as our husband's are in recovery so we have to accept the bad with the good I supposed. These early weeks are hard, but it can get better.

DISCLAIMER: No matter what YOUR response is to your husband, even if your response is less than stellar, the choice to recover is still HIS. If he has chosen recovery, then you don't have to be on guard about pushing him back to P with your actions. Any CHOICE to use, is a choice, and the reason is just an excuse. Of course, to have a functioning marriage, we all have to play nice as best as we can.