How would you feel if your DH did this to you?

[JenMac]

No matter what YOUR response is to your husband, even if your response is less than stellar, the choice to recover is still HIS. If he has chosen recovery, then you don't have to be on guard about pushing him back to P with your actions. Any CHOICE to use, is a choice, and the reason is just an excuse. Of course, to have a functioning marriage, we all have to play nice as best as we can.


I agree completely with WONLM on this! This situation has been created by our Hs, and unfortunately all of our feelings are a direct result of that! So there are times when they have to bear the brunt of our emotional tantrums! That is just a reality they have to live with, I'm afraid. And it may even be important to their recovery!
But at the same time, our overall approach can be more loving and understanding, regardless of the hurt and anger we feel. That is of course, provided they have committed themselves to a path of recovery! Knowing that we are working with them on this recovery can inspire them greatly in their time of need!

Jenn

[mell]

Rosie,

Something to consider...... After a 'new' discovery, the shame among most PA's is very intense. Right after I last acted out, we went to a high school football game. I felt like everybody knew what I had been doing. Very awkward. This only eases through time and recovery.

That being said, I think being alone is as much of a trigger as anything else, especially early on in recovery.

Sorry if I muddied the waters. Definately something that needs to be addressed in a non - confrontational manner, IMO.

Also, what is 'DH'? I should know this, seen it a lot, but I don't.

[TrueBlue]

WoNLM said "Maybe your husband has to be on guard for so much of his day, at work, on the train, etc, that he needs some time to re-energize. No one can be on guard all the time." and I think that is totally true. Even us SOs can't always be on guard against being overwhelmed by our emotions all the time.

Mell's talk about fresh shame really makes sense to me too. And, hey Mell, DH is dear husband as far as I know.

And everyone pretty much says that you are entitled to feel however you feel, which is 100% true. You can feel anger and dissappointment and annoyance at his making and breaking a promise. It's how I would feel/have felt when my DH does/did similar things.


What worked personally in my marriage (so take or toss since all relationships are different) when my husband would do a similar thing, was to react with my emotions "put away". Emotional distance and objectivity is sometimes the best tool for SOs to have to enable the real conversations where we actually hear each other, not just speak our piece. Anyways, I would tell my husband "This is dissappointing and in the future it would be better if you truly know you can commit to something before promising it" and leave it at that for the time. And I would have to remind myself that even though I was dissappointed, it wasn't a be-all end-all catastrophe, just another hiccough that DH and I could and would work through together. Mind you, I had my share of not handling things objectively too, and would temporarily abandon hope. But the times when I was matter of fact with my hubby were the times when the outcomes tended to be better for me.

There's a thread on here somewhere about whether SOs should accept room for failure from their PAs that I think is really great. Basically that relapse is not an option, but "smaller" failures can be forgiven. Another big saying...progress, not perfection.

I'm rambling like a madwoman now...must find coffee.

All the best,
TrueBlue

[JenMac]

Emotional distance and objectivity is sometimes the best tool for SOs to have to enable the real conversations where we actually hear each other, not just speak our piece.

So true TB! That is a very good way to put it! I often felt like I was operating on 2 different levels, one in which I was able to detach a little from my emotional state and be kind and supportive to my H and the other where I just bottomed out and had to face all of the emotional trauma that I was going through.
When I could detach and speak 'matter of factly' were great times for sharing and learning together!
Great post TB!
Thanks for that!
Jenn

[muralmom]

"DISCLAIMER: No matter what YOUR response is to your husband, even if your response is less than stellar, the choice to recover is still HIS. If he has chosen recovery, then you don't have to be on guard about pushing him back to P with your actions. Any CHOICE to use, is a choice, and the reason is just an excuse. Of course, to have a functioning marriage, we all have to play nice as best as we can."

Recently a comment from my husband that seemed to be aimed at deflecting the blame of poor performance during sx from him to me, I decided (after a day of depression, thinking I was some desperate pig in the bedroom) to no longer be a part of this game he is calling recovery. This is not MY life. I will no longer be asking myself what I may have done to cause anything. I'm done analyzing my approach to him about topics, I lived for the last 5 years without sx and got pretty used to it. Yes, I would like to have closeness in my life and love with a trusted partner but that is gone now. That reality is no longer mine. HE will have to heal himself on his own. HE got himself here, and I won't subject myself to conversations where he paints himself as a victim or makes me think that I have any problem whatsoever. Playing nice...now that's a hard one right now. He has no clue how much damage he has done- how differently I see him now.
Thank God for this forum- I would go bananas without you all!

[rosie]

DH= Dear Husband.

Thanks for the replies. I just hate that these things can make me feel like I am flying off the handle. I am not really that sort of person, but little things related to PA make me feel so bloody irrational.

FWIW, I live in Australia, and it is Summer. So triggers are women everywhere in short dresses, bikini tops, etc, yes (even at Xmas Carols). We live in a coastal area....

Well, we spoke about it more. He said going out with me makes it so much harder, because first of all, he has shame at looking/feeling drawn to looking at women in an objectifying way. On top of that, he has the shame of me knowing he is looking, plus he spoke about a concept of projected shame - even when he ISN'T doing something wrong, he feels that I think he might be, and has an anxiety response.

We worked out that the key emotion and anxiety for him is fear. Not only the shame response mentioned above, but also the fear of being overwhelmed with addictive triggers, the family there wanting him to engage and also my reactions to his actions. He felt overwhelemd at the prospect and maybe as it is so soon, and he is without his normal "coping tools" (p, etc) he felt like he couldn't do it. He was fearful that it would put him off course and lead him down a road he could not deal with at the moment.

Usually in social situations, when we are all there, he will hang back, avoid being around me, (eg: volunteering to go places with the kids, etc) and deny feeling anything "weird" when I ask him what is going on.

Perhaps him having to be open, honest and transparent in this situation was also contributing to his fear.

I think avoidance is a huge part of this cycle. I think he needs to face situations that will challenge him so that he can 1. Gain confidence, 2. Learn to deal and stop avoiding, 3. Start living and stop being a prisoner to this.

To him, he is only 2 weeks in. To me, It has been 9 years of waiting so I feel like finally we can have our life back.. perhaps too soon.

He has apologised for breaking a commitment, and I asked him to make it up to me by coming to Carols tonight. We are both going to discuss a plan to deal with his anxiety and my reactions, and then go.

Overall a positive outcome.

I really appreciate the advice, thanks for not calling me a looney lol :)

[Hopeful]

Usually in social situations, when we are all there, he will hang back, avoid being around me, (eg: volunteering to go places with the kids, etc) and deny feeling anything "weird" when I ask him what is going on.

Hi Rosie,

I have spent so many years in that same situation, to the point of not really wanting to go anywhere because it just hurt too much.
From what I've read, your H really seems to be aware of so much right now and this is so big since you are just in the beginning of recovery.

I want to tell you that things will change.....to go places and have them actually paying attention to you and talking with you.....wanting to be around you whenever possible... are part of what a marriage is really about. It's what makes a family.

I really think that is in your future. I feel your H really wants this and is willing to get all the help he can.

I've said this before, we all wouldn't be here on TTF if we didn't love our H's and want the good man we married back.

Thinking of you~

[rosie]

Thanks hopeful. I too avoid social situations, I have become a recluse, except for the times I venture out alone.

I want to tell you that things will change.....to go places and have them actually paying attention to you and talking with you.....wanting to be around you whenever possible... are part of what a marriage is really about. It's what makes a family.

Past relationships, this is how it was. This is what I live in hope for, but hope can only sustain for so long, you know? Hope is great until a point - A point where it becomes unintelligent and self-abusive to continue.

I guess, I was looking at this issue with too much enmeshment. I can't really wait for him to start living and getting out there, just have to do it alone and if he decides he wants to be involved... then he will be. Just sad, what has kept us together is my trying to keep us involved and together all the time, I guess I fear what will happen when I let go. I think I already know the answer.

Thanks for your post, it helped in more ways than one.