need advice from a SO

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Good morning to all who read this

first of all, i hope it is ok to post here. i guess i need to know how to handle this. i guess im asking a SO cause there hearts where torn apart as my ladies was.

things are going pretty good here at home. even thou her hearts is torn apart from what i done to her, she has handled it pretty good. we was at the point that we was talking, laughing, and doing things together again. but last night we was in the room watching TV, and something came on that just triggered her hurt feelings again. she right away just turned cold towards me, and this morning, i can tell that she is so hurt. it was as if she just found out about my problem for the first time. i know she is hurt, i do know that i destroyed her. i guess my question to you SO's is this. how do i even start in trying to make her feel better? do i try to talk to her about it, or is it just best i shut up and leave her alone and give her some space. i feel if i try to talk to her about it, she is just going to me more hurt, but if i dont talk about it, she may feel that i just dont care about how she is feeling. i just want to hold her and look in her eyes and just let her know how much i am in love with her. i just want to let her know that to me she is the most beautiful i have ever seen in my life. please help me if you can. or please let me know if it was wrong for me to ask for your advice on this.

[rosie]

I can only speak for myself.. and how I react, others may be different though. That said, I would definitely say do NOT leave her alone to deal with it. If you notice her getting cold and upset, ask her what she is feeling? Ask her if she wants to talk, share, and reassure her that you want to listen. Even if she says she does not want to talk, I would follow up by saying "are you sure? Well I am here when you need me".

Sometimes even just NOTICING that she is upset will be enough. Other times, get comfy for a 3 hour emotional vomit.

Don't be defensive, deflective, or make excuses. Just listen, and say I am sorry, etc (or whatever genuine emotion you feel - NOT fake emotions, she will know). It is very important not to excuse, rationalise, or deflect what she says. This makes it so much worse.

Show her your post. It is genuine, loving and very considerate. Or, simply do what you said you want to do.. hold her, tell her how beautiful she is, etc. That is great :) She might not believe you for a while, but if your behaviour (eg: abstinence, and other trust and reliability-building ACTIONS) are forthcoming, she will begin to).

Good luck.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Rosie

thank you very much, for your reply. after i wrote this post i wanted to delete it. i feel so bad to even ask for help from a SO. i feel i had no right to put this question on a post to ask for help. thank you again so very much for the reply

[rosie]

Gosh, don't be sorry. Ask anything you like :) We women love chatting haha.

Best of luck with everything with your SO. Have you told her about TFF? She might find it useful here too? :)

[Charly22]

i just want to hold her and look in her eyes and just let her know how much i am in love with her. i just want to let her know that to me she is the most beautiful i have ever seen in my life.

I agree with Rosie....and think you should do exactly what you mentioned.

BUT...it is important that you be aware, and expect, for quite some time to come, that you can smooth these "triggers" over, help her feel better, and two hours later, two days later, two months later, it's gonna bubble up again. Be prepared to be patient with that happening for awhile. The more you are able to just hold her and give her something good to focus on, the more you reassure that you know why she is hurting and you want to help fix it, the more you do that, without getting upset that she is STILL feeling insecure, even after all that you have done to make it up her, the more you can keep that up...the easier it will get for her.

[rosie]

Heh, I just had a bit of a moment of clarity.

The purpose is to give of yourself to her, selflessly. If you are trying to fix her hurt for your own sense of guilt-relief, or as a way to feel good about yourself for making her happy, you might be sorely disappointed at this stage. I am not questioning your motives, but rather trying to explain that it is so very important that you are as much as you can be, selfless in giving to her during this process. Remember that PA makes you very self-motivated, and as such, unless she feels like you are fully giving to her, and feeling her (empathising) it will not be as effective in helping her heal. In actual fact, if my HB is being dismissive, self pitying or self-indulgent at all I get very angry very quickly.

She doesn't need demands, restrictions, and rebuttals of her pain. She needs someone to give of themselves so she can express herself in a safe, caring environment, and she needs to stop when she is ready. You can't fix it overnight, as much as you want to :(

[IN NEED OF HELP]

rosie and Charly22

I thank you both so very much for your response to my post. the advice that you both gave me has gone deep in my heart. Like i said earlier i wanted to delete this post after i wrote it, but i couldn't. I do feel bad that i even asked for help from a SO, but too be honest, i know that i hurt her. that i just ripped her heart right out of her chest. but i can never say that i know what she is going through. so that is why i asked SO's for help. My motive for this, is too help her go through the pain i have given her. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANY PAIN I HAVE BECAUSE OF THIS.I just care about any pain i put on her. I just want her to feel like the WOMAN she is once again. right now there are only three things i want to happen. (1) I want to fix me, i want to overcome this sickness, so i can be a better man for her. (2) I want to really do whatever i can to help her through the pain she is going through. i am willing to do what ever it takes to help her. i want to help fix her. (3) I want to see if WE can ever be US again. I made her a promise that we would GROW OLD together, but i broke that promise to her.so I need to fix it. There is no other woman on this earth that can even come close to her. she is the MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN on this earth. she is a very LOVING, CARING, SEXY, SUPPORTIVE woman. I can never lose her. she is my EVERYTHING. so now is the time I need to truly prove that to her. I need to show and prove, that i am worth keeping around. i need to show and prove that she and only she, is the one woman i want in my life. I need to make her feel good about herself, that she is a woman who is beautiful. It kills me to hear her say that she must not be good enough for me. The pain she is going thru is because of me. i done this to her, so i will do what i can to fix it.

MY LADY IS MY LIFE, AND I AM STILL SO DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH HER.

[Hopeful59]

Well, speaking from the point of view of an SO who is having a rather bad day.... Here's what I need from my spouse:

Honesty - this is very big and I need this every day. One little lie will push us back to square one and eventually will push me right out the door.

Communication/openness - don't shut down the communication lines. If you're having a hard time, I need to hear about it. I can usually tell something is up - when you're distant, irritable or preoccupied. If you shut me out, we don't have a prayer. And, there have been way too many secrets - no more!

Reassurance - I need to be reassured of your love for me, I need to hear that you really want to be with ME and that you're not just with me because I fulfill some need in your life. DO NOT treat me like a s*x object (i.e, ignore me all evening then make a grab for me at bed time.)

Time - Don't ignore me and head for the computer and leave me sitting by myself all evening/every evening because then I'll think ... who needs this? I don't want or need every minute of your time, but I do need some quality time with you.

Sobriety - I need you to stay sober. No more p*rn - ever

When I'm having a hard time (like today), I need to talk about it. So grit your teeth and prepare to listen even if you've heard it a million times already.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hopeful59

thank you so much for your reply. all i can say is point taken. i just want to do everything i can from my heart to try to make things right. the 5 points that you brought out are things i am already trying to work on. but the main one is the fact that i need to be honest with her, no matter what. i told her that if she needs to ask, please do. and even thou it may hurt, i WILL BE HONEST. it is time for me to answer for what i done in OUR life, and being HONEST is the only way i know i can even try to me, her, US

THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN
I DO HOPE YOUR DAY GETS BETTER FOR YOU

[JenMac]

Hi INOH!
Great posts happening here and I agree with everything the others have said!
My H has been so good for my healing! He has been soothing to my heart and soul! I learned early on to speak up for what I need and he has been so responsive to that.
In the beginning, my H just took over looking after everything, without complaint. He looked after the house, the cooking, the cleaning etc. I was seriously low on energy for quite some time. Bordering on depression, I think. They liken this to a trauma or deep sorrow and that is exactly how I felt.
My H also had an abundance of patience, showed little to no irritation and was willing to discuss whatever I felt I needed.
His touch was very healing to me, in the form of hugs, backrubs etc. I cannot tell you how healing that can feel! Amazing.
He has been there for me every step of the way. He has put tremendous efforts into repairing the hurt he has caused because, like you, he feels tremendous guilt!
My H told me that he wondered what he should do when I turned inward as well. It is definately difficult to know when we need to be left on our own or when to step in, but as someone else said, ask. Express your concern. That will go a long way to comforting your wife.
I have told this story before but I will tell it to you. MY H's counsellor told my H that when I was upset it was like I was in a deep hole and he had 3 choices. He could crawl into the hole with me and then we would both be stuck. He could walk by the hole without helping. or he could lend a hand to help lift me out.
Offer that help INOH! She will appreciate your concern. Do nice things for her at all times. Run a warm bath and light a candle. Show her that you are there for her at all times!
Here is a link to a thread from a while ago that you may find interesting.
PA question: How do you support your SO?
All the best!
Jenn

ps. my H and I have basically turned off the tv for the time being.