Trust issues

[Hopeful59]

Do you ever get to where you trust your p-addict again? I can't seem to quiet my suspicious mind and I don't know if it's because he's still using or just because years of lies destroyed my faith.

I have no evidence that he's been using - at home it would be difficult. But, I still catch him feeding me half truths about other things, like telling me he's stopping at a convenience store to get some lottery tickets when in fact he wanted a pack of cigarettes (which he smokes on the sly although he knows I know) or telling me he didn't see anything he wanted on a computer website, yet I know he bought some additional memory (thanks to the keylogger). I don't get why he's doing this, but all it does is feed my suspicions that maybe he's still using p.

Right now he's gone "going to the bank and the auto parts store" which is probably true, but I wonder if he's leaving something else out. And, of course, he doesn't see omissions as lies.

[Cupcakemomma]

Well, I wish I had an answer, but all I have to offer is virtual hugs, and understanding :) The whole omission thing is a constant battle here too. >:D<

[rosie]

Sorry you are going through this. I certainly hope we can get trust back, but I still have serious doubts.

I personally decided to let go of the snooping... it doesn't solve anything and just makes me lose my day to day spare time to his addiction..enough of my life has been wasted on crying/hurting etc over his addiction so I am letting go.

If I suspect him of relapsing and he hasn't told me, I am filing for divorce. That's the only way I can stay sane...

[NewHope10]

As I've said before, "trust" is so easy to break...but so difficult to rebuild.

One of the boundaries I set with my H when I first found out is this: 100% honest...100% transparacy...100% of the time (I got that one from Crisodian). I insist on it in EVERY situation. I made this VERY clear. It is what I need to rebuild trust and it is what I need to help me in my recovery.

I've caught my H in what some might call "little white lies" or ommissions (which, in truth, is a lie...because whether it is an ommision or little/big lies - its all still a lie). I told my H that if he is going to lie about the "little" things...then that doesn't help build trust and it leads me to believe that he would most certainly lie about the big things.

You asked "Do you ever get to where you trust your p-addict again?". IMO, if my H is not 100% honest...100% transparant...100% of the time...then no degree of trust will happen.

I think that trust can be rebuilt if my H is 100% honest - 100% of the time (in all things)...but I don't think I will "blindly trust" again. I've blindly trusted in the past and look where it got me...right here.

It all takes time...commitment and dedication to recovery (no relapsing)...and 100% honesty (IMO).

[Hopeful59]

I personally decided to let go of the snooping... it doesn't solve anything and just makes me lose my day to day spare time to his addiction..enough of my life has been wasted on crying/hurting etc over his addiction so I am letting go.

If I suspect him of relapsing and he hasn't told me, I am filing for divorce. That's the only way I can stay sane...

Rosie -

I'm kind of in the same place. I don't check constantly the way I did at first. I am divided in my mind - I don't want to know, yet I do.

I guess truth is the only way to go. If my H decides to go back to p*rn, then I'm filing for divorce. He's well aware of that, so if he relapses he'll try to hide it. I've begged him to get help and have been as supportive as a hurting spouse can be, so I feel like I've done everything I can do. His choice. I just don't want to live a lie anymore. Years and years of lies, betrayal and neglect are something I don't want to go back to.

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

Yes, it's true that when you lose your spouse's trust it is almost impossible to get it back. My wife has dealt with my lies, PA, & being secretive. I know I'm going to spending the rest of my days building her trust back. I'm I ready to go the distance to gain her trust back? I can honestly say yes I am. When will I get her trust back? Only she can answer that. What I can do is be is stay P-free, honest, loving,understanding, & most of all consistent to her needs & wants. These are just 2 of the questions I think every PA should ask themselves if their married. If anybody thinks I'm wrong or disagrees. Let me know I can take it. :D

[Charly22]

Sikes - I agree that staying p-free, being honest, and loving and understanding are exactly what needs to happen. But it goes much deeper than that, this I am learning.

There are so many little things that she and you don't realize, that are going to be "triggers" for her, that never used to be a problem. Porn objectifies women, to the hilt, in a very degrading way. Now that she has been hurt by this "objectifying"....any form of that is going to bring all that hurt to the surface. Small things, things that were never a problem....such as a funny joke, the lingerie catalogue, tv programs that are mainstream, or even the pa replacing his pa addiction with sex with his wife/partner, etc.

Beware of these things....

Expect that it is everywhere......

Gonna take lots of understanding and diligence for you to squash it.

[rosie]

Staying p-free is not as important to me as being honest about transgressions and being honest in day to day life. I've said it before, that him using p now, after what he knows, and the MANY steps required to USE p, shows a serious lack of commitment, and that is enough for me to divorce.

However...given that P is unable to be totally monitored by me, that is not my yard stick.

What I am looking for is honesty in all daily interactions. OP considering your husband is lying about small stuff, I believe you have every reason to believe he is lying about big stuff. That is HIS choice.

Frankly, being in a relationship where I have to constantly wonder is enough to make me want a divorce.