SOs - how do you deal with body image issues?

[debv]

OK, this has been making me crazy for nearly a year now. Discovery was a year this week, not sure really how to date it since it was a slow discovery over the span of a few days.

Anyway, I've been struggling with this for a long time, and there's been no s3x for a year. DW planned a 6-week abstinence plan, then after that I couldn't stand for him to touch me for months, not even brushing up against me or holding my hand. I would burst out in sobs. It took months before I could move back into our bed, have him hold me, hug him, or kiss him. Let alone that while he was using, there would be no s3x for me, because he wouldn't seek it out or I wouldn't be interested when he did, because he would pay no attention to me unless he wanted s3x and so I would feel used and not interested. 2, 3, 4 times a year, tops. So a year without is not too far beyond par for the course for me for the last decade, at least. I'm not happy about it, but I can live without it. But he can't.

But I still can't stand the thought of him seeing me undressed, let alone anything more intimate. He was having erectile issues, and I am certain they were related to the P use. His view of women and sex was skewed and I simply wasn't exciting enough. I know there's a chemical basis for that, but it still doesn't make it hurt less. He also had issues with my body shape (too heavy post-pregnancy, mainly). I lost 20 lbs, bottoming out after I discovered the P use and intimacy stopped. But I certainly don't look like the 20-ish if that, surgically perfected girls he was watching for all those years. I have hair where I'm supposed to have hair, fat where I'm supposed to have fat as a mature woman, I have cellulose, and gravity has taken its toll.

So my question is I don't know how other SOs have managed to get past the body image issues and the comparison issues and the idea of him imagining them and P when he's with me, and the fear of him being disappointed at seeing me when he hasn't seen me in so long. (I change clothes out of his presence, now that I'm sleeping in the same room again, and we were in different beds for about 9 months.) I can't just turn off the hurt, I can't make it go away, I don't know how others have done it, but I know not everyone here even went through an abstinence period, let alone a year of abstinence. I just have no clue how to move on in that way.

[Missingus]

Well, I don't know if this will help, hurt, or just confirm...but here I go! ;)

I have delt with my poor body image in numerous ways, some healthy others deffinatly not. When I found out about my H's P I was 20 years old. If I might be so bold I was that 20 something young and hot girl. It still hurt, I still couldn't compare. Even at the top, there is always someone better, or at least that was how it seemed then. I was devastated, and remained so for years. I have struggled with those same issues of inadequacy for years now. Then I found God. I started reading. Reading the bible, others interpretations of the bible, and began focusing myself on the greater issue. PA and lust. I still struggle with these issues to this very day. It holds me back, from the things I would so love to do. It hurts emmensely. I still find myself in from of that old hateful mirror at times... Wondering why I can't lose all this extra weight, why my boobs are all sagy and covered in stretch marks, why I even "try" anymore. Wondering how I can possibly attract him anymore, and fearful of the years to come. But then I remind myself. Those breasts fed all three of my children for years, that belly (covered in stretch marks, fat, cellulite, and also saggy) held all three of those wonderful people. I remember then the song of solomen. The beauty of sex, as it should be seen. I AM beautiful! My heart is true, I adore this man, I love my children, I care for the sick and the dying, I am beautiful because I am me! Sure I still see the imperfect exterior, but I am more than that. I am not only as attractive as a little 16y/o, I am more attractive I am more substantial. I don't care what society sends my way. I don't care what my H looks at (well I do, it still hurts) but I AM MORE than my body! We all are. Love and the attraction resulting from that is more than physical, it is inside. I took care of a man last night, on his last legs (as we put it) he is slowly dying. I cared for him durring his most recent but not his last crisis. The way he spoke of his belated wife was remarkable, the love he held for her memory was enlightening. He reminisced over the past as though it was yesterday. He spoke of their daughters like treasures from the past... He kept mentioning her flower gardens, the way she rearranged furniture in their small home, the way she cared for him. He was amazing! He still wears her wedding ring after 15 years! The accounts of her death were angelic... His love for her far surrpassed the physical. That IS love. Sex should be love or rather the expression of love between lovers.

I have had many such encounters with this, as I work with the very acutely ill. I have gained so much from them, I will be eternally grateful. I feel those in their last moments are so more aptly able to express the true essence of life.

So that is how I deal with my body, I remind myself that regardless of what my H looks at, I AM BEAUTIFUL, and I AM ATTRACTIVE. Maybe not to him, as his view on sexuality is so skewed, but the fact remains that I am and will be desirable till I die. I don't "feel" this way all of the time, I do feel ugly and unattractive at times but I feel that this is MY responsibitly to God, myself, my daughter, to all women, and to my H to remind myself that I am in fact absolutly gorgeous! We all are! No matter the body type, no matter how fat, disfigured, or ill.

[Hopeful]

Deb

I really do understand how you are feeling and sympathize with you. I still have trouble with body image even though I shouldn't Those thoughts still enter my mind even though I don't want them to. I am still not comfortable undressing in front of him.

We did go through abstinence also. Mainly because he needed it and I had to try and feel good about myself again. I do know that the H has a lot of anxiety also about being intimate again, so it's a scary thing for them too. Pressure on both sides I think.

I don't know the answer, all I know is that it takes time....every day is different and it is a struggle to get the "thoughts of not being 20 again" out of our minds. I still have difficulty with all of that. Some days are better than others.

Take care of yourself Deb...it's tough but it is better than it used to be.

[JenMac]

Hi Deb!
I can't say that I never think about this but I definately do not dwell on it, I just don't let myself go there.
A few things have helped me with that.
Firstly, I am feeling the best I have in years. I am thankful for that! I had made big lifestyle changes in the last couple of years which resulted in weight loss and a huge improvement in how I look and feel about myself.
Secondly, I don't compare myself. I am in my 50s and I can't compare with 20 year old women, that is just the way it is. Neither can my H compare with 20 year old men. We are what we are, we are not perfect.
I have been careful with what I have wanted to hear about the details of all of this. I was warned from different sources about that very thing, very early on. I think this has helped me not to get obsessed or bogged down on thoughts that might cause a lot of these insecurities.
Don't get me wrong. If I let myself, I can go there too. I just try hard not to go there. I know it is not a healthy place for me to go!
It's a hard one Deb! But embrace yourself for who you are and feel proud of the woman you are!
All the best!
Jenn

[debv]

I have been careful with what I have wanted to hear about the details of all of this. I was warned from different sources about that very thing, very early on. I think this has helped me not to get obsessed or bogged down on thoughts that might cause a lot of these insecurities.

Maybe that's a big difference. I know what he watched. I hate what he watched and I hate knowing, but I'm glad I know. I deserve to know what kind of person my H became, what kind of filth he enjoyed. It would have been the ultimate lie for him to keep that information from me, IMO. Especially since I have a history of being molested as a child and having been in an abusive relationship before I met him. I deserve to know that he has those tendencies as well. I need to deal with the truth and the whole truth when deciding whether to stay in the marriage. To me it would have been like putting my head in the sand then saying everything is OK. I couldn't do it.

[JenMac]

Hi Deb,
I do not feel like I have buried my head in the sand. I have all of the information that I need to have that is healthy for me. I know what my H watched as much as many others do. None of us can know every single thing our Hs viewed but we can have a good sense of what was being viewed. I have that information too!
I work very hard to not let it take over my psychy, to not consume me, because that is not healthy for ME. I am, after all, the most important person in this and I am the only person who can move myself through this difficult time. My H can of course do his best to help me through but, in the end, it is up to me to heal myself and getting mired in the hurt of what he has viewed to the point of it affecting my self image and self esteem will do nothing but harm me.
I work hard at this! It is a continuing process and I am not completely there but I am doing my best to get there!
I made a decision early on that I would get through this, with or without my H, with myself and my ego intact.
I am sorry for all you have been through Deb! Take care of you!
Jenn

[Cupcakemomma]

Maybe that's a big difference. I know what he watched. I hate what he watched and I hate knowing, but I'm glad I know.

I hear ya here Deb. I wish I had something valuable to offer this conversation, but I know exactly what BF looks at, and the type of girl he seeks out on his favorite swing sites, and I have found that when I think right down to the core of it, I can view it as a positive for my own image because I'm not nearly as disgustingly abusive with my body or as willing to give up my morals just to have a man or some extra money as most of those women are. I just think to myself that if he really wants a woman who has no class or is so fake and insecure then he deserves that.
I'm not perfect but I have respect for my self and dress, act and groom myself accordingly. I don't know what types of things your H used, and I hope it wasn't as disturbing as some of what mine did, but I know that telling myself that those women, no matter how physically perfect they appear, have nothing on me helped.
We have had babies, and we have been through full lives and we don't have hair and make-up departments and plastic surgeons at our disposal. There isn't a stretch mark on earth that isn't absolutely well earned and perfect :) IMO, they are what real beauty is because it means we have used our bodies in their most remarkable capacity and the gravity effect is just part of it. I'm proud that my body can make babies, has battle scars and bulges in places it never used to and that gravity and nursing have taken their toll on things. What have those girls got? they wouldn't know real strength and beauty if it bit them on their air brushed bums ;)

[debv]

My ego wasn't intact before I found out about the PA. My H had been critical of my weight and body shape forever, even before we were married, and we were married when I was 21. Over the years he has complained about my weight, how much I eat, my body shape (I'm thick-waisted), etc. When I was pregnant he told me outright that he didn't find me attractive and didn't want to have sex with me. Given that I kept my might-as-well-have-been-pregnant bpdy shape for years after I had my son, I felt understandably uncomfortable with my body and didn't really enjoy sharing it with him. There were also countless times when I caught his eyes wandering, which spoke as loud as, if not louder, than the words telling me about my weight. So even though I didn't know about the PA until a year ago, my body image was already crap based on my husband's words and actions. I have a vey hard time believing that he thinks I look fine now, given that I don't look any better than I did a year ago, and certainly look worse than before we got married, when I was already not good enough. I do believe that I'm attractive, and I do believe that men find me attractive. I just don't believe that my husband has been able to turn around his opinion after 14 years of PA and 20+ years of not finding me attractive.

ETA: I have a problem with the pregnancy changes in my body, too, because of my husband's attitude toward me while I was pregnant, and because I was only able to have one child. We adopted the second one because I couldn't safely have another. So I couldn't even do pregnant right. It's hard to feel proud of a pregnancy-impacted body when you can't even do pregnant right.

[Missingus]

I am not sure how to respond other than that we are so much more then a sum of our bodies failures. Sex is more than lust, it is the expression of love, safety, and passion. At least that is what I try to focus on anyway. About how you perseve your H's attraction to you... It would be a great shame for both of you if he has so skewed his view of sexiness and beauty to not see both in his wife, partner, and lover. Your doing a great disservice to yourself, falling so completly for those lies. I read somewhere that our men often see us in the light we shine on ourselves. They are attracted to confidence and self appreciation. That a woman who hides herself is telling her H that she is inadequate. That a H is attracted to his W when she owns her sexuality when she displays herself for him, and only him. When she acknowledges the treasure that she is. I so hope that your H soon relizes what a unique treasure he has, and finds a way to show you. I pray you find a way out of this trap.

On the topic of your perceived failure at pregnancy... Our bodies are not perfect. They do and will ultimatly fail us. I know it is difficult when our own bodies apparently betray us. I have had to deal with illness and my own bodies limitations. It was hard to accept, but something I had to. I am more than my body. It is but a temporary shell. It will fail me! I guess it pretty much sums it up with "I am not a summation of my bodies failures and weaknesses". We are all so much more than that.

[Missingus]

Oh, and "I couldn't even do pregnancy right"... You did do it right! You gave birth to that young person, right? That is a blessing in itself! There ARE those who can not even do that! Furthermore adoption is such a beautiful thing! You gave everything to give a loveless child love. You are a hero! There is so much value in that act! So much love! Goodness I really can't see the faults you prescribe to yourself... You sound like an absolutely beautiful and loving woman. Appreciate all that you are, love yourself for your infinate worth.