SOs - how do you deal with body image issues?

[Cupcakemomma]

We adopted the second one because I couldn't safely have another. So I couldn't even do pregnant right. It's hard to feel proud of a pregnancy-impacted body when you can't even do pregnant right.

Oh Deb, my heart broke for you reading this line. You did everything right. Adoption is an amazing, wonderful thing that takes immense strength to follow through with. Trust me, not many keep up that strength long. I lived in foster care for many years and met so many children who's adoptive parents just dropped them when going got tough. You are a survivor and a strong, courageous, BEAUTIFUL woman, whether you see her in the mirror or not. I don't even know what you look like and I know it's the truth.
>:D<>:D<>:D<

[debv]

Thanks ladies, you have given me a lot to think about and work on. This just hasn't been a good few days to work on my self-esteem.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Deb-

I have been really thinking about what you have posted here. I don't have any helpful advice, because I have always been pretty ok with my body. I am no super model, but I am fit and healthy and I feel good about that. I have even decided lately that like my unruly out of control hair! I decided to just stop trying to fit my curly big hair into this straight (or straightened) world I live in. Anyway... I don't know why I am talking about my hair!

It seems like your body image issues come from two places. Your own personal view, and from your husband's view and actions. So, how do you fix this? I don't know. But, remember how awesome you felt when you worked out and lost 20 pounds and took care of yourself? Take care of you and if you are healthy and fit, I think you will feel better.

Since the other reason you feel bad about your body is due to your husband, then he should have a hand in helping you feel better. You said he has always been critical of your shape. But certainly he must find something physically attractive about you. It would be very strange if he liked you, dated you and married you yet found nothing appealing about you physically. So, maybe he has his least favorite parts of you physically. But, what about his most favorite parts. Perhaps he can work on praising you and complimenting you in a way that makes you believe it.

What do you think your husband can do to help you feel better about how he views you?

I think its going to take another leap of faith for you to want to get naked or intimate with him. But, you took a leap of faith already... you are there. You gave him the chance to make things better so you can see if this marriage can work. That was the giant leap of faith. Can you extend a little more and believe him when he says you are the only woman on his mind? You are more than your body, just as he is more than his PA.

The other ladies commented on your comment about failing at pregnancy, but I want to just say "ditto" to what they said. Pregnancy doesn't make you a mother. My mother was pregnant 3 times, but she was a worthless mother. I was adopted when I was 12 and I considered myself lucky. I really wish you could change your mindset about being a failure at pregnancy. That is faulty thinking and it is so hurtful to yourself. Part of taking care of yourself should include letting go of this idea.

Hugs to you. And a little hip bump... one imperfect woman to another!

[debv]

Problem is, I don't believe my husband when he tells me he finds me attractive. If he found me attractive, he wouldn't have been using porn. Yes, I know, supposedly it has nothing to do with me, but that doesn't make logical sense, and besides that every time we talk about it DW insists that I need to take responsibility for my share of it too. And I have. My part is that I went to law school, our relationship stalled and we grew apart, our sex life faltered, I had an affair, and I never lost the baby weight that I gained (I still have about 10 lbs to go to get to pre-baby weight, and come hell or high water I'm going to get there, and with higher muscle tone and lower body fat percentage to boot.) So I know my body shape played a part in the porn use.

So instead of moping and whining I'm going to work harder to lose the weight and shape up. I had these plans for the summer, but the broken hand, surgeries, and rehab got in the way of a ramped-up exercise routine. It's not kayaking season anymore, but we have a gym in our neighborhood clubhouse that has weights. Our older son wants to start working with them anyway, and I just haven't had much time to take him, once I was physically capable of spotting him again. So I'll make the time to do that. That'll increase my muscle mass, which will help boost my metabolism. I'll also do some higher-intensity cardio workouts to burn the fat and cut down on as much tummy as I can. I feel better about myself when I'm eating right and working out anyway, plus the workouts will make me look better. I still won't be perfect and T&A enhanced, but may end up feeling like I'm good enough for DW. And I'll definitely feel better for me.

[Cupcakemomma]

So I know my body shape played a part in the porn use.

Sooooooooo NOT true!!!! Even if we were all Claudia Schiffer, we'd still be here. Sandra Bullock is an absolute knock out IMO, and look at her SA husband.... We are not in any way shape or form responsible for their P use.

I feel better about myself when I'm eating right and working out anyway, plus the workouts will make me look better.

THIS is a very healthy attitude! I wish I was that motivated.:D

I still won't be perfect and T&A enhanced, but may end up feeling like I'm good enough for DW. And I'll definitely feel better for me.

One last thing... You are more than good enough for DW. It's you that you need to impress >:D<

[Hopeful59]

Initially after I found out about my h's p-use, I felt like I was competing with all those trash p-ho's out there. But at this point I feel like I want to look good for my own satisfaction. If my DH appreciates it fine. But I'm not going to worry too much about trying to be perfect. Perfect doesn't exist and my DH is no where near perfect - he's 50+, balding at about 80 pounds overweight. The only way he could truly get one of those 20ish girlies is to pay them - and if that happens I am gone so fast I'll leave skid marks.

All this worship of the flesh is just disgusting to me. I known p distorts people's views of what's important. Honestly if my DH gets to where the most important thing in our marriage is whether or not I resemble some p-star, then we got nothing left to stand on.

[rosie]

Problem is, I don't believe my husband when he tells me he finds me attractive. If he found me attractive, he wouldn't have been using porn. Yes, I know, supposedly it has nothing to do with me

I agree. Mine looks at women who look nothing like me, so clearly he is not attracted to me. Which is hard to handle because even in the beginning he watched porn etc, so I have never been sexually attractive to him, obviously.

I have weight to lose, but I am not losing it for him. I refuse to. If he doesn't love me how I am, I don't want him. I am worth so much more than how I look. I even sort of blame him for my weight-gain. Being so damn starving for love for so long,.. is it any wonder I went to food? Maybe that sounds like a copout but I truly see the correlation. Not his fault, but definitely impacted by the addiction and lonliness.

I want to lose weight for me. To be healthy. Not to be sexy for men. (yes, I am bitter).

[rosie]

Posting here again because I had a flash of insight.

All of this PA/SA stuff focuses on looking at women as objects. Focusing on their physical traits, and what those physical traits can do for the mans physical pleasure.

It is so much more than that. True intimacy is an extension of love, and anything focused on the actual physical aspects of us, our body, etc is not true intimacy and love.

So with that, I am going to stop objectifying myself by defining who I am by how I look and my wobbly bits LOL.

Body issues be damned. They really have no place in a loving intimate union in my opinion.

I know there is a bible verse which captures what I am trying to say but I do not know where to find it...will be back if I do.

edit: ...the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish" (Gal. 5:17)

“For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.”

[Hopeful59]

Rosie,

I agree with your post. I think it is so ridiculous for men to focus solely on a woman's physical attributes - that is not love and that is not what a relationship should be about. If I were to do the same, my H would get nothing from me. He has let himself go and his naked body doesn't do a thing for me. Consequently how DARE he ever compare me to those p*rn ho's or make any criticisms of me at all. Honestly, I don't want those huge b**bs that he lusts after.

Thanks for the Bible verses. They express exactly what I feel about the situation that p*rn addiction is really a spiritual issue, a warring of the spirits. There are times when I can feel that seductive spirit. There are times when I've been around people and felt it and later found out that they had some issue along those lines - p*rn addiction or some other sexual deviance. It seems to be that the whole thing is a choice - you follow the ways of this evil world or you follow God.

[rosie]

Hopeful to me it is about light and dark, or love and lack of love.

To me, God = love.

So, porn pulls you away from love. Objectifying pulls you away from love. Anything "associated with earthly objects/things you can touch" has the ability to pull you away from God/Love.

Anyway, will stop preaching, it just seemed so clear to me at the time.

The travesty of this whole affair is that US as WOMEN objectify OURSELVES. We focus on our "bad body bits" and use this as a measure of our attractiveness/worth - I understand why we do this, we are constantly compared and conditioned to think we need to look perfect for approval, but it is still very sad and harmful. I am seeing more and more the role we, as women play in this whole process. I guess this is me saying that I am not willing to do it any longer. If my husband doesn't love me without a perfect body, then I am not the one with the problem and it is not the sort of love I desire anyway.

Just my 2c.