Another question to SO's

[KingofHearts]

Hey,

Once again, I feel that I could use the insight of SO's on something. I will be talking to QoH about this soon as I'll be calling her in about an hour, but I feel like I could use some outside advice. The reason I say this is that while I do need to be open and tell QoH what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, etc. I can't expect her to deal with my issues. It's not her job and she has her own problems she needs to focus on. I'm sure we will discuss this at some length, but I feel that the opinions of SO's who aren't directly involved could give me some fresh insight.

My issue is this:

6 months ago I resolved to completely remove P from my life. I've done this and I've done really well, which is great. It's also necessary, it's totally black and white. I've also made efforts to abstain from MB, and there are some very good reasons for this.

I used to MB habitually and routinely. I've read accounts of people doing it literally at any time in any place, which hasn't ever been the case for me, but I did find myself doing it pretty much every night and/or every morning in bed just because it was my morning/night routine as much as anything. Making an effort to abstain from MB has, I believe, broken me of that habit.

It's also an emotional crutch. People have a lot of ways to deal with certain things. I think MB used to be a way of me dealing with loneliness, for instance. I'm away from the woman I love nearly all the time, and it can be hard to deal with.

At the same time, I think MB damaged our love life when we are together. I think it caused me to be less responsive, and that's a bad thing. I will say right now that when I'm with QoH I don't feel the need to MB. It doesn't compete with her when I'm there. MB doesn't come anywhere near close to being with QoH, it never could. I still feel that habitual MB when I'm not with QoH takes away from how I am when I am with QoH, so obviously removing habitual MB from my life is as important as removing P.

I belong to QoH. My sexual energy belongs to her. That's how I feel on that matter.

That said, I don't have the moral compunctions I know some people do. I don't think MB, in and of itself, is morally wrong. I'm not religious, and I know a lot of people's compunctions with MB come from there. Also, since when I do have the urge to MB I'm thinking about the woman I love, so on that level at least it's not hurtful in the way that P is. P is absolutely, categorically wrong. MB, in the context I've stated, doesn't feel as wrong.

I also feel that me focusing on completely not MBing at all is perhaps unrealistic and is causing me to focus on it more than I otherwise would. I feel that if I took a more relaxed approach to it I wouldn't struggle with it or find myself doing it anywhere near as much as I used to, or even as much as I find myself tempted to now.

But then, am I just telling myself that?

The thing is, with any luck, 4 weeks from now this will all be pretty much moot. If my study permit comes through in time, I'll be physically with QoH in 4 weeks and MB just won't enter into the equation any more. If I should be completely abstaining from MB between now and then, then I will.

Anyway, I could really use some advice on this, or more specifically, the insight of SO's on how they feel on the matter. Maybe there's an important issue here that I've missed.

What I do know is, I yearn for QoH like crazy. I can't stop thinking about her. I pretty much torture myself, thinking about how much I want her when I can't be with her at this time. This is what causes me to want to MB, and why I ended up relapsing on it last night. I can't adequately describe just how she makes me feel. However, one day, relatively soon, I will be with her, and the memories and fantasies I have of her don't come even close to the reality.

So with that in mind, the question isn't just about MB. The question is, should I be refraining from fantasising about QoH to the point where I feel the need to MB? Obviously if I was just MBing or thinking about anyone else at all, that would be absolutely wrong, but I'm not. I'm thinking about the woman I love, the woman I want to be with. Should I be resisting that?

Thanks in advance for any insight anyone here can provide.

[NewHope10]

Hi KoH...

Its quite clear that you love QoH deeply. I've read your journal - and there is no doubt about that.

Now...I just read your post above - and didn't really know what to say. So...I tried to put myself in QoH's shoes...

If my H said that he MB and that he was only thinking of me and nobody else...I wouldn't believe a word he said. He's actually told me that in the past (in his days of using) - only for me to find out shortly thereafter that he had been looking at P all day long. Nope...he was not thinking about me at all. Too many lies over the years about this and everything else = complete disbelief.

Right now we are both obstaining from s3x (him because he's trying to rewire his brain and thoughts, as well as because of fear. Me...because of fear that he will start using again if we do. Its been just over 2 months since discovery). This also means he is not MB-ing.

Part of the "rewiring" his brain and thoughts is to stop fantasizing. My H can get so badly caught up on that...and he now knows that he was not living in reality when fantasizing - and, much like continued use of P...the fantasies would become more "graphic" and quite disturbed. He cannot be sober if he is still doing that. He cannot even afford to fantasize about me - because it would only lead to a much worse and dark place.

I do know that my H is trying to keep his mind pure. He doesn't allow his mind to go "in that" direction and if something creeps up...he quickly pushes it away. As far as I know, its working.

I don't know your history with this. I can only speak for what I understand and know of my H.

Right now, we are trying to rebuild our marriage and create intimacy (without s3x). This is important to both of us because we lost so much of everything in our marriage while he was using.

Anyway - I don't want to get off track, and I don't know if I am making any sense at all. I guess the bottom line is I cannot accept MB. Fantasizing and MB has been a huge part of my H's PA and, again, I wouldn't believe him if he said he was thinking only about me. If I could read his mind...then things would be different (I guess that's obvious).

I do hope you are able to find peace with this situation, KoH!