At it again.....

[Heavy Heart]

It seems every now and then i just need a little support from others who understand how i feel.....not a discussion you can have with friends or family is it!

Once again I have found sites on the computer that I wish I had'nt. It's a battle I don't think i can fight any longer. I love my husband, but with each 'finding', I find myself resenting him..possibly even pitying him. I fear his PA may have pushed me out of reach this time. We have been married 7 years and throughout that time every few weeks I find something that rips me apart. I just don't understand? I have tried every angle, taken lots of advice from TTF..but still he does it...is he really a lost cause? Should I just give up and walk away?

2 days ago was the latest find. I haven't told him that i saw what he had been searching for...but he knows..keeps asking what is wrong? Am I OK?...I keep telling him I am tired..and I am..tired of feeling like crap..tired of feeling ugly and old..tired of wishing I alone made him happy.

I dont deserve this..I know I dont...I'm really not sure what the future holds.

HH

[JenMac]

Hello HeavyHeart!
I am sorry you find yourself here again. So sad and overwhelming, isn't it?
I am not sure what you have tried from TTF but I know for me this site is a Godsend to myself and my H.
I also belong to Alanon, a support group for families and friends of alcoholics, for an problem unrelated to my relationship with my H.
I have learned many things from these two support groups. I am sure you have learned many of the same things during your time here at TTF.
I have learned to set my boundaries and to speak up for what I need. I have learned to let go and to not take on another's problems. I have learned that I didn't cause this and I can't control or cure it. I have learned to be kind and supportive. I have learned to look after myself first. I have learned I have choices to make and that I have the strength to make those choices. (I say I have learned these things but many of them I need to keep learning again and again.)
I, like you, told noone in my life about this. I didn't want their judgement or advice because unless they have walked in my shoes, they don't know how I am feeling. The people here know fully what I am feeling. I appreciate their advice and encouragement more than anything. I don't know where I would be without them! I have come to rely on them greatly!
I am glad you found your way back here HH! This is where you need to be!
Speak up for what you need from him, even if you feel you have done that in the past. Set your boundaries, express your feelings clearly, and look after yourself. You are what is important at this time!
Wishing you all the best HH!
Keep coming back!
Jenn

[astander]

Hi HH,

My husband and I have been married over 5 years, and I know exactly how you feel. I am just about fed up and not sure how everything will turn out. We have a 3 year old and another on the way, so I very much want to work this out for our children. Not sure if you have kids or not, but for me, if it wasn't for my son,we would probably be splitting up by now.

When you decide to stay, (at least for now), you really have to get your head around this idea that it's compulsive behavior that difficult to control. A friend of a friend told me once, "everyone has their own stories, but the patterns are all the same." And I think that's true.

In a way, that makes me sad, because I see people post here and it sometimes makes me want to leave now, becuase I don't want to live like this for years. But on the other hand, I know that deep down I can't take my son's father away from him, and I have to find a way to get through it.

It's strange, but even though I feel like the porn leaves me feeling the same way as if he was having an affair with some woman, if he was actually having an affair and wouldn't stop then I'd leave for sure. It's a really strange paradox.

Hang in there, I hope you find a way to cope this week.

[Heavy Heart]

Thanks for your support guys....It really does take the edge off the pain knowing that you are not the only one going through this.
I do have a child from a previous relationship..but she is old enough for me not to be keeping it together for 'the sake of the kids'....whick kinda makes it worse i think. I can walk away from this pretty damn easily...but I love him and I want it to work...I want him to stop as it really is his only flaw...that said...as i said earlier, each time I find something, I think part of that love dies...so maybe i should just let it run its course till the resentment reigns over the love?? When there is very little love and absolutely no trust then there really is nothing left to hold on to is there.?

[Cupcakemomma]

Heavy Heart,
I'm sorry you are so sad. I hope you know you deserve more. Please don't decide to just let it run out. That is not fair to you to have to suffer for as long as it takes. Just my own thought, but fighting gives me hope, and leaving would give me some freedom and relief but complacency might kill me.
Hope you can find something positive in today :)>:D<

[Life-lies-trust]

HH if you decide to stay AND he decides to change it is a hard road to walk. Is is better at the end I do not know for I am still walking the road. The first and foremost thing you must do is take care of yourself and voice how you are feeling and set your boundaries. You can NOT control the addict and you can not change the addict. Nothing you can do will change the addict. Only the addict can change the addict.

Hugs and chocolate for you.

[debv]

Hi HH. One thing I get from your post is that you need to tell him what you found. I know you've gone through it before, but you need to be honest with him about what's bothering you. Maybe writing a letter spelling out exactly how his porn use makes you feel would help either guide your thoughts in a conversation, or take the place of a conversation if you're too upset to have a conversation. As the others said, you also need to set boundaries. You cannot change him, but you can change what you will tolerate from him. A lot of SOs on this site have given their PAs ultimatums about what they will tolerate and what they will not as far as P use goes. I suggest you do the same, or you will indeed live like this forever.

[NewHope10]

Hi HH...

There is not too much to add from what the other SO's have said. Without them and TTF...I really wouldn't have known what to do.

I agree with what Deb and the other's have said above...tell him what you found.

I am one of those SO's who gave the ultimatum...within a couple of hours after this last discovery. It was the most difficult things I ever had to say to him (and one of the most difficult decision I had to make) - but I decided that I could no longer live this way - and I refused to live in misery for the rest of my life. I decided I would no longer enable my H's PA.

I needed to make a choice. Either stay with my H and just "live" with him "using", and keep "discoverying" over and over again - or - leave and gain back my strength and dignity back...and find happiness. What was decided (what my H decided) was that he needed help and the "methods" he tried in the past just did not work. He chose "us" (and, more importantly, himself).

Now...we are both working on this together. He has joined SAA (hopefully some day he will join TTF) - and he is really working his program. I am supporting him throughout his recovery - while we are both working on our marriage. Not too mention...I'm in the midst of my own healing.

I can totally relate to your feeling of losing respect/love for your H every time you found something. I felt the same way. The good thing is that should he decide to get help...the respect and love can come back...it can be rebuilt. That's what is happening for me, anyway.

I'm pleased you found your way back to TTF. It is a God-send for me as well. You are not alone in this! Keep coming back!