The Emotional Rollercoaster

[lostsoul]

It's about a month since I found this site. In that time I've tried to find a local group for SO's with out any luck. This site has saved by sanity more than once and just knwoing I'm not alone is so very important to me. In my search for a local group (a meeting that does not require almost three hours to get there) I decided to check-out CODA and Al-Anon. From this I've been so very foutunate in finding someone who is willing to halp me start a group. I've always found that if what I'm searching for is not available, then I'll make it myself. In this instance I've been blessed with support and encouragement of other people.

So why am I writing this post? Well, first it's to own-up to the awful day I'm having. Next, it's to say thank you to everyone who posts on this site. Thank you all so very much! (I really wanted to type that in block capitals, shout my thanks out loud. But...can someone tell me what the emotocon%-( means? I think it looks like "I don;t want to hear this, or I'm not listening!) I know I'm digressing, avoid in what's going on here..Honestly, when I read of SO's and their PA's who post on here, communicating with each other I have a range of responses. I want to thank those couples who do this because it lets me know there are people who are committed to each other and taking the difficult steps needed to heal. I want to thank the other SO's for sharing their feelings and letting me know I am not alone - even if there are times when I think and feel I am. I want to thank the PA's who post here because what they post tells me there are PA's who want to heal, who are genuine in their ownership of the hurt they have caused and their efforts to make ammends. Presently, I find I'm stuck in grief. I don't seem to be able to stop crying or feeling as if I've been winded.

I just want to move on and I think my PA is not serious about getting help. As far as I know he has never addressed his addiction. He does not share what he's doing about it or if he's still actively using P. It's not that I don;t think he's doing anything, it seems to me that his entire life has been one long shameful secret and he is now attempting to undo the habbits of a lifetime. This is no doubt, the most difficult thing he has attempted. As far as I know he hasn't found a group because he believe his sexuality is 'different' from everyone else's. I have told him many times that for me, this is not about his sexuality, it's about trust, honesty, respect, all of which combime to let me make an informed choice. He has denied me a choice about being in this relationship because he has not been honest with himself, therefore he cannot be honest with me. (Why does this feel like the ramblings of a demented soul? Answers on a postcard please..) Today, I don't know if I'm angry or impatient for change. Maybe it's both. I wanted us to go into an SA/S-Anon type group. It would appear that these groups are not easy to find and when they are, my PA appears to be looking for excuses not to 'fit' with the group. This makes me think he is not serious about getting sober/well. My primary motivation for going into group is to heal myself. Next, I wanted us both to be in group so that if the relationship ends, it can end in a clean way. This morning was distraught for both of us. He says he knows he is toxic and he is ashamed of his behaviour and treatment of me. I told him I feel like I cannot stop hurting. Finally, in my rambling I'm getting to the heart of the matter and beginning to form my questions . How can I know, believe and feel he is making amends if he does not share his recovery plan and his journey with me? Perhaps it is not sharing that creates the emotional rollercoaster effect. Anyone got anything to share on this?

Once again, my great, big thanks to everyone out there. I might not post very ofter, but the support I get from this site is invaluable

P.S. Is there a spell checker on this thing>

[Hopeful]

Hi LostSoul

All of your feelings are normal and it"s a terrible place to be. The only advice I have to give you is if your H will read the book "Every Mans Battle" by Fred Stoeker.

When my H read it he would have to put it down because it would hit him so hard just how it described himself and how he treated me. It was a real eye opener for him to see what kind of man he had turned into. Although tough for him to accept all of that I do believe it was a major point in his recovery.

Other members have suggested "The Porn Trap". We haven't read that one yet but they all seem to find it vital to recovery too.

Good for you starting your own group!! That's great!!

Good luck~

[lostsoul]

Hello Hopeful
and thank you for making my feelings 'usual' under these circumstances. BYW, I recognise you Ben Franklin quote - it's one I often say to myself, especially now :)

We have a copy of The PT and thanks for the suggested additional reading, it's new to me. I've read quite a bit of The Betrayal Bond , recently finished Claudia Black's Decieved. Painful though it was, I got a great deal of support from it. Strange how reading something 'painful', is simultaneously comforting, rather like this site! It was also where the imputus came from to begin forming a group - thanks for your encouragement too.

[JenMac]

HI LostSoul!
I am glad you are still here and finding this site helpful! It can truly be a Godsend for us, especially when we are experiencing that emotional rollercoaster!
I belong to Alanon and I am so thankful for my program within that group! I belong due to a prior series of events in my life that have nothing to do with my H or P. However, I am so grateful that I had the experience within that group before this situation came about. It gave me the tools I would need to deal with this as well as the past situation. So, I enourage you to continue to pursue this.
As for your questions about your H's recovery, I believe you need to be able to see and feel your H's progress for you to feel you can trust in his committment to recovery. Without that how are you supposed to feel safe within this relationship? Do not feel shy about telling your H what you need in order to heal. Do not be afraid to ask for what you need to feel safe and loved. Alanon will teach you that you cannot control another person but you can make changes within yourself. They will encourage you to set boundaries, to decide what you will accept and what you will not. They will also teach you that you can begin to heal whether the addict is on a path to recovery or not. You can become stronger and part of that is deciding for yourself what it is you can live with and what you cannot. I have witnessed many who have come through h3ll and out the other side so much stronger and happier. Some remained in their relationships, some did not. But they are all in a better place now than they were before.
I think the emotional rollercoaster is there regardless but perhaps more if we cannot see progress within our Hs. I do believe, however, that it comes in stages for them as it does us. It takes time before they (and us too) can truly understand and the enormity of all of this and what depths we need to go to to learn to communicate and heal from this.
Wishing you well LostSoul!
Jenn

[lostsoul]

Hi Jen, many thanks for your support - goes without saying, eh? I think I'm impatient for change today and the no sharing is most likely the source. I don't feel we've start anything close to recovery - we are doing the research before writing the proposal. I'm beginning to realise, respect and acknowledge that he and I are in very different emotional places and stages. This is making me aware of the differences in our families. We are from the same culture, however our family sytems are very, very different.

[JenMac]

"I don't feel we've start anything close to recovery - we are doing the research before writing the proposal."


I don't know about you LostSoul, but I knew right away that I could not live with this in my life. I told my H that the day after discovery. I also told him I was not sure we would make it through this. I was dead serious when I said that. We have been married for over 30 years so that was a huge statement for both of us when I said it and he realized that I meant what I was saying.
I knew that I could not live within a relationship in which I felt lessened, uncared for, unsafe.
I believe that PAs are not thinking clearly when they are still in the midst of the addiction, that they are not able to begin to think clearly until they have stepped away from it for a while, long enough to clear their head. But the shock of what I told my H, made him go into a panic mode trying to save our marriage. Once he was away from it he was able to begin to see it for what it was, for how it had affected him, me and us. I believe it all comes about in stages and those stages are different for all of us. My H was not into this as long as others and that may have some influence on his recovery time, I feel.
Our families are very different as well, the expectations of boys vs. girls was especially different on his side as opposed to mine.
I am sorry you are feeling disconnected from your H. That is an uncomfortable feeling for sure. I hope it improves soon!
Jenn

[debv]

I know the roller coaster ride all too well. Good days, bad days, love, hate, disgust, sympathy. Up and down, faster and slower... Very tough on body and soul. I hope you can find emotional support here. We've been through it, we know.

[mell]

Lost Soul,

I was very moved by this post. It brough back a lot of memories from my past.

There is shame, on his part. We do not wish this on our SOs. We just want to go on without getting caught. There are a ton of excuses......red blooded man, everyone does it, they're not real, it isn't cheating. It's all BS. There is the 'it will never happen again' promise, BS.

Your H has to:
1 Admit to his problem
2 Be accountable to you
3 Seek recovery

In the past, I have started recovery, did the minimums to appease my wife, and then after a while, got right back on the P. It doesn't work without support and accountability. If he is not willing to do either of these, then you have a decision to make.

The most common 'normal' recovery pattern is: PA seeks help for him/her self. SO does the same. Together, they work on their mutual recovery and relationship.

Would H be willing to come here and view some of the PAs journals? That would be a big help if he thinks he doesn't have a problem.

You have an amazing support team here. These SOs are strong and they know how and when to lean on each other. I'm glad you are finding some of that support here now.

My best wishes to you.

-Mell

[Life-lies-trust]

Lost there is also a international group called recovering couples anonymous. Their website has been helpful with resources for trying to heal the relationship, but BOTH parties must put 100% into the work. Yes the addict is accountable and responsible. There are also some phone and web group meeting too.

Hugs and chocolate for you.(choc)

[lostsoul]

Dear All

your support brings tears to my eyes. Knowing that somehwere out there people are reading and responding to my pain with such compassion and understanding gives me hope, courage and fellowship. Knowing there are people who have walked in these shoes gives me a feeling of support and validates my feelings..

Thank you each and every one.
LS.