"It isn't about you"

[heavysigh]

I'm sick of hearing this. I understand the point. I didn't CAUSE this and I'm not the reason he continues to use but I feel like this sentence is used to shut me out.

It's not about you so don't ask questions
It's not about you so why are you still upset
It's not about you so why are you checking up on me?

With my H everything seems to get twisted around and I am not smart enough to catch it. At least not at the time. I end up feeling stupid that I AM still upset when this has nothing to do with me.

It has everything to do with me when he chose to keep using in our marriage. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it but he brought me into it.

[Crisodian]

heavysigh,
I've ridden the same emotional carousel. A quote by another member immediately comes to mind :

The addiction is his, the marriage is still ours

I'm concerned about these statements however.

1. It is very much about you. It's not your addiction, true. But it is still very much about you.

2. You have every right to be angry, hurt and the multitude of other emotions that come along with being the spouse of a PA. He can't tell you to get over it.

3. It's simple. Actions speak louder than words to us when we have no trust in our spouse. They broke the trust so we feel we need to be extra vigilant. He's going to have to accept that.

It sounds like to me that maybe he is not fully in acceptance of what his addiction is and what it has done to him and you and your life together.

HUGS to you. It's a challenge to get them to really "see" the damage this addiction causes.

Find peace,
~C~

[mell]

Heavysigh,

Hi. I'm a PA. I hope you don't mind me posting here.

I read some of your other posts. Sounds like this has been going on for a while now. A lot of the reasoning you are getting from your H sounds like typical stall tactics, just enough to get you off the subject.

Has he ever admitted to even having a problem? It doesn't sound like it to me.

Pardon me if I'm being too blunt here, but it seems that he thinks he can steam roll over you as he pleases.

You have to give him an ultimatum. You or P. He has to have a desire to get rid of this problem and it is not acceptable to use childhood issues as a justification. I had many childhood issues myself, that doesn't give me a free pass to hurt my wife, my chidren, or myself.

There are many strong SOs here who will give you advice and help you along your path. You're not stupid, don't even think that. You have every right to be upset, hurt, and angry. You are an equal half of a union in marriage. I wish you the very best.....for you.

-Mell

[debv]

It is entirely about you, even if you didn't cause it. You are the spouse, you want it to stop, and even if he doesn't admit to having a problem, he should stop to please you, because you're his wife. I know for an addict it's not as easy as that, but it sounds as though he's not even trying. That is unacceptable, or at least it would be to me. My H quit as soon as I found out, kicking and screaming (literally screaming) to be sure, but he quit. If he hadn't I'd have been gone. If he relapses, I'm gone. Period, end of story. He knows where I stand. Your H has to know where you stand and that's you're serious too. I agree with Mell, you need to take a stand for yourself and give your H an ultimatum. Read the thread "is it infidelity." It's my H who posted the long quote from the other forum about how yes, it is in fact cheating. It is. No question. Would you stay with a man who kept having s3x with other women even when you found out and asked him to stop? Because that's what you're doing by staying with a man who's keeping using P. (If you would stay, more power to you, I don't have that level of commitment or forgiveness or whatever it would take to stay under those circumstances.)

You need to do what's right for you. Because it is, indeed, all about you, even though you didn't cause it and it's not your fault.

[Life-lies-trust]

The addiction is about him and his issues but he drug you into it with his actions. Yes only he can fix himself but the marriage and relationship has to be a partnership or there is nothing there. Believe me in this I have tried to hold my marriage together for 30 years with my H hidden deep secret that he kept and used against me without my knowledge or consent. I have hear the same lines that you are hearing. Call him on it and tell him you are tired of the BS and lies.

The addict will do the most amazing amount of lies to keep getting their high. They are REALLY REALLY Good at making everyone else look to be in the wrong. Do not let him sidestep you. If you need tell him time out and go think then go back and talk to him. You are a good person who deserves to be treated with honesty and respect.

Hugs and chocolate for you.>:D<