How do you feel about your PA being here...

[NewHope10]

I posted this same question on the Questions to PA's portion of the site - but I would like to pose it to their SO's as well.

How do you feel about your spouse being here? Is it difficult for you to be honest with how you are feeling and what your thoughts are?

Very curious. I think some day I would like my H to join (if he would be willing to do so). But - I also have to have good intentions about it as well. I'm not sure if I am ready for him to join right now. I'm too new - and I might have "motives" (like the snooping factor). I think I would have to be ready for it myself.

Maybe he will. Maybe he won't. I'll broach it with him when I feel my motives are in the right place - and then leave the ball in his court.

If any of you could let me know how it was/is for you...I would really appreciate it.

[debv]

When my H was here, I stayed away from his journal. I think I read and posted in it once and he got upset, I don't remember. But I know for the most part I stayed away from his journal.

My H read most or all of the stuff I posted. He got very upset about some of it, and we got into arguments in my journal. I think he deleted the worst of it, but I left the site for several months because I felt like I couldn't safely share what I was feeling here. (ETA, that's when he left the site, too.)

The complete openness of this site is completely different than more closed communities like LiveJournal, or even Facebook, where you can screen who can and who cannot see your posts. This is an open, public forum, and anyone can read what you write. We all have some level of anonymity here, but people who know us and know we use this site can pretty easily find us, find our posts, and learn an awful lot of things. An awful lot. It's something to keep in mind here (as though I follow my own advice - I don't.) :-o

[Crisodian]

I posted this is response to your other question because somehow I missed this one :D

NH,
I think, just like anything else in recovery, there has to be an understanding between the couple. AG and I made some agreements when we both became active.

1. His recovery and my recovery were two separate things. If I vented or ranted in my journal, or to another SO, or if he posted something in his he knew would be upsetting to me, we agreed not to use it against one another. Discuss it, yes. Beat each other over the head with it? No.

2. This is an outlet for both of us. He needed to feel like he could be free to say or post whatever he wanted or needed without my "censoring" him. Same with me. So, while there have been a few things the both of us have talked about together, and the occasional disagreement over how each one of us sees/reads a post, TTF has become a jumping off point for discussion for us. It's actually built a really good foundation for discussing PA recovery for us. Even AG's therapist has been very pleased with us working together here at TTF, instead of us seeking recovery apart.

Sometimes it helped AG and I be even more honest with each other. By that I mean, when we were talking about his PA and my emotional state, there were times that either he or I had said something here on TTF, that either was not made clear in face to face communication, or not yet discussed in face to face conversation... So there were some great conversations that started with ..."Hey I saw what you posted on TTF..."

There were also a few times that I was angry or hurting when I sent AG off to go PM someone he could talk to instead of emotionally puking all over him. I have done the same. BUT... after the fact we always were honest with each other that we had done so. (Keeping secrets was what got us in this mess in the first place, right?) So we set that boundary for ourselves when we started using TTF in the very beginning. :)

I understand Mell's perspective, but I disagree. I think the SO and PA should join close to the same time. A.) It gives the SO a place to seek support in her time of need and for her emotional needs, B.) It gives the PA a place to build a solid foundation of support for themselves and C.) It gives each of them the ability to "see" what is happening in the mind of the other when communication is still raw and can be difficult.

When a couple is committed to recovery together, and use a shared resource, such as TTF, there has to be open communication between the couple about each's expectaions, boundaries, and limits. IMO, neither partner should feel like they can't be completely open and honest because that is counter-productive for everyone's recovery. And, while I understand it can be hard for PAs to read about their partner's emotional state, they need to undertsand it without being agressive, over-reacting, threatened or bashed. On the other side, the SO needs to understand their PA's struggles, urges, triggers and what they are going through without over-reacting and lashing out. It works both ways.

Just my opinionated 2 cents :)

Peace,
~C~

[Sonomette]

I am happy he's here, and in fact, he directed me to this site.

Of course, we're a bit odd in the way that neither one of us has a problem saying what is on his/her mind regarding the other one. If I was shy about him knowing what I thought, perhaps I would think twice.

I'm glad you want your motives to be good ones. It's a very good sign. :)

[JenMac]

Hey NH!
I found this site first and then invited my H to join. I think I am always aware of the fact that he will be reading what I write but I still try to be honest with what I say. I always try to say what I mean but in a positive or at least a non-threatening way but that is how I am anyway. Even in what I post to others or myself. I usually start with what I am feeling and then try to turn it around to what I hope to achieve, my goals, so to speak.
I find that this works wonders for me! I know also, for Mac, that he can feel somewhat shattered at the start of my posts but be uplifted by the end.
I am delighted that each of us are here and can receive support from the membership here. I have found it extremely helpful in relation to our healing individually and as a couple!
We will keep coming back, hopefully for a long time to come!
Jenn

[NewHope10]

This has been so very helpful, ladies!

I spoke to my H last night about it. I encouraged him to start by reading through the site. I told him that I would like it if he were to join.

I told him that I keep a journal here and if he were to join, that I wouldn't sensor my entries. That I will be honest with whatever I write in my journal and in my responses to others. I have to - because I believe that getting things out of my head and into the "open" here is really helping me. Its like...once its "out there" - its no longer swirling around in my head. PHEW...its actually a relief!

Its also a relief when I see that others feel (or have felt) the very same way, and they have shared their experiences.

I explained to my H that right now we both retreat to our own healing. He goes one way and I go the other. But - I really believe that we also need to come together in healing. I think that if we are both here on TTF, that (among other things for us personally) it would foster more communication between us.

So - like I said, I've encouraged him to come here and read. I cannot force him to join, I know that. He is going to consider it. He knows that a lot of work needs to be done - and he said he's willing to do whatever it takes.

Thanks again, my TTF friends!

[froggy]

I showed my BF this site when we were going over what we had each been doing separately to learn about PA.

I told him I thought he would really like it because he is not a religious person and this is one of the few resources we have found that doesn't make religion its main point.

I told him this morning, I think, I joined and had made a few posts, and told him I think we could get a lot out of it. He said he wanted to join and probably will tonight.

I am excited about it!

[Cupcakemomma]

My 2 cents: Now that BF has signed up, I'm kinda nervous, but excited at the same time. I'm nervous because we don't really get into deeper feelings right now, as our communication is rocky when things get emotional (work in progress, I know, I know) But I re-read my journal entries and even though I know some of it might be surprising/shocking to him, there isnt much that I would regret saying. I just hope he can gain an understanding of the inner workings of me, and I of him :)

[Crisodian]

CM -
That is one really strong part of sharing TTF with your BF/H/Partner. Sometimes when verbal communication is a challenge, reading what is on each other's mind and about how each other is feeling, helps fill the gap and opens up new avenues of real, open communication. AG and I both found that to be invaluable for us.

Peace,
~C~

[artguy34]

CM,

Not only did it open up avenues for Crisodian and I to communicate, it also gave us a chance to initiate conversations. And for a PA, that is very tough for us to do. But once we lose the "shame" and open up, good, positive conversations were had.

I hope your BF joins TTF so he can gain valuable insight into how damaging being a PA is.