Help...Need advice: Discovered another lie

[NewHope10]

Hi everyone. I wonder if any of you can give me advice about what to do.

Have any of you - after your PA "confessed" - found out more lies afterwords?

Last week I posted that I asked my H (a PA) to tell me everything he has been involved in. In my post I said that I thought he was being truthful - only now discover he was not.

Firstly - I think he down played a few things. Secondly, I asked him a direct question: did you become a member of anything?

He said "no". He told me a couple of sites where he went on as a "guest", but he never became a member.

As I've been think oh so much these days - I decided to look on one of the sites he mentioned and...voila...you have to JOIN AND BECOME A MEMBER in order to look at or do anything!

Really...why would I expect anything different from someone who has been lying and sneaking around for so long?

Has this happened to anyone and if so...what did you do?

I would greatly (really greatly) appreciate your experience!

[Crisodian]

NH,
If this helps any, AG and I went through what I like to call a discovery process. And, it was NOT a good thing.

I confronted him one night about what I had found that afternoon on the computer. (Mind you, he was in the middle of using when I confronted him.) The first night was full of partial admissions. Of course at the time I didn't realize that. Then the NEXT night I made MORE discoveries (live chat logs, video, etc. etc.) and really hit the roof. I demanded he come clean about everything or I was going out the door with our kids. [And to be clear about my frame of mind at the time, I already planned a route I was going to drive to get to my parents home 2300 miles away, what I was going to need to bring with me, and how much it was going to cost me. I was going to leave it to HIM to tell my employer why I packed and left in the middle of the night. ]

And so, to a point he came clean about everything.

But that being said, when I asked for all the sites, all the logins, all the emails, all the "everything" because I needed that to get my head around the scope of his addiction....

WOW.

Not really an apropriate reaction but there was soooooooo much more than I had realized. When I confronted him with all the new found accounts, and the true depth of his addiction, he admitted there was more than even he had ever remembered.

So, while I understand your hurt and pain at the new discovery, you need to ask for an explaination. You have a right. But, that being said, don't be surprised if he says he really doesn't remember.

AG's therapist explained the P-use haze really well and shared with us that AG may never remember every image, every site, every P-thing he did. It was as if he was on auto while he was surfing and using... looking for the next fix... and in doing whatever (signing up, provinding details, etc.) to get that fix, he may never recall every detail. Kind of like an alcoholic not remembering where they got each and every drink.

By no means am I sharing this as a justification for your H's omission and lies. Those are his own burdens to carry and explain to you. You deserve the truth from your H. Nothing less.

But I did want to share my experience with you. Hopefully it helps you on your road to healing.

Peace,
~C~

[NewHope10]

Thank you so much, Cris! I really do appreciate you sharing your experience with me. The way you described the "P-Haze" is the way my H described it too. So - as soon as I read that in your response...that's exactly what he told me.

Well...I confronted him this evening - even before I read your reply. Probably not the best time to confront as he was going to his first "meeting". I know it may have been selfish for me to do it then - but other than this site...I do not have any support group.

Yup...he lied again. Oh...he admitted to joining up on sites (only after I told him that I "know"...that's the way it ALWAYS is. I have to "catch" him). But somehow he "forgets" the login ID's and passwords. Why do I know that's a lie? Because in a few sentences later he said he went on to all of those sites and deleted all of them last week. Very convenient. He remembers everything last week - but forgets today? I don't buy it.

That realization just actually hit hit me now. Sometimes it takes me a while to think about it. I'm pretty intelligent though. It may take me a while - but I get it eventually.

When I confronted him about it...he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He looked terrified. I didn't freak out or anything like that. I was actually quite calm about it. I surprised myself. I think I felt sorry for him too. Isn't that odd???

I really don't know what I am going to do now. He's trying to cover up his tracks and it makes me feel like he's just trying to get away with it. And...I guess he is.

I have some thinking to do. As long as I know he hasn't been honest about everything...I don't think I could ever trust him again. If he just fesses up to it all...one feel swoop - then at least its not a long, drawn out "death" for me (for lack of a better term) and I don't have to keep confronting him with things.

So...here we go with choices. Do I just accept what I've been told thus far and forget about all the untruths/lies/coverups...or do I not accept it all? Right now...I don't accept it. If that goes on for too long...then I have another choice to make.

Either way...I will be okay.

Thanks again, Cris. It really does help when someone else has gone through it too.

[Crisodian]

NH,
What is boils down to in a nutshell is what do you need to heal? How much detail do you need? Do you need it all? (I did!) There are others who don't. You need to decide what is right for you.

If you need it all to heal, then, make it clear you will accept nothing less. And if he persists in not coming completely clean? Then, you are right. You most definitely have a choice to make. And only you an choose what is best for you to help you heal.

Find peace,
~C~

[JenMac]

HI NH!
As I spoke of in my PMessage to you, I believe it is a process. It sometimes takes a while for them to own up to everything. Sometimes it may be out and out lying for the purpose of protecting themselves and perhaps even us from the truth. Sometimes it may be as Cris said, that they may not remember every detail of what went on. I do believe they remember what stage this led them to though. Mac has expressed that he was trying to do damage control and so he was only admitting to a certain point. It took a lots of discussion and learning before we learned to share and we are still learning. Do we ever know everything? I doubt it. How could we? But the various levels they took themselves to, the different activities they were involved in, I believe they need to come clean on. Some come to this more willingly than others, it seems.
I am sorry you are experiencing this. It is very early in your discovery stage. It is a difficult transition time.
Some positives, you are feeling strong and know you will be okay! Your H is going to his first meeting which shows he is wanting to make steps to recover from this addiction.
For myself, I chose to give myself time. Time to make no decision, that was my choice. You are the only one who can choose for yourself.
...thinking of you...
Jenn

[NewHope10]

Boys, Cris...I seem to be thanking you a lot! But thank you again.

Yes...I, like you, NEED to know it all. That is what I need to help me heal. I know this.

I also know that I cannot "make" him be honest with me. So - I will lay it all out there, like you did. And then make my decision.

I told him at the beginning of our relationship...if you want to lose me - then lie to me.

I've put up with sooooooooo may lies (untruths, ommissions, etc.) - but there comes a point when I throw up my hands and say "That's it...I'm not going to live like this anymore".

I was going to post in my journal this evening...but I think I just made my daily journal in this thread. I am completely spent.

[Crisodian]

NH,
You hit the nail on the head spot on. You are part of the marriage. It's your life to. It's about what you will and won't accept in your life, in your home, for your family. He has to accept not only his responsibility for his addiction, but its impact on you. Both are key to moving forward.

Peace,
~C~

[NewHope10]

For myself, I chose to give myself time. Time to make no decision, that was my choice. You are the only one who can choose for yourself.
...thinking of you...
Jenn

Many thanks, Jenn! Oh yes...even though I know what I "need" to heal (truth and honesty)...I will give it some time. You are right. What I've done in the past is that I've made a decision so quickly...because the heartache was too much to face and bear and work through. I "ran" instead of heal.

I am learning a lot about myself. So...I will take the time and face my hurt and hearache and fear and pain. I will heal MYSELF...instead of running the opposite direction. But...in order for me to get through this...I need to know it all. I will communicate this with my H.

There will come a point in time though. I guess everyone has their "point in time", eh?

Yes...H has gone to his first meeting. In spite of everything I've said here...I really am proud of him for doing that. He was really nervous about it and I started crying tonight. I cried because I'm sad for him and I'm sad for me. I'm sad for us. But happy that he's getting help.

Okay...over and out. I really am spent now! :D

[debv]

I've been there with the lies, the omissions, the stretches of the truth, the "I don't know"s and the "I don't remember"s. Sometimes it felt like talking to my 11 and 13-year-olds about who ate the last poptarts without putting the box in the garbage. I don't know, I don't remember, it wasn't me! Aaaargh.

For me and DW, it took months for the truth to come out, and I'm still (after 10 months) not sure I have it all. I'm not sure I have enough, yet, either. I still want to know what the MySpace page with the fake name, real age and location, and single status was used for. Because the answer was again like a teenager making bad excuses for bad decisions - I don't know, I didn't use it, I just wanted to see what it was about since everyone else was doing it, I didn't like it so I never really used it. Yeah, OK, right.

The lies are infuriating, and they're still getting in the way of my recovery. I can't believe anything he says, I can't believe that his actions reflect his true feelings, basically I know he was living a lie for 14 years and continued to lie to me outright for several months after he quit P (and I do believe he's done that) and I have no reason to believe that he's being truthful now. Mind you, he has a history throughout our relationship, even before the P, of being controlling, and so I am viewing everything through the haze of believing that he's doing what he needs to do and saying what he needs to say to stay in control of me and the situation, and that as soon as I let my guard down he will too, and he'll stop doing and saying the right things and everything will spring right back to where it was for the 14 years he was using.

[NewHope10]

and that as soon as I let my guard down he will too, and he'll stop doing and saying the right things and everything will spring right back to where it was for the 14 years he was using.

Wow, Deb...I have to wonder if others feel this way too. I know I do...that if I let my guard down - that he will go back to the way things were. Right now, I feel like I've got to be on the "alert" - eyes peeled...ears ready to pick up something that doesn't sound right...mind analyzing everything.

You ladies were just so wonderful responding to my post...and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I wanted to give you an update...

My H came back from his very first meeting last night. We chatted for about 10 minute and then I went to bed (it was late).

The alarm sounded off at 3:50 this morning. The bed hadn't been slept in (by my H). I found him in the office reading one of the books he got at his meeting. He looked wrecked. He looked shaken. He looked defeated.

With tears in his eyes, he said that he cannot lie anymore - and that he had lied to me. He said that he cannot keep holding onto the lies...wondering when the next time I'd catch him in one, and have it all start over again. He said he really does want to start with a clean slate and the only way of doing that is by telling me the truth.

He told me about the sites he joined up on. All the other P sites were free, but he did become a member of a couple of other sites. He told me his screen names. He told me about the secret email account. He told me that there is one site that he cannot access from work so that he could delete his account, and he asked me if I would this evening. I told him I would and I will get the passwords to the others as well.

I said that it meant a lot for him to come clean with me. I explained to him the way I felt...about it being a slow, agonizing "death" for me not knowing...wondering...worrying (etc., etc., etc.).

He's NEVER come clean with me EVER. Do I have all of the truth? Lord only knows...but this step is HUGE. And I appreciate just how difficult that was for him to tell me. It was a very emotional morning for both of us.

I have to thank you again, ladies. For giving me the support and the advice (and the courage) that I so desperately need...that I cannot get from anywhere else.

I am grateful...for you!