How did you communicate with your PA?...

[NewHope10]

I'm having a very difficult time communicating (or...even wanting to communicate) with my H (who is a PA).

"Discovery" was 5 days ago (me finding out from computer...not by him telling me). We have talked only a little. He seems very uncomfortable with me being on a support site (that's my guess from his reaction - not that he's said anything). I was honest with him by telling him that I joined a site.

There is a lot of silence in our home. I'm to blame for that as well. Guess I'm still shocked and angry. I know he is embarrassed.

I know he doesn't want to talk about his PA and his/my feelings all the time.

My question to all of you is - did this happen in your home (silence...not communicating)? Is there any advise you can share?

I am just feeling soooooooooooooo FRUSTRATED today!!!

[Crisodian]

NH,
After a few nights of a LOT of yelling, crying, all out verbal warfare, yep, the silence setteled in for a bit. I was so angry I couldn't speak to my H without being down right nasty, and he wouldn't talk because he was hurting and embarresed. I think it's a bit of a phase we all go through in recovery.

The key is not to let the silence continue. Once the silence has started, the focus needs to become useful, open, meaningful, communication.

A few keys that helped AG and I:
1. Don't let the silence become another wound. In other words, don't let the silence cause more harm than good.

2. Don't be afraid to start the conversation, but don't let it always be you. By that, I mean communication is a two way street. If you are always chasing him to start the conversation, it becomes more a hinderance than a help. I had it out with AG a few times ove this issue. He finally got it. It took a while though.

3. Guys don't do well when they are put on the spot when it comes to emotional conversations. [Sorry PAs, but you don't :)] Try giving your H a few questions you would like him to discuss with you ahead of time and then asking him to speak with you about them at a time you and he decide. For example, "I really need you to tell me [insert topic here]. Think about it, and let's talk about it tomorrow night when {kids are in bed, work is done, over dinner....whatever works for you as a couple.}" Setting up a topic to discuss and a time frame may seem a little "scheduled" but it helps to get the conversations going. In time, you should no longer need to schedule a conversation. :)

Hope this helps.

Find peace,
~C~

[JenMac]

Hi NeedHope!
Me again! I hope you are not disappointed!
5 days. I can honestly say that for the first 5 days, there was very little communication happening between us. I do remember that on the Friday night I had pulled up an interview on the internet by Wendy Maltz about P addiction that I asked my H to listen to with me.
I remember using the computer to search out everything I could on this at that time. I remember my H downplaying it all and not really wanting to be part of any of the stuff I was digging up on the internet. He was also away with work during the first 2 weeks as well.
He has just told me today after reading your post that it is very hard to go back there. That reading something like your post takes him right back there and he remembers feeling very distraught and perhaps recognizes now that it was necessary for there to be time to just let it sink in, to let the hugeness of it just settle a bit before being able to deal with it. I think I would agree with that, for sure, for myself as well.
I remember those early days and the feeling of being so alone was so overwhelming, it hurt.
Advice? Time. And if you can find it within yourself, gentleness. You don't have to be accepting or even understanding but by being gentle, we can help our partners to be more forthcoming and honest, to be more open and understanding of the pain they have caused us. They need to see your pain, they also need to come to terms with where they have been but that will take time. I felt that regardless of whether my marriage survived or not, this was a man I considered my best friend, a man I loved. I could see he was struggling, I could feel his worry and concern for me. I did not feel anger, I felt hurt and pain. I needed him to realize that. I believe if I had responded in anger, he would have responded in kind, and the feelings of despair I felt would have been lessened by the anger. I didn't know this at the time though, I was just relying on my feelings to guide me.
Every couple's journey is different, I can only relate what I felt in the beginning. Anger was slow to come for me, for others it was immense. Each story is different with it's own path and ending. I know for me, I just felt like I had to take a different approach than perhaps I had before. This time it felt different, I'm not sure why.
Hope this helps!
...take care of you...
Jenn

[NewHope10]

A few keys that helped AG and I:
1. Don't let the silence become another wound. In other words, don't let the silence cause more harm than good.

2. Don't be afraid to start the conversation, but don't let it always be you. By that, I mean communication is a two way street. If you are always chasing him to start the conversation, it becomes more a hinderance than a help. I had it out with AG a few times ove this issue. He finally got it. It took a while though.

3. Guys don't do well when they are put on the spot when it comes to emotional conversations. [Sorry PAs, but you don't :)] Try giving your H a few questions you would like him to discuss with you ahead of time and then asking him to speak with you about them at a time you and he decide. For example, "I really need you to tell me [insert topic here]. Think about it, and let's talk about it tomorrow night when {kids are in bed, work is done, over dinner....whatever works for you as a couple.}" Setting up a topic to discuss and a time frame may seem a little "scheduled" but it helps to get the conversations going. In time, you should no longer need to schedule a conversation. :)

Hope this helps.

Find peace,
~C~

Oh...that is very good advice, Crisodian! I have no problem starting a conversation with him. I know that there are times when I would like to talk about it more - but then don't because I think maybe I want to talk too much.

I really like your idea of setting up a topic to discuss. I actually REALLY like it a lot! Funny...I thought of doing that once this past week, but then decided against it because I was afraid that it would give him enough chance to think about how he could lie about the answers. But - after my conversation the other night with him - and what I felt were honest answers (as honest as he was being with himself at the time anyway), I think your suggestion is a very good way to go. THANK YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH!!! I am going to take your advice...rest assured!

[Life-lies-trust]

NeedHope,
You can not force him to communicate with you. You can let him know that the silent treatment is no acceptable and write him a list of what you want.

We started keeping a daily log of discussions. Just a check make to say that we did try. The topic can be anything but at least there is some communication. You have no control over him and whether or not he will be honest and open with you. You only have control over what you can do.

[NewHope10]

Hi NeedHope!
Me again! I hope you are not disappointed!

NOT disappointed at all, Jenn! I'm very thankful that you are here and willing to share!!!

For me...the other times I caught him - I "played" a more understanding role. Perhaps put a smile on my face - even though my heart was breaking. Gave him his "space" and didn't talk about it much.

This time around - I have found not only the hurt, but A LOT of anger! Anger at this darkness coming into our home once again - and anger that if he doesn't get help, it won't stop - and then I will have to take the necessary steps to ensure that my health and sanity and peace are taken care of. I'm angry that its started all over again. I'm angry at so many things...hurt like I cannot describe it...and so very scared at what the future holds!

I told him that although I may seem "distant" and upset and sad (and whatever)...that I still love him. Tonight I reached out to him and gave him a hug. Then hugged him again when he told me he would call into a meeting! He's on the phone right now at the meeting. I'm very proud of him for doing this!

Still...I am so very sad.

Thank you for sharing with me! You ALWAYS help me!!!

[Crisodian]

You're welcome. :)

Something else to keep in mind. As difficult as this sounds, watch your reactions to his honesty. Sometimes our PAs tells us things that are hurtful, hard to hear, infuriating, disturbing and so on. While the inital reaction may be one to lash out, try to remember to pause, take a breath before you respond. ( This took me a while to learn as AG will attest to. :D ) It's perfectly ok to be emotional and have emotional reactions, however when having a meaningful conversation early on in recovery, it's important to try to keep the conversations constructive and positive, without lashing out or retribution. And no matter how emotional, try to always end on a positive note. Even if it is simply to agree to disagree.

(As I type this I recall what I was like those first few weeks in recovery with AG. Yikes. I should have taken this advice then...LOL)

Anyway, pause before you respond. Take a breath and collect your thoughts before you react to the information. It helps keep the lines of communication open and keeps our PAs from shutting down when we react emotionally or in my case, any very over the top manner. :)

Good luck! I hope both of you find a path to peace.

~C~

[mell]

I hope you dont mind a PA jumping in here, if so just say the word.....

It is absolutely the hardest thing for me to talk to my wife about my addiction. I feel like a dog with my tail between my legs. I know she is hurt and don't take this the wrong way, but so am I. I am full of shame. I never wanted her to feel the way she is feeling. That being said, I am the one who put us both in this position and the only way I can get better is through honest and open communication.

I can't imagine the inner pain a SA experiences through this.

In my case, we are pretty quiet for a while, until we both settle down enough to talk about it. When that point comes we are both able to speak rationally. Support and accountability are both needed here. If it turns into a bashing (either way) talking becomes unproductive.

Thank you for the thread, I intend to keep viewing in order to help out my communication (initiation) with my wife.

[NewHope10]

Thanks Mel. Your thoughts and comments are most welcome! I think I need to know the PA's side/thoughts as well.


You mentioned "shame" - and that's exactly the word my H used. I think he is trying his best - but admits to not knowing how to communicate.

After I posted this question and read the reponses yesterday - I continued thinking about it. I came the the realization that I have started all (or...at least most) conversations with my H about P or any other topic os substance.

Now...for the longest time I know that I stopped communicating with him as well. For me - after so long of being the one to approach him to talk about anything with depth...I think what happened is that I gave up. Not consciously - but looking back now, I see it.

I think it was Crisodian that said that I should tell him that I need him to sometimes start a dialogue with me. And she's right.

I think - I just gave up trying. See where its lead us? I know its not my total responsibility to be the communicator of the two of us - and it only works if both is willing to communicate - but in addition to this...honesty is key. That's what I think anyway.

Anyway - just a little blurb from me this morning. I'm typing this on my way to work on the train - so please don't mind any type-o's. The blackberry sceen and keypad is small

I really appreciate everyone's response (from both sides). I am thankful to you..

[JenMac]

Hey NH!
Did you ever hear the saying Anger is hurt turned outward?
That is really what it is, I think.
For me, I didn't feel anger in the beginning at all. I felt almost despondant. I felt weak, like I had a blow to my whole being. Very tired.
For some reason, (perhaps prayer and I am not a strong religious person), I was able to discuss things reasonably with my H without any anger or emotional outbursts. This was not in the first couple of days though, things were very quiet then.
I suggested gentleness because I do believe that for communication to be ongoing there has to be a willingness on their part and if they sense anger from us that can only make it more difficult especially with all of the shame they are feeling, as Mell said.
I like Crisodian's idea of giving them time to gather their thoughts before expecting them to share. Another thing I found helpful was listening to information you can find on the computer, and listening to it together. I found radio broadcasts from the author of the P trap and she was very good, much gentler than the antiP stuff we have listened to since. She spoke about the addiction itself which was good.
By suggesting gentleness I am by no means suggesting downplaying or accepting! Quite the contrary. I feel by letting my H see my true emotional pain and how it affected my whole being, it had a greater impact than the anger. This was not planned by me, it just happened. He could see I was serious when I set my boundaries that I was prepared to leave our 30+ year marriage if he did not make a serious committment and take serious steps to show that committment. I believe this put us on a path to where we are today. I try to speak honestly about what I am feeling and I expect the same from him. It is still difficult at times and I know it will be difficult for some time to come. However we are working towards a deeper connection, I feel, so I am hopeful for the future.
Cris is right, communication is a 2 way street and you need to see him making efforts as well. That is very important! You should not feel like you are forcing him to talk to you or to seek help. He should come to realize that in order to save the life you have together that he is going to have to step up.
I hope you have a good day NH!
...thinking of you...
Jenn