Steve Jobs and "freedom from p-"

[zeus]

A few months ago (before my husband acknowledged he is a PA), it was widely reported in the media that Steve Jobs envisioned Apple product users being able to experience "freedom from p." Steve Jobs had gotten into an email exchange with a blogger who was challenging Apple's restrictive policies,etc. in the name of "freedom." This exchange was made public and really got me thinking.

Now, I know there's room for debate as to whether Apple is truly providing that freedom from p or just projecting an image of corporate responsibility, but nonetheless, the statement was really insipring to me. I realized that I deserved freedom from p, especially in own home.

In our house, I pay the bills for cable tv, internet, etc. I certainly don't have to pay to be subjected to the negative consequences of p. I took Steve Jobs' comments as a call to action. I immediately put a PIN code on the cable box/dvr to restrict adult content.

I attempted to install filtering software on the internet router, but found that AT&T's U-verse hardware makes this a more difficult undertaking than I had anticipated. As of now, we have filtering software on my husband's laptop. I never could get the right combination of settings on my AT&T U-verse setup to restrict the content at the point of entry, but I have not given up on that.

I hate the idea of p content wafting around through my home wirelessly, even if its blocked at the computer level. My home is supposed to be my sanctuary! The media and p industries need to do more to enable those who wish to have freedom from p to opt out from receiving that content.

[maggie]

Zeus..

You realize that this posting.... of and by itself.... taken completely out of context...

could end up being labled ' prudish ' ' puritanism '

I'm glad you state your goals and values clearly and honestly and that you have taken action in your own environment to stop the flow of garbage.

I have 3 sons, one is an adult, other 2 are teens, so I have to carefully walk the line of being ' a cool mom ' who isn't too strict or restricting.... and setting clear values.

Whew..it's a tough job. I have to be careful not to preach to them or reject their choices in entertainment etc.... but I really don't like or accept some of their music or movie choices.

[everlight]

I am not a fan of filtering software. When I first started at P as a young man, my parents put filters on the computer. I always found ways around them. There is so much P and so many keywords for it that no program can block it completely. That is the sad truth.

Rather than attempting to block it out, I would recommend that your husband try to confront the root of his PA. In my experience, PA came from habit and from an addiction to the type of lonely intimacy that P can give you. If you break those two things, I think PA can be broken. But it's a hard road.

The presence of children makes it more difficult. I was exposed to P quite young. But you deserve better than to be a gatekeeper for years and years. Hopefully you can get your husband to confront the root of the problem.

[zeus]

Wow. I thought that by posting on a message board for support for SO of PAs, I wouldn't be running the risk of being labeled as a prude or puritan...and by posting here I had placed my thoughts IN the proper context.

I have been completely liberal and permissive for way too long. Where did that get me? My husband didn't even try to touch me on our honeymoon, and he was actively looking at porn on our honeymoon even after I asked him not to and told him how it made me feel.

We don't have kids, so we don't have to navigate the issue of what's appropriate with them. I know that must be a difficult challenge.

[zeus]

Everlight-I agree that filtering software is not THE solution and that there will always be workarounds to get to the content that one is determined to access. We are working on getting to the root and its a pretty complex, deeply rooted problem. We are both in therapy and actively trying to resolve the real underlying issues. In the meantime, the software provides a small level of comfort to me. Luckily, I am more technically savvy than my husband, so I have a pretty good idea of which workarounds to look for. I certainly don't want to play the role of cop in this relationship long-term, but currently any trust between us is lost.

I wouldn't keep alcohol in a home shared with alcoholic, even though I know that alcohol is readily available everywhere else. It gives me some peace of mind and might make abstinence from alcohol a little easier on the alcoholic by not having it around.

[youngarmywife]

Let me preface this message, out of respect for zeus, I do NOT pay the bills in my household. Not even close. That being said...

I am extremely new at being the SO of a PA. My gut instinct so far has been not to filter or password anything. My PA has actually asked me to do so and I have declined. As I have spoken about in my latest journal entry, I am not interested in allowing him to quit the P and keep the addiction, which is what I'm trying to avoid there. I have, however, installed accountability software on the computer and do (constantly) confront him with the information that I gather from that source.

Everlight, zeus, and any other PAs or SOs -- Do you think that the use of accountability software, specifically, is appropriate within a marriage and constructive in the struggle with PA?

[zeus]

youngarmywife-
I am really new at the PA aspect of addiction, too. But other addiction issues I have a little more experience dealing with. And of course, ppl who don't pay bills deserve freedom from anything they find destructive as well. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. For me, I just felt paying for the p out of "my" money added insult to injury.
The software that we use does also provide web activity monitoring and I think its been valuable. We only installed it a few weeks ago after he first acknowledged a problem w PA. The first weekend thereafter,I was out of town and he was in the house by himself, I logged in and discovered he was searching out videos that were not p and did not contain nudity, but based on my knowledge of his preferences he would have been aroused by them. Also the "comment" section of the seemingly innocent videos was full of inappropriate comments.
The software told me he was blocked access 77 times to these videos in a couple of days and allowed access to similar content over 100 times in the same time period. That's problematic behavior to me.
For me there have been so many lies and manipulations to support a number of different addictions and so many broken promises to change, that I am willing to use any and every tool available to try to 1) curb the behavior and 2) get to the root of both of our issues that got us to this point 3) resolve those issues and finally 4) practice vigilance against relapse.

[youngarmywife]

Thanks for your reply, zeus. And I certainly agree with your comment about adding insult to injury, which is why I said what I said in regards to the bills.

[everlight]

Youngarmywife and Zeus -

I am sorry to hear about your situations. I don't have an SO or children so I can't imagine how hard it must be to finance PA.

As for your question about filters, the last time I used one was during the early days of my addiction over 10 years ago. So my perspective may not be best. I don't know if they've improved or not since then, but I found it relatively easy to get around. In my defense, I'm a tech-savvy guy (info science grad school) which you said your husband is not.

I'm glad you sought therapy - I'm a believer that it does help. I think it was Zeus that mentioned she couldn't get intimacy from her husband on their honeymoon. That to me says he has been a PA for a very long time. Often it starts at ages 10-12 if he's young enough, although I don't know your ages.

The intimacy that P gives is both artificial and addicting. I read two studies that showed that P is as addictive as cocain and that it also reduces desire for real life women. This is because it stimulates our brains in the same way as a drug. It is a solitary, selfish pursuit. You are not being replaced, the problem is that the PA has lost the battle with the addicting, toxic intimacy of P.

Aside from therapy, I think communication and therapy are the best remedies. Since the PA existed before you were in the picture, it isn't about you. I guess I would recommend staying supportive but assertive. Ask him to keep a journal or some sort of log of his usage like we do here; it's very effective. Tell him how much his PA hurts you and that intimacy from you as a real woman will be better than the intimacy P can provide. All of us PAs know this deep down. Another thing I would recommend is move the computer to a more public or open place. That makes looking at P feel much worse and it does work as a deterrent. No PA wants to get caught in the act.

This has most likely been a long term struggle for the PA in your life and it may take a long time to fully deal with. He'll thank you and love you more in the end for your support. If he can't and he wants to retreat into P intimacy, he's not ready for real intimacy.

[everlight]

Sorry to ramble but one more thing about filters: many P sites, in fact most of the free ones from my experience, use domain names and intro lines that are not necessarily sexual. Often times they are fairly random. I imagine this is a way for the people who make these sites to get around filters. For this reason if the PAs in your lives know about this the filters might be easy to get around, since they only filter sexual words to my knowledge. As an example, if you type in a variation of whitehouse.gov, you'll get a P site (sorry for triggering or possible linking).