A question to SO's

[KingofHearts]

I remember a while back there was talk of a seperate thread for questions from PA's to SO's but it was decided against, that said I have a dilemma which I believe can only be answered by the insight of SO's. So please, if any SO's can give me some help with this I'd really appreciate it.

The biggest problem, the reason most of us are here, has arguably more to do with issues with honesty and openness that it does necessarily with addiction, specifically, at least when it comes to people who are trying to salvage relationships. Speaking for my own experience, I've managed to go very nearly 100 days now without slipping into P use, in fact I've not caught myself struggling with any real urges in that direction. I've had to decide to be clean, and that's basically been that. In terms of MB, the first time I slipped into MB I told QoH straight away and she was very understanding indeed, the second time I didn't tell her until several days after the fact because she asked me a pointed question, and that was definitely not OK. It honestly, truly nearly ended our relationship. It wasn't the MB, it was the lack of honesty. It's reinforced her lack of trust in me.

So, she needs me to be open and honest at all times. I want to do this. That said, my dilemma is this:

She has so much on her. So many problems weighing her down. I might be one, a significant one perhaps, but not the only one. I won't go into what else is troubling her because it's not my place to do that, but suffice it to say that I feel guilty for adding my problems to hers. When I know she's struggling with something else in her life, it's difficult for me to force her to deal with my problems too. It seems selfish and unfair. And yet not talking about my problems is also selfish and unfair.

I asked her last night what I should do about all this. She said that she's told me many times before and she just doesn't have the energy to go over it all over again. I should have learned by now. It's true, I should have. It bothers me that I feel so inept when it comes to our relationship. Nevertheless, I want to do things right. I never wanted to hurt her in the first place, or all of the other times I've hurt her in one way or another. I'm at my wits end. If there are any SO's here who can give me some insight, I would really appreciate it.

Thank you.

[Crisodian]

KoH,
While it is admirable that you do not want to unload (or feel you are unloading) more on QoH, let me put a spin on the perspective...

If you are 100% transparent, 100% honest, 100% of the time, it will actually lessen the stress on her. Think about it in this light: If she no longer has to worry about you being totally open and honest, she no longer has that stress and burden to worry about on TOP of whatever other stresses and burdens she carries.

All of us, SOs and PAs alike, have stress in our lives. It's part of living. I'll use myself as an example to illustrate.

I have a upper management job where I manage a lot of people. It's a lot of stress, in an already challenging industry. On top of that, we have a new partner coming on board in our company. So, everyone is under the microscope.

I have 2 children under the age of 5, one of whom is developmentally delayed. He can be a challenge on good days, never mind stressful ones. He has therapy 3 days a week plus things AG and I have to do for him just to help him in everyday life.

I have a miriad of health issues which I have had and battled for years.

Plus there is normal every day stress: managing cash flow, paying bills, balancing the budget, keeping the house clean, laundry, etc....

But the one thing I DONT have to worry about?

Artguy keeping secrets any more. I don't have to worry that I might turn on the home PC and find out he was using again when one of my toddlers stumbles across something. I don't have to worry about him deleting browsing history or files. I don't have to worry about him keeping silent when he is struggling. I don't have to worry about his PA recovery. He's open and honest, even on the days my hair is sticking straight up on end and I need 2 weeks vacation. (Which tend to be quite a few these days!)

And that, is huge.

Being in a relationship is about sharing burden. I, myself, have a tough time as I was self reliant for so long before I was married. Compound that with PA, and there was a good chunk of years I really felt I was handling it all. That resolves and heals with time. And effort.

But it starts with open, honest communication. No matter who makes a mistake. There have been plenty of times I have told AG about my own faults and failures. Some of them impact us, some of them only impact me. Some days I felt like a stain on the carpet for some of my own mistakes. But, the key is we're able to talk them through. And on the days he struggles, he lets me in so I can set him back on his own path. Give and take.

I hope this helps?

Find peace,
~C~

[JenMac]

KofHs,
I agree wholeheartedly with Crisodian!
Being completely open and honest and forthcoming is so important in our relationships as we move ahead. Being forthcoming to me is all important. I don't want to have to pry it out of my H, if something is amiss. If he shows me by his actions that he is following the right path, he can also show me he is serious in his dedication by being forthcoming, by disclosing something without being forced to or by it coming to light in another way.
I know what you mean by not wanting to burden your SO. I have just posted something about that in my own journal about not wanting to add to my H's stress at the moment. The difference is however, it is not something that I have done that needs to be revealed right away. I know I will discuss my thoughts with my H when I feel it is the right time and in the meantime I will have given it more thought. Unfortunately, for you, this is not an option. You are expected to be committed to being completely open and honest so that is what you need to be if you want to continue in your relationship.
Take care!
Jenn

[TrueBlue]

...

The biggest problem, the reason most of us are here, has arguably more to do with issues with honesty and openness that it does necessarily with addiction, specifically, at least when it comes to people who are trying to salvage relationships.

...

So, she needs me to be open and honest at all times. I want to do this.

...

Hello KoH (I love your names, btw)
When I read your post yesterday, I really couldn't respond to it without unloading my personal frustrations with my own relationship onto you. But I have been thinking about your question, and sort of been mashing it up against the things my husband has been telling me, and I thought today I might be a little more rational.

If my husband told me that he didn't want to burden me with more stress/information/problems I would imagine the worst. Because the nature of PA, from my mental perspective at this moment in time, is to not only hide it, but to rationalize and justify not only what the PA is doing, but why he is doing it. My husband has told me that sometimes he was able to justify his porn use to himself by rationalizing that I was sleeping and he didn't want to wake me up.

Because of this, I feel that any deception or avoidance of the issue is a very slippery slope. While it might not lead directly to porn use and infidelity, it does lead to a mindset where dishonesty and deception and lying through omission become acceptable in his mind...because he is protecting me.

I can't speak for QoH, but as a wife of a PA, I would say that his not "unloading on me" would really devistate me much more than anything he could possibly discuss with me willingly.

And I 100% agree with Crisodian and JenMac- transparency is the ONLY way that I can see a relationship moving forward. Without it, it stays still or slips backwards into a place I don't imagine any of us would ever want to go to again.

I wish you much strength and courage to be the person you want to be,
TrueBlue

[debv]

I'm with the other SOs here. It would ease my stress tremendously and make me feel closer to my H if he were to share his feelings and burdens with me. His issue with P was largely avoidance of emotional connection to me, and avoidance of emotions in himself (he bottled them up, especially "negative emotions", didn't show them, and released them through P use). I view any kind of sharing as an emotional connection (actually to my detriment, if it's not my H doing the sharing, though I'm working on that...)

I'm not at a place with DW yet where he will volunteer things to me, other than simple smalltalk. He doesn't share hopes and dreams, fears and worries. He doesn't talk about his recovery, he doesn't reach out to me for emotional support. If he would, I don't care how busy I were or how stressed I were, I would view it as a positive, because it would be a sign that he really does have an emotional connection to me.

Choose your timing carefully, I suppose, don't try to initiate a conversation if the kids are screaming, dinner is burning, one of you needs to leave the house in a few minutes, etc. But do initiate a conversation if you have anything to share about your recovery, positive or negative.

[Charly22]

I agree with the other SO's totally, about honesty and being forthcoming.

I know the two of you live apart from each other. Do you speak every day? Is that time limited? I can understand how it was difficult for you to just blurt that out.

But I guess if it is an important subject for her, and she is asking for full disclosure....then it would be best that you find a way to break that to her softly. It is better to hurt someone with the truth, then to try to protect them from it and then they find out later, that makes it worse. It is the lesser of the two evils.

How hard it must be for both of you in a long distance relationship......I admire you for your desire to make it right.....good luck

[KingofHearts]

Thank you, all of you, for your input at this time. I'm so desperate to get this right, to stop making mistakes after I've made so many. I truly want to be completely open, to give everything of myself to QoH. I think I always did and I've just been scared to, but I have to put aside that fear and just deal with it, for both our sakes. I just hope it's not too little, too late.

Once again, thank you all.

[Sonomette]

This is just my $0.02 (please adjust for your personal monetary measurement) but I know that I personally can deal with just about anything provided I know the facts of a situation.

I cannot, however, deal with lies and omissions, even if they were done with the best of intentions.

To me, it feels as though I am being robbed of the chance to make a solid decision on a situation, if I don't know what I'm dealing with, and that hurts more than an unpleasant truth does.

Maybe I'm different than many here, and maybe QoH doesn't agree with me. Like I said, it's just my $0.02.

[Life-lies-trust]

Sonomette you answered this so well I can not add to it. Thank you

[fishingbackwards]

My husband has told me that sometimes he was able to justify his porn use to himself by rationalizing that I was sleeping and he didn't want to wake me up.

TrueBlue

Boy, do I know this one.....
As of late he has tried to be "honest" with me but I put the word in quotations because I suspect his words are just another way to get me to behave the way he wants me to. I am going to get to be a big fish because I no longer take the bait. Trust????? Hhhaaa.....