Am I being to harsh?

[Hopeful]

It has been 4 1/2 months since I found out what was really wrong with my marriage of 31 years. My H has been reading books, put convenant eyes on his computer and tries to pay more attention to me. My problem is that I can't go in public with him without getting upset. When I see him staring at someone and then ask him about it he tells me that he doesn't remember doing it. We were out to dinner and he kept looking to my left. So I turned around to see who was there and there was only a family with a daughter I would guess around 20. He immediately said "see that empty table in the corner.....that's what I keep looking at". My gosh, does he really think I believe that.
I guess what I am wondering is, do I really have to tell him what he should do, what he should have done.
An example is...at a picnic when the town homewrecker was again giving all her attention to my H, telling a story in which she was being vulgar, making obscene gestures (over & over again) and he sat there listening & watching her. Why do I have to tell him that he should have excused himself to use the bathroom or turned to one of the guys and started a conversation, or even me for that matter. It was so uncomfortable.
So I'm hoping to get some insight as to if I am being too critical. It's hard to know what is the right thing anymore. Am I expecting too much too soon?

He just called me from work and now I am feeling a little guilty posting this but I really would like some advice.

~~Hopeful

[StarPuppy]

Hi Hopeful, I am not married but i would try to give my advice.

The trust has been broken between you and you H but your H has seen the fault in his mistakes and is trying to redeem himself, have you tried to really talk to him about this? maybe it will do good to intro him to this site too so he can seek recovery and advice?

[Hopeful]

Thanks StarPuppy. I really think that he does know the extent of our trust being broken
and I have shown him some of the posts from TTF twice. The 3rd time I actually sent him the link so he could do it on his own but I guess he's not ready to do it. I know it took me 3 months just to sign up let alone post. I'll keep hoping he does it on his own.

~~Hopeful

[Charly22]

I don't think you are being too harsh to expect and want him not to allow those kinds of things to go on.

Can one be harsh in their approach of expressing yourself....sure....and that's where you should worry about being harsh or not....but I think you have every right to ask him not to allow those kinds of things.

[JenMac]

Hi Hopeful,
My H and I have had lots of discussion about inappropriate behaviours outside of the P issue. We are always talking about how certain situations affect us and how we should deal with them.
I don't think it is harsh for you to expect your H to be respectful of you at all times, let alone right now when you are struggling to come to terms with the P situation. He may very well need ideas about how to address, or avoid certain situations with other people, be it another woman or his buddies. He may need to have it pointed out to him when you feel he is being disrespectful of you.
As Charly said, your approach to this is important too. If I am angry when I want to discuss something with my H, it may not be the best time to get my point across.
Jenn

[artguy34]

I dont think it is too harsh. Even if I wasn't a PA, it would still be rude to stare at other women. As for having a conversation with the "town homewrecker" I would say that is an obvious situation where we as PA's need to realize that we do not need to put ourselves in the line of fire. Not that we would be tempted, but knowing what we put our wives through, it would be common sense just to stay away.

As PA's we need to avoid situations that can remotely put us under suspiscion due to the trust we lost with our SO's.

Just my opinion!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I also don't think you are being too harsh to expect your husband to be respectful.

Is this something you have noticed throughout your marriage, or do you notice now because of the PA?

Here's a thought, which is kind of gut churning, but we do what we have to if we are trying to make it work. You notice he stares at women and it hurts. It is likely that he is so de-sensitized and its such a habit that he truly doesn't notice, like biting your nails or tapping. Its a habit. So, maybe you and he can do some work together prior to going somewhere, or he can work on it on his own but with your prompting and support. Prior to going somewhere, you both can go over acceptable behavior. Then maybe you can make a signal and if you notice him staring then you can give the signal and he can immediately correct his behavior. It sucks to have to be a guard dog of sorts, but maybe this will help? I bet he will probably be suprised at how often he gets the signal. He may be dumbfounded at how often and how without thought he actually stares at women.

As far as him talking to the town homewrecker, um... there is a less discret signal you could give him.. but it might not be polite. :D A woman with a reputation like that would have no reputation at all if the men in town control themselves and respect their marriages. So, she doesn't need the signal... the men do!

There is a book called "Every Man's Battle" and the book talks about doing the "eye bounce" which is a learned behavior where a person trains themself to re-direct their eyes and thoughts when someone crosses their path of vision. If he hasn't read the book, its a bit preachy, but this is a very good technique.

I wish you well. I hope you don't feel guilty about expecting your husband to respect you.

[Hopeful]

Thank you Charly & Jenn so much. I really appreciate your support. I find that now when I bring things up to talk about that I am not angry angry like the first month or so, we all know what that feels like. I am more calmer and actually sad that I have to keep talking about things and telling him what would have shown me that I can start to trust him a little again.

Artguy, it really means a lot to hear those words from you. Although I know he would never be tempted by the homewrecker, it's so hard to be around her because he doesn't see how he hurts me when she's there. I am hoping that he will join this site and learn from you and so many others. Thank you.

WifeofNewLifeMan, he actually has read "Every Man's Battle" and it affected him deeply. He has come to realize just how horrible he has treated me and how selfish he really was. I really like the idea of having a signal. This could be beneficial to me too I think. Then I can just point it out instead of sitting there aching, wishing he'd stop. I also think he'll be embarrassed how many times I will have to point it out.

As for the homewrecker again, I thought that we had discussed her enough before we went. I have always dreaded going anywhere she is. It's almost sad how she acts but he said that next time he will just have to be downright rude to her. I think he "got" it when I asked him why did she deserve any kind of respect from him, she has none for our marriage or for me.

I would like to thank all of you for your honesty and help. I really didn't know if I was strong enough to post on TTF and read the replies but I really feel like it has opened a new door for me. I have been so secluded with this for so long and this morning I actually feel good. I feel like I have some energy and want to do something. Think I'll finally do some of that spring cleaning....lol....it's been a long 4 months!

~~Hopeful

[StarPuppy]

Hi Hopeful, I think its good that you gave TTF link to your H but it is up to hi to seek help, I understand that man like us tend to fight it on own due to ego and pride but we will always welcome with open arms should he need our help o:-) No hurries to get him in here

[Life-lies-trust]

So I'm hoping to get some insight as to if I am being too critical. It's hard to know what is the right thing anymore. Am I expecting too much too soon?

He just called me from work and now I am feeling a little guilty posting this but I really would like some advice.

~~Hopeful

Hopeful my H had issues with what he was looking at and has found the ideas in "Every Man's Battle" helpful it is something he calls bouncing the eyes and retraining the brain and the brain filters. Not totally sure because I have not read the book.