My husband is losing it and so am I

[peppear]

Originally Posted by Dominus

If you caught your husband in bed with another woman you would presumably go nuts, well he is in a sense with these women on the screen, make it crystal clear that it is completely unnaceptable, tell him your going to smash the screen if he doesnt get off it now. If he's up late on the computer after you've gone to bed he probably looking at porn - even if you go in and it appears he's not as a mouse finger is pretty fast when the stairs creak. Your husband may try to talk you around, but this has to be non negotiable. My guess is he is probably quite distraught about it internally. please understand that this is really tough for us though, we are like the 'crack babies' of this sex saturated society, we didnt mean to become porn addicts. It is embarrasing to admit, or talk about it - especially for men. Ive been through the trying to convince my wife its all normal, healthy adult lines - its baloney. My body and my mind say I want the porn, but in my heart I know it has to stop and long term I welcome any help keep me away from it.

Well, I did one step better that saved us money.. I put a password on it. He stood there for min trying to see what the password is and I told him that I have worked with him long enough, and i told him we talked about it and he walked away. I thought it would start another fight.
so, we will see.

[Dominus]

Hi, sorry to be so long responding but I didnt realise these threads had a page 2 !! Interesting strategy. Dont forget though that us men dont by nature like to be controled so dont forget to tell him that you are doing it to help because you love and care for him. However its important that he wants to give it up himself or he will just find other ways.

[Inshi]

Hiya

I totally understand what you are all saying and my husband is the same.We have been married for 5 years and have a daughter as well.I have explained to him many times that I hate his habit and he has promised me many a times that he will not do it again but it keeps happening and I have considered leaving him many times, but I love him too much and dont want my daughter to be brought up with out a dad.I really dont know what to do.I dont wanna go out or do anything, incase he is at home by himself and gets upto it.
I installed cybersitter on our home laptop and thats given me some relief as it helps immensely.Then he got a laptop from work and was at it again on that one, I have installed cybersitter on his work laptop as well and hope and pray that this disgusting habit will stop.I am still young and I dont know if I can put up with this for the rest of my life.It has affected me so much.I feel like Iam such an ugly person.
Is there anything I can do to get him out of it? Does counselling or hypnotherapy help? He is willing to do anything.

[Dominus]

Hi Inshi, Talking from the 'other side' I can tell you that wether you ar beautiful or ugly is probably unrelated, my wife is beautiful and its not a factor and Im sure he didnt think you were ugly when you got married. Don't leave him, he needs your help, if he is willing to do anything then I suggest that you come to an agreement with him that he agrees on. If your husband is like me then he really wants to break away from this, but some days the urge gets really strong and all reason goes out of the window. Personally cybersitter didnt work for me as I found ways to circumnavigate it but maybe it is better these days. Could your husband agree to leave his laptop in the office rather than bring it home? Its not too bad short term, but long term it really is a tough problem to beat Inshi and the like they say - the best defence is a strong offense, but for better or worse please don't give up on him.

[Light]

Inshi, I have a lot of sympathy for you. Having been there myself, I know that your husband doesn't do this because he does not love you or your daughter. I'm sure he loves you very much, and probably doesn't fully understand how his actions are hurting you.

He's caught in a cycle, and he may not even realize it. The urge to look at porn online can be so strong that it might make a man put his job in jeopardy, or put his relationships at risk without even realizing it. I think threatening to take it away is probably not the best approach because guys don't like to be told they can't do something, even if they know it's bad for them.

I think a better approach would be to appeal to him through a letter, where you write down how you feel and why, and how this behavior is destructive to you and your family, and him. Much better to tell him why than just a blanket "don't do it." In that letter you should fully explain your feelings and emotions surrounding his porn use. I would also print out some of the articles here for him to read. You could even point him to this website or others like it and see what happens.

I wish you luck and we will be here if you need anything!

[Inshi]

Thank you so much for your support and understanding guys.I felt so lonely and didnt know what to do, whenever I found out about my husbands addiction.He is a wonderful guy and if not for his P/A he would be the best.
He does tell me that,whenevr I tell him not to do something it makes him want to do it more, so I guess I should stop doing that.I havent spoken to him the last few days cos of this and its awful at home.Iam in an alien country where I dont know any1 apart from my husband and his family, so not having any friends around to talk to doesnt help either.
Iam gonna take your advice and give it another go,Iam gonna write how I feel about the whole thing down and let him read it for himself.I sincerely hope it helps.Iam so so fed up!
It is really nice to know that I now have some1 to talk to about all this.Thank you once again.

[FoolishMind]

Dear All,

I am Inshi's husband. I would like to thank the indiviuals for your advice to her. If Inshi left me, my life would seriously not be worth living. I am swallowing my pride and being completley open, and therefore will share Inshi's e-mail to me and my response. (apologies in advance that is long if you do intend to read).

My intention is clear, I am going to turn this around and get my priorities in life right. This website will prove to be a great resource for me. and more importantly the people that are actively here supporting one another.

Thank You.

Inshi's e-mail to me:

Just want you to know that I love you lots and lots and dont ever wanna lose you.Everytime I say Iam gonna leave when we have the same problem ( the main problem in our relationship) is cos this is the only thing that affects me more than anything.
I have joined different forums and lot of people have responded to what I said, they are women who are goin through the same thing as me and guys who are addicted to it and want to stop the habit cos its affecting their relationships.
The site I have joined and seems to be helping me is called www.throughtheflame.org
U can check it out if you wish to.
Most responses I got said, that by telling u not to do something, it will make u want to do it more and that I should write it down and explain to u how it makes me feel and why I dont want something like that to affect our relationship as a couple and family.
It is easier for me to write it all down than talk to u about it, cos when I do talk it makes me angry and upset.
Some of the guys on the forum said that if I explain why I dont like what u do, u would understand and that will make you want to give it up of your own accord.Whereas for the past 5 years you have been trying to stop it cos of me and not cos u want to.Whereas with ciggerates u want to and but find it to difficult.I understand and hope this is not as addictive as cigarettes.So if you did want to( only if u want to, not cos i forced u to), u could.
They also mentioned that if u have been hooked onto that sort of thing for more than 10 years its alot harder, which is why it must be harder for u.
I know u think its not a big deal but if u do join one of these sites u wud see that alot of people have these problems and it has eventually broken up happy families and lot of people in these sites have been left by their partners or are considering leving them cos it actually is and becomes like another person in ur relationship.
Most women said that what they feel when they find about their husbands addiction is quite similar to coming home oneday and finding their husband in bed with another woman, and most guys agreed with that as well.Thats exactly how I feel useless and betrayed.Like I have lost my relationship with my husband to someone else. Iam not exaggerating thats how I feel.
And when u said that u dont see me as a wife but a mother, that just totally left me drained and feeling like something totally pointless and useless in ur life.
what u see on the net, leaves me feelin very insecure and ugly.Thats exactly how I feel, I feel like u dont need me in ur life if u have got that.Everytime I come across something u have seen, I shiver so much, my whole body trembles, I dont know how to explain it but I tremble and feel like my whole world has collapsed.It just makes all the love and care we put into our relationship pointless.
I wud love to have another baby with u, but the last time I got preganant, u got totally hooked onto it.I found out about all the things u did on the internet, that u ordered things on the tv and also that u have been calling lines on the phone. I dont think I will forget those things and I remember everything u looked at and its still fresh in my mind.Everynight I go to sleep, sleep for a few hours then toss and turn and wake up cos I see all these images u have been looking at and words u have been typing.It disgusts me and I feel so so let down and hurt.
Iam being very open and honest with u.
Once ur friend Jo said to me that I had to be careful with u.i dont know why she said that and when I asked her she told me, that u emailed her once when we were staying at their place and said u were finally sleeping in her mums bed after trying all those years to sleep in Jo's.She said she doesnt understand why u still talk about that when u are married and expecting a baby.I said maybe u were just joking, but she said I shud be careful.Being pregnant and having to listen to all that and know what u have been doing was something that put me totally off getting pregnant again.Cos I never ever wanted to go thru feeling that way ever again.
Thats why when I was pregnant again.I d the idea of it and was willing to abort the baby than keep it.But u talked me around it.
Recently I spoke to u about the baby thing again cos I thought u have changed .Thought that I wudnt have to go thru that thing again cos u are not like that anymore, u dont look at things like that.But now after talking to u and knowing what u have done, I dont think I want to anymore.I dont wanna go thru all those things again.Not until u want to change, not cos I told u to or forced u to but cos u want to cos of ur wife and family.
Everytime I watch a tv programme or movie , all i can think of is u wanting to type in that womans name and wanting to .Is that why certain programmes cos u like the woman? I used to do that when I was 14.Lot of teenagers and single guys do that.I cant imagine u, my husband and Aaliyas dad wanting to do that.When I tell u that Simon does things like that, u tell me, u used to do that when u were like 16-17, but no u still do that.
U know when S goes on and on and even J, i think iam so lucky cos my husband is not like that.But hey what do i know.
Iam really really hurt, I feel useless, ugly and very insecure.
I have never gone thru any of this b4 i got married, I was always happy and lively.I dont know whats happend to me , this whole thing has turned me into this other person I dont even know.This person who is constantly on the watchout for something u are doin wrong, so I can beat myself even more for being such a useless pig.Thats how much it affect me .
How wud u feel when our daughter catches u at it one day.How embarasing for her and u? And say one day we have a son and he does the same things his dad wud be doing.How can u stop him from doing it , when u are doin it?
U know u keep telling me, all women go to hell cos they are selfish ets etc.But U know even this is haram,I emailed a imam in the mosque and asked him for help and he got back to me and asked me to explain to u that this is haram,and on the day of judgement, burning iron rods wud be poked into ur eyes for looking at things like this.
Iam not a religious person and I cant tell u what is right and waht is wrong.Maybe u shud join an Islamic site, talk about ur problem , cos there are lot of men in similar situations trying to get help.
To be honest with u , I dont think I wud ever be the same person I used to be.This thing has really really affected me and my self confidence.
U know what each time u do it.I blame myself for it, for being that person who is not ur type.
U say that to alot of people, that Iam not ur type & u didnt find me attarctive when u first saw me.Do u know how it makes feel , each time I hear my husband say that Iam not his type.Everytime I see myself and think, he is never gonna be attracted to me cos Iam not his type and will always think of his ex friend who was his type.It might be childish and immature feel that way, but thats how I feel and Iam being honest.I know I agree with u and say yes that was how it was.Cos when u say that people look at me and I feel like .
U advice people on being immature and needing to grow up.U were the same when u were Js age u used to want to watch a certain movie cos some1 got in it.i remeber u mentioning it to me quite a few times.Then u did grow up but certain things still seem to be the same.
U think I dont like u staying out late and stuff, thats cos I dont trust u Azam.I feel that if u do have that chance u wud end up in some with ur friends, cos thats all u spoke about when we first got married.
So all this has turned me into this really annoying and selfish person.So Iam totally sorry for that.
If u are willing to change the things u look at cos u want to and not cos I say so.U want to cos u wud end up losing alot of things otherwise.i wud stay with u cos of our daughter and never love u, cos all I wud see is all the things u have looked at each time u touch me, I wud think that u are thinking of some1 else while being with me.I dont want us to be like that. I wanna support u if u are willing to do this of ur own accord.
Iam not exaggeratin or blaming u for anything.Iam just telling u exactly how I feel.And am telling u all these things that have been building up inside me.If anything I blame myself for u being that way.
Pls. tell me what u think.
Inshi

[FoolishMind]

My response:

I am truly speechless.

Reading your words and explanation is devastating to me. The impact of your words has hit me ten fold opposed to your shouting and tears.

I am completely embarrassed and ashamed. On one occasion we had a fight about this, you said if i have a problem you will leave me anyway, that was the main reason i did not seek help.

My confession:
At the age of 16 i received a video tape which was an insight into this world. Mum and Dad wouldn't let me watch programs of any female in kissing, holding hands or romance of any sort (which would be considered now) This is not an excuse but after seeing that first video tape, I was able to get many from friends at school. When in college it stopped. Then Uni it started again. Guys would talk about it and laugh, but i was always ashamed of looking at it with other people. With the Internet becoming more easily accessible then, I found a whole new world. This world gave me satisfaction when looking, but after a heavy guilt always hit me.

When in the working world, it became a lot more accessible, and would form part of a weekly routine. There were times i would look daily, sometimes weekly, and sometimes would go for months not looking.

Since i have been married to you, It continued, and everytime you caught me, it would stop for months at time, until an opportunity arose again. And after i would feel awful. Everytime weve fought about this, i myself, i support you to leave me, because i am disgusted with myself and dont know how to help myself because i dont trust myself.

I get nothing from the pictures i look at, apart from satisfaction that i am looking at it. I would not want a for a wife. I am so damn attracted to you, and love you unconditionally, yet i keep doing this. The Cyber sitter really helped, and did nothing for all that time. until i got the work laptop. When i got the work laptop, didnt use it for months, and was so proud of myself, kept bringing it home and leave it available hoping you would check and be relieved. But then it one day just started again.

The word is meaningless, but for whatever value remains, I am so sorry.

I have read your postings and postings from other users in the forum you suggested. Firstly, I am so so ashamed of myself that I disgust you and myself. Yet was comforted to know that i am not the only one in this position. I will pluck the courage up and join that site.

Going forward:

Inshi, you still love me, and i still love you. Without that, we would not still be talking. The things you said to me on Saturday, killed me, No one has ever spoken to me like that, let alone you. But I appreciate your honesty. I was questioning my love for you all this weekend, because even if i continued to love you, I didnt want to be with you if you keep thinking that i am disgusting. And I didnt want to be forced to be routined for intimate times.

Right now, i do not feel like a man, a father or even your husband. I feel like a sick criminal.

I am not going to run away from my problems, i have always tackled things head on, and i will do this. And i will do this of my own accord and i think that website could really help me.

I dont think ive looked at you for the last 2 days, and thats through shame and disgust within myself, and I still dont think i can look at you right now. I cant think of being intimate of affectionate with you, but again this is not you, this is because i feel sick of myself if that makes sense. Your threats of you divorcing me for a fourth time now, has seriously left holes in me, and i appreciate that this may be a small percentage of what you have been feeling.

I dont think there is a simple finger click way things will get better, and frankly i would like to take some time to digest everything said and understand why my mind is as it is.

I will counter this, and turn it around. Thank you for being so open with me. You have stuck with me for 5 years Inshi, I would very much appreciate you allowing me the next few months to get my life back on track.

Thank you.

Az

[Light]

Wow. That was the most "real" conversation I've ever read on this forum. I can really tell you guys love each other. After reading those messages, I get the sense that you can overcome this problem if you really want to.

FoolishMind, I'm proud of you for being honest here. It takes a lot of strength to do what you did. The road to recovery will not be an easy one, so you must make sure that you want to do this yourself, and not because someone else wants you to.

Once you realize that they are not trying to keep you from "the good stuff" and you realize that the "good stuff" was really destroying you all along, you will be ready to begin I think

I myself am still on the road to overcoming this problem. Some days I get discouraged, but others I feel stronger. Coming here helps. Reading your story helps. It reminds me that even though I don't have a family yet, I need to be in a certain place when I have one, and that means quitting the porn now, not later.

Good luck, we will be here if you need anything!

[Dominus]

I'm blown away, brought tears to my eyes!