SO recovery

[JenMac]

To borrow/steal from Alika who I thought made a great post to the PAs regarding sharing their best strategies for recovery, I thought the same idea could apply to we SOs.
I am sure there are many here who have found some things work better for them than others when it comes to their recovery from this place in their lives. Perhaps we could share some of those in this thread specifically.
I will be thinking about this as I go through my day.
How do we move ahead to a more positive place in our lives? Any thoughts?

This is part of Alika's post to the PAs:
Though it differs from individual to individual, I am wondering about what the minimum steps and tools to a permanent recovery are, and would appreciate any and all personal input based on your own experiences.

What I am looking for is along the lines of but not limited to:

• which steps have you taken (TTF, therapy, litterature, support groups, journals, etc.) in order to enter recovery?
• what has worked best for you (and why)?
• what could you have done without (and why)?

Jenn

[Charly22]

Good things that have helped:

1. this website
2. removing my anger and not allowing my emotions to rule me (this doesn't mean my emotions aren't true and valid, but we cannot allow them to cause us to react in unproductive ways)
3. Reading books on the subject that allowed me to understand things that I would've never been able to understand.
4. Sharing my pain and thoughts and feeling with someone (those on this website)Not keeping it inside and turn into a confusing mess.

Bad things:
1. Not trusting my own instincts. NEVER go against your instincts.
2. Allowing myself to shove my feelings down for the sake of peace....this damaged me more than I ever could've imagine, physically and spiritually.

sure there is alot more....

[Crisodian]

I would have to say that I echo what Charly posted. I think the only other things I would add right now to the "good" list are: keeping a journal of the journey, whether personal or online; open, honest communication with my H; 100% transparency 100% of the time from my H; and time.

For the bad:
Don't use your hurt and pain as a weapon against your SO.

While I strongly considered it, I didn't get a personal therapist to help. Some SOs choose to and that also seems to be a very positive experience for most, although someone with experience should chime in there.

Peace,
~C~

[JenMac]

Thanks for answering Charly and Crisodian! I started this and then promptly forgot about it.
I did see a therapist and although I don't think she gave me any real insights, it did give me someone to unload my feelings onto. I had not shared with anyone other than my H so it was a good outlet for a few weeks. Now I am finding this website to be especially helpful to me. As with my Alanon program, it gives me the availability of people who are experiencing the same things that I am and there is a wealth of information here. I am so thankful for this site!
I agree that anger and emotional outbursts don't necessarily help the situation. Keeping my emotions in check for the majority of the time and having calm, rational communication seemed to work well for us during this time. Being very honest and direct about my feelings and boundaries was especially helpful for both of us, I believe.
Giving myself permission to just deal with this, to not worry about other things for a while, to be able to deal with this. That was important, that I had no guilt about what I should be doing or looking after. I gave myself time just to do for myself, to deal with my hurt.
I did a lot of reading as well and journalling. Writing things down has always helped me in dealing with my feelings.
I also gave myself permission to make no hasty decisions. I am not a person who makes decisions easily or quickly and I decided that making no decision at the time was in fact a decision.
As recommended here, I wrote my husband a heartfelt letter. That was very important I believe.
I am also a believer in Gratitude changing attitude. I couldn't always master that during this time but I did try. Being thankful for the little things in life, a walk in nature, the delight of a special child. My job with children definitely helped to take my mind from my troubles after the first few emotional weeks. I was very thankful for that.
Time - well said Crisodian, time is especially helpful if not to heal the pain, then certainly to lessen it, to make it less intense.
Jenn

[Sonomette]

I'm in the beginning stages of this, or I should say, WE are in the beginning stages of this. I can't answer all of your questions, but I can answer part of the last one: what DIDN'T work?

I believe my H's issues have been brought on in large part by self esteem issues. If someone finds him attractive, he was unable to say no. P would never reject him.

I get very angry, very easily, and can say things that are completely sadistic without thinking twice-- and seem completely serious about it at the time.

I probably made things worse when I started to holler and be unspeakably mean for the sake of being mean. Yes, he hurt me... but in all honesty, berating someone whose self esteem is really low to begin with made things worse.

Part of that broken communication is and was my fault, and it is up to me to fix that and act like a decent human being towards him, even if he has made me mad.

I'll check back in with this post if I learn anything new about what helps, at least for my situation.