Slips

[Devastated2]

Curious how you & the PA in your life handle inevitable slips? I know my h has had slips, he just hasn't disclosed them. So far, at his therapists request, we have not had full disclosure yet. I'm guessing instruction on how to handle slips will come afterward. In the meantime, I thought I'd look here for guidance.
Thanks

[FoolishMind]

Hi Devestated,

Firstly i feel must correct you. Slips are NOT inevitable.

Slips and relapses ARE inevitable if one does not plan a strategy properly. But if you do the neccessary prep work, if you are honest with yourself, A PA will not slip.

So you as an SO, should be advising your partner not to focus on how to handle the slips, but on how to exactly prevent them.

I appreciate there are some things we cannot be prepared for like super P star Aliens form outerspace coming down, and beaming the PA up against his almighty strength and then subjecting him to hours of P - now that would be unfair on him, and would be hard to prepare for. But most of the temptations on earth, can most definatley be handled, and there are a wealth of members here that can point you in the right direction to get that - which is the real guidance you need to point your partner in.

But everynow and again do check up in the sky, cos I swear I saw some saucer like object hovering around.

Wish you the best of strength

FM

[clm]

I dont believe that slips are inevitable. I think believing that could be a self-fullfilling prophecy. Our D Day was last October and my husband has not had any slips or relapses. He knows that I wont tolerate it. If he does, he is out. If you allow or expect slips without dire consequences, then its almost like you are condoning them. Most of us agree that our husband's PA felt like cheating to us. Would you tolerate it if he came home and said he had "slipped" with his mistress? How would you handle that? I think its all about the boundaries and consequences you decide on. What are you able to put up with?

[Devastated2]

Thanks to both of you for your replies. FM I did need that chuckle today so...Thank You!
It seems to me p, in one form or another, is everywhere! I'm hesitant to take my sons with me to the grocery store anymore bc of magazines at the checkout. Billboards, tv commercials...you name it. It's tough to avoid.
Of course, you are both right: slips are not inevitable but the stats out there are pretty staggering & depressing. The folks I'm in contact with privately have slipped so maybe that influenced my wording. These couples seem to disclose & move on right away. We, however, have not been in that situation yet. I think I was wondering more to myself how I would handle it.
While I want my marriage & want to be a positive voice in my h's recovery, all of this makes me very tired sometimes. But to answer your question, I won't tolerate any setbacks. I suppose I need to make that more concrete (with him & myself).
Overall, just a lousy day today so maybe I'm
just feeling sorry for myself. Tomorrow is a new day.

[clm]

Why not make the rest of today a new day instead of waiting for tomorrow? Find something positive in your life and focus on that. I know its easier said than done, but sometimes we all get caught up in the muck and mire of the bad stuff which makes us lose sight of the good stuff. Find that one good thing and let it lead you to a brighter place. And dont forget...you have all of us here if you need us.

[forgotten_not]

To me a "slip" represents just another lie. My husband too has "slipped" & recently, but the mere fact that he tries to hide it & keep it from me by deleting the history on the computer shows me his ability to continue to be deceitful & his unwillingness to have an open & honest relationship FREE of lies & betrayal. I think until there are no "slips" it's hard to believe their intentions of recovery are 100% real & that their focus on on their relationship is at the forefront of their priorities if they're capable of such a cover up.

Just my take. Thanks for the thought! <3

[Life-lies-trust]

Devastated2,
I would also discuss with the therapists how long are you to live with the continue lies about what he is doing. Also ask how you are to heal from this if as far as you know he is still using. Until you know where you stand in this you will have problems moving forward because you will wonder what else is he hiding.

Sorry to be negative but the lies have to stop or how can you ever trust him again?

[Devastated2]

You are so right! See, I 'suspect' there have been slips but don't & can't know for sure (unless he tells me). I know he has not used p on our comuter since this all started nearly 2 years ago. But, he is surrounded by technology for work, which I have zero control over or knowledge of. In other words, it would be easy for him to get away with it. What I suspect recently is very brief activity on his phone, which has access but also has controls on it (I put them there). So, he may have tried to access the net but he would not have been able to because of the controls in place. I don't think it matters if he accessed it or not. Intention to do so is enough. Anyway, he's been in therapy for about a month and a half now. I know exploring all of this is new to him & he is not much of a communicator to begin with. He is learning how to deal with his sex addiction & I think his therapist's strategy is for him to understand it before he can share it with me. I understand that will take time. He hardly discusses anything about his sessions afterwards. Most days I am ok with that but sometimes I just feel so left out of the loop & I think it is very unfair. I am willing to be supportive but how can I be if I don't know what he's done, or may still be doing? When I found out initially, this addiction nearly killed me. Kind of makes me feel as if I have a right to know. I guess I just need to be patient.
There are times, I admit, when being out of the loop is kind of a comfort to me. I am not thinking about this addiction, obsessing, worrying...nothing! During those times, I kind of like it too much. I think there needs to be a happy medium somewhere.
If you got this far, thanks for reading my rambling thoughts.

Devastated2,
I would also discuss with the therapists how long are you to live with the continue lies about what he is doing. Also ask how you are to heal from this if as far as you know he is still using. Until you know where you stand in this you will have problems moving forward because you will wonder what else is he hiding.

Sorry to be negative but the lies have to stop or how can you ever trust him again?

[fishingbackwards]

I have not been living with the pa in my life though I have continued to see him. He was working on it. He told me of a relapse but seemed to have a sense of regret. He recently went back to using because I was not meeting his needs. Yes, of course, it is my fault.......
I suspect what he has owned up to is just the tip of the iceberg. In our last conversation he denied that he is an addict because it is not having a detrimental effect on his life. Later he said that he is so lonely at night and p and mb makes him feel better. But no, no addiction here....~X(I pointed out for the 14 millionth time that we are not living together and I have filed for divorce because of his p use. He is alone at night because he chose to leave me when I expressed my feelings about p and I will not consider intimacy with him as long as he is using. If he wants a relationship how can he say the p is not having a detrimental effect?

Slips? I don't think this has been a slip. I don't believe he is capable of changing his attitude. The divorce will be completed as scheduled.