Messing with my head

[Lm222]

Hi all,

Im new to this site. Ive had a look through peoples stories and struggles and it is really touching, from both the PA and SO view point. I have learnt a lot from reading the PA journies and it has helped me to understand my SO's PA. Thank you so much to all those who were and still are brave enough to share their stories and seek the support they need.

As for me, im not really sure where to start. My partner has a PA. Like many other women i went into the relationship knowing in my heart that it was the case. Secretly hoping it would change when we were together and foolishly thinking i would be enough. I supressed the feelings and opinions i had on P for a long time, out of pressure and fear of being stigmastised as that woman. I still fear it now, even though i know 100% my views and way of seeing P and the industry are right, i still question myself. Stupid i know.

I have several problems while thinking of facing the idea of overcoming the PA. My SO has admitted the issue, he's still not ready to talk to me about it, but he has admitted an addiction. After what seemed like forever trying to get my points across, maybe some of it finally sunk in and his 'blinders' came off. I know this is great news and i should and do feel happy. Im trying to understand more so i know how to support him and i want to move forward (well mostly i do). Theres still a huge part of me thats too scared to think of the future. But my problem is i cant get the things and women he watches out of my head. Ive tried for months, but theyre still there. We're not together at the moment and i know he has still been watching P. Mainly because he cant MB without it. He says it makes him feel sick and ashamed now. I dont want him to be ashamed, i know he's been brainwashed for years and years by a multimillion dollor industry that is nasty, destructive, controlling and manipulative. BUT it still doesnt change the fact he wanted these specific women the minute i wasnt around. He thought about these women and their acts when i was there and sought the opportunity to view them when he had the chance or the 'excuse'.

Im well aware his addiction didnt start with me, it has been there long before i came about. Even though i know he didnt see the facts of his 'habit' before i had to force them down his throat. But still, generic images i could get over easier. But its a connection with specific women, a desire for specific images and bodies, acts etc. I honestly feel cheated on. If it was random images im not sure i would feel so sick whenever i thought about it or even considered communicating with him face to face. But his specific favourites, which in no way can been seen as just 'images'.

I feel that everything he has done with me, tried to do with me or even likes is because he's seen it in P. These women do it in the specific way he likes and he sought them the moment i turned my back.

I also feel like a fraud. I feel like i shouldnt feel this way. That others have suffered and continue to suffer far more than i have but i cant deny my feelings and the anger, hurt, humiliation, shame, inadequacy and dislike for my own body. My head is constantly filled with P. If i try to think about S or if i want to MB my head is only filled with his desires, and its driving me crazy. My own desires and sensuality has been consumed by this for far far too long.

How do i stop it? How do i try to move on when i feel cheated? Maybe its too dramatic to see it as cheating. But honestly, if he had been with someone else i would never know the ins and outs of it. Her skills, attributes etc. With his fantasies being so easily available for everyone, i know exactly the S he was having with these women. The things he saw, thought, wished they would do to him or i would do to him etc etc and the things he directly took from those acts and put into our S lives. I think the knowledge of everything is 100% worse. And if he'd been sat infront of these women MB it would be cheating, so im not sure i see the safety of a computer as much different. Im pretty sure if it was the other way around he would feel this too.

Is this normal? Is the obsession normal? How do i move or even try to move past it?

Thanks guys.

[Life-lies-trust]

How do i stop it? How do i try to move on when i feel cheated? Maybe its too dramatic to see it as cheating. But honestly, if he had been with someone else i would never know the ins and outs of it. Her skills, attributes etc. With his fantasies being so easily available for everyone, i know exactly the S he was having with these women. The things he saw, thought, wished they would do to him or i would do to him etc etc and the things he directly took from those acts and put into our S lives. I think the knowledge of everything is 100% worse. And if he'd been sat infront of these women MB it would be cheating, so im not sure i see the safety of a computer as much different. Im pretty sure if it was the other way around he would feel this too.

Is this normal? Is the obsession normal? How do i move or even try to move past it?

Thanks guys.

You have every right to feel cheated. In his mind he was cheating and then he brought you into his fantasies whether or not you really wanted to. Be kind to yourself and step back and realize you are a good caring person who did nothing to deserve this. Until he come to the realization that he needs help with the addiction you will see no change other than him hiding more.

Hugs to you.

[Lm222]

Thank you. Yes, he has come to terms, more or less, that he has a problem/PA, and his use is not as simple or harmless as he thought. I know he is a good person and i have so much sympathy and empathy for him inside im just finding it hard to move forward. I feel isolated and lonely and because we dont discuss things i only have myself to sooth my ever thinking mind. Its so confusing, one minute im so empathetic and want to share and communicate and then the feelings come back. I feel i cant move forward. Its a BIG thing that he has actually admitted to me he has a problem and i am very proud of who he is in so many ways and everything he is willing to do or face for us. I want to do that too, im just scared i will not get them out of my mind. He is so scared to face me and it frustrates me even more, i feel pressure to act and forgive straight away without verbalising my feelings. We have serious communication issues, which we both need to work on.

[Charly22]

You are already doing a wonderful thing for YOURSELF...by being here and allowing yourself to get these feelings out. I think that is one of the worst things I did for the longest time...I kept it all inside...I did not talk to anyone else...tried talking to SO, and of course, for the longest time, didn't want to face it. So....shoved it down...and it turns into a huge storm inside your head, your heart, before you know it you yourself are out of control with no help in sight.

Well....now you've found Through The Flame....so, please keep telling us how you feel. And maybe you should start trying to write a letter to your SO. For now, do it just for you...work on it, edit it, take a few days to make sure it isn't a bunch of finger pointing and anger. But try to get your point across to him about how this addiction affects you and your relationship. For now....you don't even have to ever give it to him....just get your feelings out.....for your own sake and clarity.....

[Charly22]

and we look forward to you starting a journal in the journal section for SO's

[forgotten_not]

You have every right to feel the way you do & I think you've come to the right place to work through this. There are so many people here, on both sides of the fence, that can relate & offer sane advice.

I look forward to hearing more from you. Good-luck & keep your head up, this struggle will only make you stronger.

<3

[fishingbackwards]

Hi all,


I feel that everything he has done with me, tried to do with me or even likes is because he's seen it in P. These women do it in the specific way he likes and he sought them the moment i turned my back.

I could have written this.
It is cheating.

[maggie]

Lm222,

Just read your first post. You are completely normal in feeling overwhelmed by it all.

P has a way of not only taking over the user's mind and thoughts, but the evilness of it p, with its dramatic and shocking images, also creeps into the head of the people who care about the user.

You & your partner are about to take a huge, difficult step into this pit of p. It is necessary to confront all of this, the damage, the betrayal, the chemical changes, the perceptions of women as objects, the selfishness, the lies and deceit.

It has to happen and yes, it will try to take over your mind and thoughts too.
You have to envision yourself as a completely separate entity from your partner's problem. It is his problem. Yes, it affects you and has twisted your relationship, but it is still his problem.

I'm speaking harshly to you, because I have been where you are right now. These feelings of betrayal, disgust, fear will try to take hold of your mind.

This site has been a true life line for me. It is amazing to read the passionate posts by PA's and how they struggle every day to be a better man, a complete man...
a real man. A man who can look himself in the mirror and feel respect for what he does and thinks, instead of the shame and guilt from losing control of his urges.

Please stay on here and post. Your feelings, your questions and any help that you can give others, including me !!