What can the PA do to help the SO heal

[Charly22]

There are lots of resources explaining what the SO can do to help the PA as they struggle to beat their addiction.

But where is the resource/list/article suggesting what the PA can and should do, what is REQUIRED, to help the SO in their times of need. Those times when we are struggling with insecurities, needing reassurance, even though the PA has reached the point where they are ridding porn from their life, and are taking the measures to beat this. So, not just the "stop looking at porn". It goes way beyond that don't it? Even when it is stopped...we are still stuck in the world of worry, insecurity, non-trusting, needing MORE reassurance.

Please add to this thread, help me compose a list of what the SO needs in those times...what the PA can do to help when we have our moments of "relapse"........thanks!

[Alika]

There are lots of resources explaining what the SO can do to help the PA as they struggle to beat their addiction.

But where is the resource/list/article suggesting what the PA can and should do, what is REQUIRED, to help the SO in their times of need.

I have asked that exact same question, but acknowledge that the SOs only joined alter as it was originally a site for PA recovery. With the increased number of SOs, and I guess all of us are looking for answers and tools and whatnot, anything to make the journey more mutually constructive, I for one welcome this suggestion.

Though I can't pretend to have any of those answers right now, I wanted to leave a post saying that I like the constructive approach, and eagerly await the responses to this thread.

- Alika

[Charly22]

But Alika....when you are feeling insecure, and want reassurance, what do you wish for? Other than the porn industry to have never existed? What do you wish he was able to do.......or what does he do that helps you when you get down and worried and insecure?

[Alika]

This is what works for me personally, and I can only speak for myself here, so I hope others will chime in as well.

I need the reassurance in terms of being told the whys as to why he loves me as I need to understand how he can love me and at the same time, when it comes to intimacy, has chosen every other woman but me. It isn’t enough to say that it has nothing to do with me, as that’s next to impossible to grasp after having been cheated on and felt cheated on. He has to state the numerous reasons of why he loves me, and do it somewhat frequently though never mechanically (then I’ll just tend to dismiss it as a “learned-by-heart” list).

One very important thing to me is that he shares his work on himself with me. He has come to me voluntarily, without any incitement or request from me, days or weeks after I’ve asked a question or suggested that he looked into something, and presents me with his hand written journal, wanting to go over with me what he has found out. This one is very powerful as it shows his commitment, it shows that he wants to share it with me, it shows the actual work he does taking place both with the notes that he writes and his elaborate explanations. This is one of the most constructive approaches I have noticed yet – that he wants to involve me and show me, literally, what he’s working on and how he’s working on it and which conclusions he has reached. Added benefit is that I come to know him, his feelings, and thought processes much better, and with the confiding in me, he gives me a chance to comment on it.

If I have a temper tantrum, it is equally important that he is willing to talk it through afterwards, and that he asks questions trying to get to the core of it. That he doesn’t dismiss it as yet another round of emotional vomit, but as a symptom of hurt not being dealt sufficiently with. He is not the only irrational person of this household, I can be just as irrational myself when the hurt is speaking, and then I need to be able to rely on him, like he needs to be able to rely on me.

That we work through his recovery as partners, and that both of us (this has been really difficult for me to come to terms with) view it as our recovery, though acknowledging that it stems from his p addiction. This is where the “for better and for worse” part kicks in, though the addiction is his, the marriage is still ours.

That he be honest. That He Be Honest. That He Be HONEST. Without a doubt the biggest challenge (for him) but also one of the key issues that will eventually determine whether we make it or divorce. I can deal with the hurt if I have the honesty, because then I don’t give in to my own worst fears, I avoid my own paranoia. When I know what’s fact and what’s fiction in my own thoughts, then I also avoid suspecting him wrongly when he’s in fact innocent.

That he hugs and comforts me even if he’s the one who has hurt me. Also a big challenge for me, as I have difficulties accepting comfort from the same person that hurt me so badly. He has to be very patient with my rejections during emotional outburst, and then continue to hug, hold, and comfort me as soon as I’m calming down. If he does it with understanding and empathy, it works a whole lot better, and brings us closer together.

Be transparent, be reliable, be sincere, be trustworthy. No sudden change of plans. No suspicious looking behaviour even if it’s completely innocent. No bad excuses in other areas either. The more trustworthy he can be in other areas, the more he gives me to hold onto even if I doubt him when it comes to the addiction. I can’t rebuild my trust in the area of addiction, but I can cling onto trust in other areas, and that leaves me with something instead of nothing, by far the preferable situation.

This is just off the top of my head, I’m sure there’s a whole lot more.

- Alika

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Alika,

I am going to steal this and add it to my signature. I hope you don't mind.

Alika said, "the addiction is his, the marriage is still ours."

True. Thank you.

[Alika]

Alika,

I am going to steal this and add it to my signature. I hope you don't mind.

Alika said, "the addiction is his, the marriage is still ours."

True. Thank you.

Oh but of course, and thank you, I'm only happy if something rings true or can be used by others.

And WoNLM, now that you're here, I'd love also to hear your response to the original question here :)

- Alika

[Charly22]

Alika's post pretty much sums it up for me. She wrote so eloquently....so perfectly.

When something like this goes on and on and on, both the PA and the SO carry the sickness. The SO gets stuck in thought patterns that are unhealthy (same degree as the PA in their unhealthy thought patterns). While the thoughts are totally different, the patterns are the same.

So..needless to say...when the P is removed, and no longer a factor, still the habitual behavior remains, on both parts. The SO is like a deer caught in headlights when told "I ain't looking".....we want to believe it so badly, but yet we don't, after time and time again of being decieved.

I think it is SOOOOO very important for the PA to find a way to be patient when the SO is thinking or feeling "I don't believe you". Or...even feeling the need to ask for reassurance...most of the time....it's not just "I don't believe"....most of the time it is really "I don't know what to believe" ...and the PA's encouragement, patience, and reassurance is CRITICAL, in my opinion.

It sure doesn't help when we ask for reassurance, to experience hostility about having to "fix insecurities".

When I ask for reassurance...I just wish he could:

* Be patient and understanding (same way I had to learn to be with his shortcoming)

* Reassure me....not resist or be frustrated about something I need.

* Understand that even though it is disheartening, when you are doing the right thing and still have to try to prove yourself...understand that allowing that frustration to show and dominate only makes it appear that there is no reassurance available......and the paranoia is valid.

* Reassure me time and time again......be ABLE to reassure me.

* Expect that I need help with "recovery" as well.....expect it and know it....

I started this post, hoping for others to write, and help me know that it is not just me, and I am way too insecure.....maybe one day my husband will understand this......and help when I need it.....

[Charly22]

Of course all of the above only applies to a situation where true steps have been made, p viewing has stopped. If one is still caught in the trap....then all of the above will never work, and will only compound the situation on the PA, trying to convince the SO of something that isn't true.......more crap upon crap....

[hopefulwife]

That is a very hard question for me. I feel I have done most of my healing on my own. That is not how I wanted it, but thats how it happened. My husband hasn't once come to me to talk. When we do talk I give him room to speak, but still it is mostly me. Me reading me learning me growing me letting go. The only partners in this journey have been the very helpful people here. My husband has been seperate from that and refused to read anything I posted here. He is still doing better. I have no idea how he did this on his own but I'm not expecting it to last.

What I want is:

Honest talk
Him to come to me to talk
Him to share fealings with me
Him to open up

oh.. and I want a foot rub

Possitive physical contact that isn't about sx, that is about showing love and giving comfort. So yes, I think a foot rub would help.

[hopefulwife]

I think it would be nice to here from some PA's on this. What they have tried what failed what works. Sometimes even I dont know what would make me feel better.