What can the PA do to help the SO heal

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

One thing that can help the SO heal is time. Granted, the PA can not "give" the SO time, but the PA is in charge of the clock. If the PA is defensive and angry about the SOs lack of trust and need for reassurance, this resets the clock a bit. And of course, if the PA goes back to P, this resets the clock completely.

My husband helps me heal when he says what he said last night. He told me, "This is not just about me quitting P. This is life changing. Its not about me being the same, but just not doing P."

It reassures me to know that my husband sees 100% the damage the P has inflicted not just our relationship, but on himself and his character.

[Charly22]

yes....the "back to zero" clock. I've watched it be reset many many times. It will take time for both...both to adjust....both to recover....both to find sure footing again. Thanks for reminding me of that!

[Alika]

A small addition to what I posted the other day:

It also helps to not pretend that everything is fine like it used to be.

Everything is not the way it used to be, in fact not much is like it used to be, but things can still be fine, and this new "fine" can also involve p addiction coming up in a normal dinner conversation on a relaxed evening without it being a huge issue or an explosive topic. It is now part of our lives and it's helpful being able to address it as any other aspect or topic pertaining to our marriage.

Alika

[Charly22]

Take initiative. Learn. Dig. Expect that there is much more to work through, and just stopping is not going to be enough. There is emotional damage to repair.

Take your own initiative.

It would help me tremendously, if I knew my husband were learning all he could. If he had a routine put in place. Something to "practice"...something to keep his resolve renewed, over and over again. Rather than feeling like we have to have fallout, and feel like I have to threaten to leave everytime he becomes "triggered" and deals with this, like I have learned, and I expect that there will be alot for him to deal with during this.

Something that showed he was taking the initiative, and it doesn't all fall on me to "prove" to him what is wrong with p addiction.

Validate my feelings.

Understand that p/s addiction has numbed your emotions. It's gonna hurt when those emotions come back to life. This is what the SO needs the pa to address and come together on. That emotional connection. That emotional connection that fellas never were taught. Porn teaches and influences things that are way off. Like a women just needs to be wam bam thank ya mam, and a woman's REAL needs are never addressed.

An emotional connection.

Hope others can keep adding to this.....

[Misty-Eyed Matthew]

I'm a recovering PA who is married. By reading this thread, I see what my wife is going through everyday since she discovered my addiction. We have been married for almost 3 years & right now were seperated. We still talk everyday & we try to see each other as much as we can. I still have hope for us, but sometimes I'm not so sure about her. When we get together, I try to let her know how I feel. I hold her hand while were shopping together & steal a kiss in public. We still tell each other that we love the other everyday. Just the other night, she came to my place. We talked, laughed, cuddled together, & watched a movie. I hope by just doing these simple things will help her heal as much as she has helped me. Only time will tell though. I don't know if I'm going about it the right way. I know I hurt her in a bad way & I'm doing everything in my power to make her feel loved & wanted. If I'd done this to begin with we wouldn't be here.

[Misty_77]

I think one of my biggest needs is HONESTY. I can't stand all the lies. It results in me feeling paranoid. I don't want to feel like I have to snoop or try to prove when he's lying to me. I told him, "If you relapse, JUST TELL ME. I can handle it a lot better if you're at least honest with me. If you're struggling with thoughts or emotions, TALK TO ME."

[rosie]

I think one of my biggest needs is HONESTY. I can't stand all the lies. It results in me feeling paranoid. I don't want to feel like I have to snoop or try to prove when he's lying to me. I told him, "If you relapse, JUST TELL ME. I can handle it a lot better if you're at least honest with me. If you're struggling with thoughts or emotions, TALK TO ME."

100000000000% this!

[NewHope10]

I think one of my biggest needs is HONESTY. I can't stand all the lies. It results in me feeling paranoid. I don't want to feel like I have to snoop or try to prove when he's lying to me. I told him, "If you relapse, JUST TELL ME. I can handle it a lot better if you're at least honest with me. If you're struggling with thoughts or emotions, TALK TO ME."

100000000000% this!

YES! For me this is of the utmost importance! First and foremost...100% honesty...100% transparancy...100% of the time - with the little and big things! ALWAYS!