journal

[hurting2BhisFantasyAgain]

So I dropped a few hints, that if he was slipping that now was the time to get back on track before he "pissed me out-of-his-life".
A day later he walked into the kitchen and said "I'd be so lost with out you, and the kids."

Charly, Thank you very much for your post to my other thread. As a recovered addict myself, I have used our work on him to also work on myself; especially my anger, forgiveness and compassion. I am trying to be understanding while not enabling. I understand that there will be relapse, but I don't see myself being able to put up with relapse after relapse.................

He does not welcome outside help because he was sexually abused, which leads him to abuse through sex; and he's EMBARRASSED about it. He believes that if we cannot deal with this than he deserves to be without us, and I tend to agree with him. I can agree with him because I was sexually, mentally and physically abused into addiction for years; then I made the choice to deal with my demons and get better, create instead of destroy.

I am going to work today, and am really nervous because when I get home there are some things that could manifest into a blow-up or an expansion of love and trust! Here's hoping for all of our sake's!

[Charly22]

That's the beauty of this website....it removes the risk of being embarrassed. And if he were to read the many many accounts here, he would find that he is not alone in what has happened to him.

As far as tonite being a blow-up or an expansion of love and trust??? I'm hoping with you......please don't allow the anger to rule.....

[hurting2BhisFantasyAgain]

Thank you, and it was not in my control whether things blew up or not, it was his and he chose well! \:D/
Thank you VERY much for reminding me to have compassion, understanding, and forgiveness, not anger! I'm so close to believing that I was never a victim in this whole situation, and that I can get exactly what I want by knowing it and declaring it. What I want is for my man to be whole, loving, receiving, and respectful. I want him as a healthy being to partner with me in this life, always!

[hurting2BhisFantasyAgain]

Well there has been serious progress and as far as my intuition goes I think that I am getting what I want, however there are still days when I feel really resentful to even have been through this @ all, especially when it comes to being intimate.
I want to say he is done with P, but sometimes this site with all of the relapsers and SO's of relapsers plant a seed in my mind that "this is only for today, who knows when he will relapse and lose us for good." There are also days were this site gives me hope and strength to help others.
I am also on a parenting website and at least once a month there is a post from a different woman whom is just recognizing that her SO is a Porn addict, and the devastation that I see is so painful.
There are times when I try to be sensitive to him and completely skirt the issue of Porn even if it's what the conversation is really about, and there are times when I just want to be in his face and speak whatever is on my mind to him about it, just so he can show me how well he has control of things, or doesn't. Because I'd much rather know sooner than later!