The moment we'll never forget

[forgotten_not]

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In a moment, our world changed forever
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the screen blurred
through moisture rimmed eyes
every nerve ached with grief
my stomach tied in knots
my heart sank in disbelief
the room began to swirl
a lump formed in my throat
overwhelmed by the urge to hurl

i couldn't move
couldn't blink

emotion took over
i cried & screamed
couldn't understand
didn't want to believe
that you could do this to me
we were so perfect
how stupidly naive
that you could want me & only me
in this world of lust & gluttony

consumed by pain & absolute despair
i don't know where we go from here
the world we knew forever lost
was the pleasure really worth the cost?

-forgotten_not [06-03-2010]

Still doesn't quite capture or express my feelings & thoughts in that hauntingly unforgettable moment when everything changed, but right now it helps to get the words out.

How do you remember that moment? Please, feel free to share, get it out.

[QueenofHearts]

This poem exactly resembles how I feel.

The unrealistic? expectation that we would be enough to satisfy a man.

And the physical and mental toll P takes on us SO's.

You are an insightful, intuitive, wonderful woman who any man would be lucky to have.

>:D<

[Life-lies-trust]

Great poem.
For me I was numb till I could ask him about it. Then call his boss in front of him and reported what he had been doing at work. The week where I was numb and angry at the same time. Then he did it again in March. I just wanted to sit there and cry and then walk out. Others talked me out of walking out at that point because I was not thinking well.

These two days are the worse of my life.

[Crisodian]

The moment.

For me, there was a nagging long before I found the P that something was up. By the time I got really curious, the anger had built to rage. When I found his P and what he had been up to, I exploded.

Nuclear.

There were phone calls. Hurtful slinging of accusations on both sides. Face to face confrontations. Lots of tears. Then I found out how deep his addiction went. The tears dried up. The hurt, anger, and hate boiled over and I came close to shutting down completely. I made plans and preparations to leave.

We'd done this dance in the past and I didn't want another spin around the floor.

That was the moment for me.

~C~

[forgotten_not]

I know that nagging.. that persistent thought that something isn't right & the guilt that follows for thinking such thoughts because there was no proof (at the time), feeling like your going crazy with paranoia due to past experience & that your SO is an innocent bystander of your suspicions, going back & forth in your head putting yourself though so much misery when all along you were completely justified.

Surprisingly I didn't feel angry, I felt wronged.. cheated out of a happiness I never thought I could attain & don't know if I ever will again. A tightness formed in my chest & it felt like my heart collapsed into itself & left a bitter seed in its place.. a seed that grows a little more each time he breaks a promise.. each time he's weak & gives in to temptation.. each time he chooses P over time spent with his family, over time spent with me.. each time he chooses to be someone other than the man I know I love & married.. each time I have to relive that moment because of a selfish choice he makes...

[Life-lies-trust]

Yes, I forgot the nagging thought that something was wrong. I had asked about this over different times in our lives.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I had a nagging feeling too for a while. Why didn't he want to have sx with me unless I asked him? Why did he seem so bored and restless? Why did it seem like he didn't even like me? But then that nagging feeling went away and I thought everything was good. I believed him when he said I was more important than P. I believed him when he said that when his dad died, he realized what was really important in life and didn't want to lose it. When I found out about the P and chatting, I wasn't looking for anything. I just saw a text on his phone and I was blindsided. I wish I could forget.

[JenMac]

Forgotten Not, That poem sums things up perfectly!

I have to say I was blindsided by this discovery. Looking back I can say that I can see things now that could have been clues. I even told my husband that I wasn't really surprised, but still I felt blindsided.
I thought we were in the best place in our lives. I felt great about us and thought he did too.

Thank you for posting your poem!

Jenn

[fishingbackwards]

I suspected for some time but could not bring myself to actually ask. Then I walked into the living room at 4 am, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, and stood behind him for a few moments before it registered with me what was going on, and it registered with him that I was standing there. He swiveled the chair around and whined like a little boy "I couldn't sleep!". I said, "You disgust me!" and turned to leave the room but turned back and said, in a sickeningly sweet voice, "But if that is what you really want, have at it."

No, I won't ever forget. and now that he has gone back to using that is the image I see when I think of him, when I think of attempting to be intimate with him, just before I get that feeling of needing to "hurl".

But it was even worse when I tried to talk to him about it two days later. I expressed my feelings, used proper "I" messages. He said, "There is nothing I can do about your feelings". I did not want to lose him. I told him to tell me what he wanted, I would do whatever he asked if he would stop the porn. He wanted me to look at his porn. I did and I did hurl. He said he was not into kids because he did not want to go to jail but when I pointed out the young-looking women he pointed out that my first husband was older than me. I think I know what it feels like to want to kill someone with one's bare hands. He never knew my first husband, the man who found good in everyone, the man who loved me and who's passing left such a hole in my life and the lives of so many others.

I need to remember these things as much as it hurts to do so. I was trying to stay by him but he is back to using and insists it is my fault because I don't satisfy his needs.

I know I don't love him anymore because I can't even conjure up the passion to feel hate. I have done what I am capable of doing and it has not been enough. I am still sad as the picture I held in my heart is now fading to nothing.

[forgotten_not]

I know I don't love him anymore because I can't even conjure up the passion to feel hate. I have done what I am capable of doing and it has not been enough. I am still sad as the picture I held in my heart is now fading to nothing.

Sickeningly.. I now know exactly the feeling you speak of.. does it pass?