Monitering Comp program-need peace of mind

[regrets]

Hi everyone

Can anyone suggest a computer program so that I can monitor my husbands comp without his knowledge? Also another that can monitor iphone and looks like iPad will be next.

I think you can all understand when I express that every time he has let me down the cliff I have to jump off to make the next leap of faith to save our marriage just gets higher and higher. After 23 years the cliff is just too high for me to make the commitment to jump without a safety net. This program will be my safety net. I want to know the truth. What I don't know does hurt me.

Thanks

[FoolishMind]

Hi Regrets,

You can find a number of reccomended programs by clicking here

Regards
FM

[regrets]

Thanks FM,

I read through the thread you posted above ...all but 1 seem to mainly refer to software that filters/blocks or is partner accountability that the user would be aware is on his comp. SpectorSoft Pro seems like a good choice...Is there anyone who has this or used it and can confirm that I can install this on my PA's comp and he will have no idea its there? and is there a similar software for the iPhone? And does it still work even when he uses private browsing?

I'm having alot of difficulty deciding whether to give this another go or not. I've been in limbo for a couple of months now. We get along fine but there's no intimacy or trust. I feel my self start to cry even time he starts to try and tell me he's sorry or how much he misses me and tries to hug me. I'm an emotional wreck. I really believe that having this software installed without his knowledge is the only way I can find some peace of mind to know if he is finally telling the truth. He knows what he risks & is free to make his own life choices ..I just want the reassurance & my eyes open so I can make my own.

So any help on the software choice is really appreciated

[FoolishMind]

Hi Regrets,

and sorry the software isnt what your looking for.

I can imagine that you feeling must be all over the place right now, and deep down you want to beleive him, but your saying your gut feeling has a little doubt. Usually a woman/ a partner / a wife's instinct is right. With that said, You are asking your partner to be honest, I think it would be wrong to try and secretly catch him out, its like your hiring a private detective to find out if there is another woman.

Dont go searching for it. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and if things dont always add up, ask him directly, and let him know that you are struggling to beleive him, and can he suggest a way that can ease your mind, and see if he agrees to having accountability software etc.

There is software out there which will do what you want it to do, but TTF's priniciples are built on honesty, and therefore no member should really advise you to do something without your partner knowing.

I appologise that this is not what you want to hear, but you have been strong for so long, trust your instincts and frankly I think if you look into his eyes and ask him directly, you will be 90% sure of where you stand.

FM

[regrets]

Hi FM

I can respect you're view of having a more holistic approach and if you are able to look in your PA's eyes and know the truth then you're very lucky.

I think perhaps you have however misunderstood what it is I want to do...I don't want to "catch him out" as you put it. In fact I'm hoping very much not to catch him out at all.

It would seem that very SO here has their own way of dealing with their partners PA problem...some rely on their faith and religion, others become obsessed with looking for evidence and monitoring every move and forcing their PA to be accountable (which usually just leads to the PA finding other means) while yet other SO's feel the need to come to forums like this until it in itself becomes a type of addiction for themselves... and then of course you have the SO's who are simply looking for answers as to how much they will need to endure before they find the strength to leave.

Before making the judgment that all I want to do is police my PA like a private detective or simply catch him out, I put to you again that every SO has their own situation which is unique to them and they are the only one who can decide how best to deal with it. I have been dealing with this for over 23 years now I have tried every other way but to no avail....In fact I stopped looking for anything and did rely on him to be honest..even did the look him in the eye bit ..

The last couple of times I have "caught him" it has simply been by accident when I have turned up at our business at the right or shall we say the wrong time...The last time I walked in... before I could even say anything.. he collapsed on the ground unconscious, shaking uncontrollably..... I thought he was having a fit or a heart attack..I thought he was going to die and even when he came to he continued to shake uncontrollably for another good 20 minutes...I know now it was obviously a massive anxiety or panic attack...but that doesn't make it any easier

I will also point out to you that for many years now I have featured highly in his PA as what he was doing among many other things involved photos of me which he was posting on the net. These were photos which I foolishly let him take over 13 years ago and have been begging him to destroy ever since ...he has even sworn on his brother's grave each time they are gone..looked him in the eye and everything ..and yet there they were each time....This affects me directly ..he has been so careless with his computer that my adult son has even seen some of my photos and some of the other things my PA is into and I've had to explain about his fathers PA do you have any idea how sad that is? I found out that a couple of the workers in our office are aware of them and think that's what "we're "into..... I'm too embarrassed to go there anymore

I would rather use this software and know the truth than accidentally walk in at the "wrong" time and see my husband collapse on the floor again. At least that way I can talk to him and resolve our marriage in an amicable way than have some dramatic blow up where he ends up in hospital or worse dying of a heart attack.... Also I don't think I'm wrong to use this software to know whether he still has my photos.

After so many years I don't know if that "gut feeling" is really a gut feeling or just my fear of being lied to yet again....If he has finally seen the light and is finally telling me the truth then I don't want him to tell him I doubt him and shake what small bit of confidence he is building towards finally beating this PA. I think it is more damaging to the confidence of the PA to tell him you don't trust him than have this program and silently know what he is doing. I think using this software and hopefully seeing that he is not doing anything wrong will allow me to bypass the distrust that is far more damaging. That reassurance will allow me to act more intimately towards him and help our relationship far more than hinder it.

Why I stay is because in between all this I see the good man I married the one who truly loves me but has an ugly addiction. However I realize it's taken a heavy toll on me and I can't be the support team and the victim all at the same time anymore.. So I apologize if you think I'm wrong but I will definitely be getting this software this week and feel very justified in doing so...

It may not have been your intention but as you may gather i take offense to your making judgment on my choice to use this software as I believed one of TTF principles was not to judge others. However I can respect that you believe it is not in line with the honesty principles of TTF & I wish you all well in what ever method any of you wish to employ to resolve our partners PA issues and do so without any judgment.

Regrets

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

regrets-

There are types of software you can install. You can google it. Some of them are keystroke loggers. I don't know anything specifically now, but I did google it several years ago and found one. I was in the midst of installing it when my husband interupted and against my better judgement I didn't complete the install. I will always regret it because I spent the next three years with him looking into my eyes and lying to me about P. I know people don't like their privacy being invaded, but people don't like their trust being used against them either.

If you think YOUR pictures are being passed around like candy, you should definately take whatever action you see fit. This is an invasion of your privacy.

I wish you well and I hope you don't find anything. But, if you do, you have been putting up with this for 23 years. When is enough enough for you? Hugs to you.

[wifeofchewy]

Iphone has an app called X3watch accountability report. You can install it on his iphone without him knowing and what it does is replace his safari so when he surfs the web, it sends a report to whoever's email you set up. They are working out the bug for the same exact program for the Ipad. I also have it installed on my home computer. Basically you set it up, choose what email to send the weekly report to and that's it. Now on the home computer, you can see a small green x in the bottom corner. So not sure if you wanna go that route as he may wonder what that is. For the Iphone, you cannot tell the difference. Safari looks exactly the same, only you will get weekly reports of all the questionable websites he attends. The only problem (I say problem loosely) I have found is that it sends me links of things I have searched (anything child related and I have a children's boutique so I do a lot of searches for tutus & such). But to me, that's not a big deal. I do have K9 software on my home computer as well that I can go to and log in and see whatever websites he has visited, anything (pictures, videos, etc.) installed on my comptuer, chats, etc. Sometimes weird things pop up on the list, but you just have to learn to check them out and take it with a grain of salt. Something may pop up under "pornography" category and get your heart beating then you find it's a stupid tiny picture of a "send" button or something weird like that. I don't understand why some things pop up in weird places. LOL So it helps ease my mind, but confuses me sometimes. It's free though. My H knows I have these things on my computer, but you have to do what you have to do. I did install things on my computer before I told him about it. I hope you find what you are seeking and looking for. Hugs to you. I can't imagine 23 years of it. My life has been hell it seems like for only 3 years. You are a strong woman and I can tell you love your husband dearly!