Recapturing trust

[livada]

Dear SOs.

I've been member of this forum for more than one and a half year. It is the place that helped me take off in my fight against P, to break the vicious cycle that kept going for roughly 8 years previously.

For those interested in more detail my journal is one the link below:

Livada's march to cageless world...

For now, I have few questions for all of you, with full consideration how versatile your experiences with PAs might have been.

1. What is the best way to reassure your SO, to give her peace of mind she wants so badly, to let her see the man she fell in love with. Is this even possible?

2. What is the best way to help your SO dealing with depression, stress, insecurity and feelings of worthlessness?

3. How to regain her trust after a myriad of broken promises (relating to issues other than P), and prove to her that you are serious about loving her, not only in words, but deeds too.

Thank you.

Livada.

[Crisodian]

For me, and my experience, actions speak louder than words. There is NO magic to make the hurt, anger, emotional turmoil and lack of trust just go away. It takes time, and effort of both the PA and the SO, working together.

1. Yes it is possible. It will take a lot of work and commitment on the part of the PA to "show" your SO that you are serious about recovery. I'm not sure there is another way aside from time, commitment, and action.

As I mentioned above, just telling an SO how sorry you are means nothing...because, sadly (and bluntly!) we've heard it before and our PAs threw the meaning of those words under the bus when the promises and trust were broken.

The other thing, the MAIN thing, that worked for me and my PA, was 100% transparency, 100% of the time, from him. I needed ...more it was mandatory... that my PA show me everything and tell me everything. Show me, through his actions, he was being honest and sincere about what he was doing for his recovery.

Open, honest communication is also key. It'll hurt. Both of you. But talking it out, making time to understand and comprehend what your SO is really feeling and why, will help you understand how to help her.

2. Encourage your SO to seek a counselor for herself. If she is adverse to that, and if you have a counselor/trusted advisor for yourself, discuss the challenges with that person and they should be able to give you suggestions on how to help your SO.

For me, I never sought a professional for myself. However, my H, here on TTF as Artguy34, spoke openly and directly with his counselor about my reactions and how to handle them. His counselor gave him great guidance on how to help me, as his SO, find a path to my own healing. Books, reading, educating myself, and finding support here also helped tremendously for my own recovery. It helps to know, as an SO, you are not alone, nor are your feelings wrong, or weird, or out of place. Being able to connect with others who have been down the road is invaluable.


3. See answer 1 above :)

100% transparency. 100% of the time. No excuses.
Actions speak much louder than words ever will.
Time. Time. Time.

Now, please keep in mind, this is what helped me make progress. I still struggle some days and we are approaching 232 days in recovery. I still have days where the demons come back to haunt me and I emotionally vomit all over my H. Sad, but true.

There's no quick fix for the SO in the PA relationship. Trust is very hard to rebuild.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[Charly22]

My first thought after reading your questions is please don't expect that when you promise you are clean, and not doing anything, and won't ever do it again, to expect that should be the end of it.

Please don't allow yourself to get irritated when she is questioning, even though there is nothing to question. Please don't get defensive and think she should be ok, because you know you havent done anything. She doesn't know that. You must help reassure her, time and time again.

The meat of this issue is.....if you stay clean, that shouldn't be too difficult of a task. If you are become irritated by having to keep reassuring her, then where does that leave you? Hmmmmm........

Time and Time again....over and over........reassure her with your words, reassure her with your hugs, reassure with your understanding, listen and hear her out, sometimes silence is best, and just the loving gestures are what is needed.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

As Crisodian and Charly said, you have to be honest. All the time. And you can never go back to P. Ever. Because she can't believe you when you still lie.

You have to be a rock. She is the storm at this point, hopefully just sometimes though. You caused the storm, so you have to stand fast, even when its tough and it hurts. Keep telling her you have changed, you are sorry, you will continue to prove yourself to be a better man for her and yourself. Never waver from reassuring her.

If you ever get annoyed and respond with anything that sounds like this:

Well, but you....
Its in the past, why do you bring it up?
If you would only... then I would...
Its not my fault....

Any of the above or fill in your own... its all rationalizatons, justifications, and a way to minimize the hurtfulness of your actions by putting some of it on her.

It is possible to forgive. I have good days and bad days and its been almost 180 days for us. But on my bad days, my husband still takes responsibility, and he is the rock. He is unwavering and takes my hurt and anger, and feeds hope back to me.

If you and your wife are religious, that might help too. I am a Christian and my husband is now. When I feel like I can't believe in my husband, I know I still believe in Jesus and He knows both of our hearts and preaches forgiveness for all. That helps me too.

If you are committed and honest and your wife can see actions and not just words, it might help her. Most important of all... don't go back to lies.

I wish you well on your journey.