Staying with a PA

[LostOne]

I'm wondering if there are any SO's here who stay with their PA spouse even though they understand that things are likely not going to change much, if at all.

I feel I may be facing this situation and I guess I'm wondering if I'm alone in this. I love my husband with all my heart, he is a good, loving, wonderful person. He is also a PA. While he has given up the P (as far as I can tell) he refuses to address the underlying issues and so much of the behavior stays the same.

I am coming to the conclusion that this may be as good as it gets. If he won't take it further there's nothing I can do, and I can't continue to beat my head against the wall and make myself miserable.

So to any SO's living in my situation: How do you do it? How do you live with and love the person, and accept things that you can't change and go on?

[Charly22]

I hate to admit, I believe I am in the same place as you. How do I do it? I haven't done anything...except for this....I have learned to MANAGE myself, and only myself. I try to encourage, discuss, filters on the computer, stand strong, this has only improved MY condition.

He always "tries", and is at that point right now. Claims it has been 4 weeks since last relapst....but I still "sense" something.....I can tell he is not content. Is this something one should expect from someone who is detoxing so to speak? I find myself bothered badly by it. So, it is like, even though the p is not present and being used....still dealing with the pyscological issues that surface cause the band aid (p) is gone.

And I cannot force recovery.

I am still dealing with this in a less angry intense way, but still hurtful, scared, wishing for that connection. We have it, ALOT, we are so super close, that I can sense the "shift".

Guess I haven't accepted anything...well...I have come to realize that it's not so easy for him......and I haven't really moved on....

still waiting.....

[JenMac]

Dear Lost One,
Not sure if you are a spiritual person but in my 12 step group I have learned to use various tools which can help in this sitation as well. The Serenity Prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
The steps as well teach us that we are only in control of ourselves, that we cannot control another.
We have different slogans that can apply to this situation very well. Let it begin with me, Let go and let God, One day at a time, Live and let live, Gratitude changes attitude.
I need to remember to use my own tools to help myself deal with this. I have been buried alive for the last six weeks since I discovered the problem. It's time for me to put the focus on myself and move ahead in my life. I have much to be thankful for. I need to focus on that instead of all the negativity.
I find it hard to move on.
Wishing you well, take care!

[hopefulwife]

I am in the same place.

My husband has stopped viewing P but not stopped MB. He gave a list of reasons why and while I dont agree with any of them I have made a delicate peace with it. He isnt looking at other people. He (up intill recently) has been in an all around better mood. He wont bring it up and thinks there are no deep seated reasons for his actions. He has told himself and me that its just something he did. I feel that he is setting himself up for failure but, that having been said, I have no control over him. All I can do is watch, try to trust and always be a hopefulwife.