Why does P equate to infidelity, or does it?

[Alika]

I highly doubt that I am the only one having discussed this with my P-using H.

My personal take on it is quite simple:

When you engage in sexual activity with other women, even if those other women are “only” images or moving images, if you fantasized while engaging in sexual activity, that act is infidelity because it is having sex with someone else than your spouse, regardless of whether it is in person or in your fantasy.

Or in even shorter terms:

being naked or semi naked, and engaging in sexual activity involving another woman, is infidelity.

I really don’t care how many explanations there are to dispute this, especially not the “it has nothing to do with you/us” cause frankly, isn’t that the standard reply that anyone fooling around gives their spouse?!

My H says he would never fool around, my stand is that he already has, and the efforts to try to save the marriage therefore have to match the act and broken trust of infidelity. Fact is numerous women have been involved in our marriage, and frankly it’s pretty damn crowded here!

- Alika

[Charly22]

Here is my take on this: it's all about lust. Lust is a powerful thing. We all have it in us. When you look, act upon, whatever, did it not come from that same place within your own self? Whether it was just looking, flirting, or actually having physical activity, did it not stimulate that same place within you?

I guess what I'm trying to say is....looking pleases that same part in you that gets pleased when you "go all the way" with someone. It's the same "place" that gets rewarded.

It's like a light that can be shining from within you.

That light should only be shone upon the one you are commited to.

[FoolishMind]

It does.

Why..because whether you cheat in physical form or cheat in the mind, its still cheating.

I argued my point millions of my time to my wife that I never cheated, and i always made the statement "at least im not cheating" which was always responded to by "But you are cheating".

Only since I educated myself from this site, did I really begin to realise I had cheated and had been unfaithful, even if not in the usually understood definitions of cheating.

Initially its quite hard for a PA to accept this, and this I suppose goes back to the differing make up of a male and female, Males being very much physically and image focused, and women being much more of the mind.

But Alika you are right in if you are married to a PA, you are not his only woman. Sad but true.

But do not believe the phrase "once a cheater always a cheater" as this is quite simply not true, and there are many members here that are evidence.

FM

[Crisodian]

I second what FM said. P use is cheating. My H used the same line with me that FM shared. He claimed it wasn't cheating. Oh. But it was. He, too, now understands it from that point of view.

I also have to agree with FM. Once a cheater does not mean always a cheater. They can find a path to recovery. My H did. And so have many others.

Peace,
~C~

[Life-lies-trust]

I have also had the same conversation with DG. He was floored when I first told him that is was still a form of cheating because he wanted to be with all those other women and at times used those images when he was with me.

We can calmly discuss this now and I still feel hurt by it. Time is needed to heal.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

It does equate to cheating. When my husband leaves my bed to go interact with another woman and then has penis involvement in any way, that is cheating.

My husband took it beyond "just P" and chatted sxually with strangers throughout our marriage. That is cheating. He took what should only be ours and gave it away. Not only that, he took what I wanted, his attention, assertiveness, interest, and gave it away. That is cheating.

Flip the tables. Men... find out your woman is e-mailing and flirting with, thinking about, some other guy. Feel that knife in your gut? You bet you would think that's cheating even if sx never came up.

[OpenEyes]

Foolish Mind wrote:

"Only since I educated myself from this site, did I really begin to realise I had cheated and had been unfaithful, even if not in the usually understood definitions of cheating.

Initially its quite hard for a PA to accept this, and this I suppose goes back to the differing make up of a male and female, Males being very much physically and image focused, and women being much more of the mind.

But Alika you are right in if you are married to a PA, you are not his only woman. Sad but true."

I very much appreciate this post, and this answer. I am still learning, coming to terms of all the ramifications of what I have done, the damage, the hurt, and the true measure of betrayal. I did not want to think of my PA as cheating. I still don't, to be honest. But I AM seeing it, I am starting to FEEL it. It feels horrible in all new ways. I appreciate this thread. I am feeling more like a... I am not sure what I feel like, other than it is very bad, and that it has been very hurtful, and that I have betrayed my wife.

As the quitting of PA goes on, and as I approach beginning recovery (I feel more and more like I am further back in this long struggle than I thought), I feel like I am discovering more and more the consequences of my actions and starting to, just starting to see my SO's points of view. And that is very hard to face.

Yes, I cheated on her. That was harder to type, than my first post, admitting I am a PA.

I pray to God, at some point, we will reach a point of happiness again. She has stated that she has already forgiven me, but the hurt will be there for a long time, and her healing will take a long time. We both have some journeys ahead in our recovery from my PA.

Yes, PA is cheating and I cheated on Alika.

Thank you for this Thread, Alika.

OpenEyes

Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis Carrel

[AloneInACrowd]

When my husband and I started dating, we had this conversation.. We came to the conclusion that anything intimate done w/ someone else was cheating, whether it were physical or emotional.

Four years later, he found me exchanging flirty texts with another man and he felt as though I was cheating on him. We worked it out.

Now, for the fifth time, I've caught him using p and he admits that he views it and m's to it both at home and at work. But suddenly, it's not cheating.

What I did was cheating because I was emotionally involved with another person. But what he did wasn't because they weren't *real* people.. "At least I didn't cheat on you.. I'd never do that to you." .. Just like you'd never sneak away to the bathroom at work with your phone I just bought you, watch porn of 18y/o girls and m?

~X(

He imagined intimate acts with these women. He touched himself in an intimate way. He avoided me to do these things.

He cheated.

Now I just wish he felt that way.

[fishingbackwards]

My stbx continues to insist that he has ALWAYS BEEN FAITHFUL, yes, always yelling this bit of bs in my face or over the phone line.

He was blowing his wad with another woman. Computer screen? So what! This type of intimacy needs to remain inside a marriage unless there has been some other agreement made. He did this in secret until I caught him. Why did he hide it if there was nothing "wrong" with his behavior?

So he thinks differently but I don't care what he thinks. I don't care what anybody else thinks. I don't care if it is not "politically correct" to feel so repulsed by p. I don't care about his life story of a libido in hyper drive and his need to be satisfed in order to avoid another arrest for indecent exposure. I will not be intimate with a a man who will interchange me with another woman. He is free to make his own choice.

[Life-lies-trust]

[QUOTE=fishingbackwards;35743 I don't care about his life story of a libido in hyper drive and his need to be satisfed in order to avoid another arrest for indecent exposure.[/QUOTE]

Your statement here is part of what is explained as SA. Yes it is cheating because he has to use other women. It is not your issue but that he refused to face his issues as to what the research says about SA.